Wellness Isn’t a Competition and Why Judgement and Comparison Hold Us Back

Written by Charlotte Phelps, Founder

Charlotte Phelps, Founder of The Alchemy of Being, transformed her life from a terminal prognosis into a mission to empower others. She offers tools and insights, born from her own journey, for personal growth and holistic health, helping individuals curate their unique 'Toolbelt for Life'.

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Let’s be honest: these days, the wellness world is sadly becoming more filled with judgement and comparison. We see it every day. People criticising how others meditate, breathe, eat, or heal. And we do it to ourselves, too, wondering why someone else’s “miracle fix” just leaves us flat. The truth? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. We’re all unique, and your path to wellbeing is as individual as you are.

In this article, I want to call time on the judgement, the comparison, and the pressure to fit in. It’s time to do wellness your way. It’s time to celebrate what makes you, you.

What makes us unique

Let's get straight to it: anyone who claims, "I did this, and it worked for me, so it'll work for you too," is missing the point. That kind of advice ignores the most basic truth in wellbeing: every single one of us is unique.

It's not just about personality or preferences. It's science. Your body, your mind, your life experiences, they're yours alone. Five key factors make you different from anyone else on the planet:

1. Genetic expression (Epigenetics)

Your genes aren't just inherited. They're shaped by your environment, your choices, and even your thoughts. This means even identical twins can end up with different health outcomes.

Your DNA isn't a fixed blueprint but a dynamic system that responds to your lifestyle. The food you eat, how much you sleep, and your stress levels all influence which genes are switched on or off. This creates a unique biological signature that's constantly evolving.

If you want to dive deeper, Dr Bruce Lipton explains this beautifully in his work on epigenetics. 

2. Neuroplasticity

Your brain is always rewiring itself, based on your unique experiences. No one else's brain works quite like yours. Every thought, emotion, and experience creates new neural pathways or strengthens existing ones.

This means your emotional responses, your ability to handle stress, and even your capacity for happiness are shaped by your past and can change with new experiences. Your brain's structure today is different from what it was a year ago and different from anyone else's.

Dr Tara Swart is a leading expert on neuroplasticity and the science of how our brains adapt. 

3. Gut microbiome

The trillions of microbes in your gut are as unique as your fingerprint. What you eat, where you live, and who you spend time with all shape your microbiome, influencing everything from mood to immunity. These microorganisms play a crucial role in digestion, hormone production, and even your mental health.

Someone might thrive on a diet that leaves you feeling dreadful, simply because their gut bacteria process foods differently. Your microbiome is also constantly changing, responding to your environment and choices.

Dr Tim Spector has done fantastic research on the gut microbiome and how it shapes our health. 

4. Stress response

We all react to stress differently. Some fight, some freeze, some run, some try to please. These patterns are shaped by your past and how your nervous system has adapted.

Your body's stress response, how quickly you react, how intensely, and how long it takes to recover, is unique to you. It's influenced by past experiences, especially early ones, and affects everything from your heart rate to your digestion. What feels manageable to one person might be overwhelming to another, and what helps one person calm down might agitate someone else.

We’ve written more about this on our blog: How Stress Shapes Us.

5. Subconscious beliefs

Most of your beliefs about yourself and the world were set before you turned seven. These hidden scripts shape how you see life and how you react, often without you even realising.

Your subconscious mind is like an operating system running in the background. It influences your decisions, your emotional responses, and even your physical health. Two people can experience the same event very differently based solely on their beliefs, leading to completely different outcomes.

Dr Bruce Lipton also explores how subconscious beliefs shape our reality.

When you add all this up, it's clear: there's no one-size-fits-all answer in health and wellbeing. What works for someone else is a mix of their biology, their story, and a bit of luck. It’s not a recipe for everyone.

If you want to dig deeper into the science and stories behind our individuality, I break this down in my Why ‘Do What I Do’ Solutions Don’t Do It For You vlog.

Why 'do what I did' fails

Let me share something personal. A few years back, a friend raved about how the keto diet transformed their life. They looked fantastic, had boundless energy, and were eating foods I could only dream of as a cheese fanatic. So naturally, I had to give it a try.

Within a week, I felt dreadful. I had the worst headache of my life and could barely function. My friend hadn't experienced anything like this. After some research (which I hadn’t done before), I discovered that eating keto requires four times the normal water intake to metabolise properly. As someone who has EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), I'm already chronically dehydrated. This diet was never going to work for me, like it did for my friend. In fact, it did the opposite; it made me significantly worse.

This isn't about keto. It's about any "miracle solution" that promises universal results in health or well-being.

• Different bodies, different responses: What energises one person might exhaust another. What calms one mind might agitate another. Our unique biology means we process everything, from food to stress to medication, differently. This is why personalised wellbeing is so important.

• Context matters: Your life circumstances, responsibilities, and resources all affect how well any approach will work for you. Someone with flexible work hours might easily adopt a time-intensive wellness practice that's impossible for others.

• Timing is everything: Sometimes it's not the approach itself but when you try it. What doesn't work today might be exactly what you need next month or year, or vice versa.

• The placebo effect is real: When someone believes strongly in an approach, their belief alone can create positive results. But that doesn't mean the same approach will work for someone with different expectations or experiences.

The "do what I did" mentality creates a dangerous cycle. When the promised solution doesn't work, we often blame ourselves rather than questioning the advice. We think, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I make this work?" This leads to frustration, self-doubt, and a sense of failure.

The truth is, it's not you! It's the approach. Universal solutions fail because they ignore the complex, beautiful uniqueness that we each have and make us who we are. This is exactly why your wellness journey must be personalised and why curating your own toolbelt for life matters.

The real harm of judgement and comparison

It’s human nature to compare and judge. For generations, it’s helped us make sense of the world and find our place in it. But lately, these old habits are spilling over into the wellness space, both in how we see ourselves and how we look at others. Instead of helping, this tendency is making well-being harder for everyone.

The wellness hierarchy

Take the wellness hierarchy. Certain practices like cold water plunges, “clean” eating, or running marathons are currently put on a pedestal. You’ll see people praised for their discipline or grit, while others feel quietly left out for choosing gentle yoga or simply going for a walk.

But it doesn’t stop there. Now, there’s even a hierarchy within the modalities themselves. The type of breathwork you choose, the style of yoga you practise, or the form of meditation you follow all seem to come with their own rankings. Suddenly, “just” doing a basic breath or a gentle yin class isn’t seen as enough.

Not everyone’s body or mind can handle extreme cold, strict diets, or intense breathwork sessions. For some, these “superior” practices can actually do harm or just don’t fit their needs. The reality is there’s no single right way. Wellbeing isn’t about picking the most impressive option. It’s about finding what genuinely supports you on your unique wellness journey.

The perfectionism trap

Then there’s the perfectionism trap. The message is subtle but clear: if you’re not all-in, you’re not doing it right. Maybe you feel pressure to track every step and hit your daily target on a fitness watch. Or you think you have to write a full page in your journal every single morning, never missing a day.

I’ve seen people give up on cold therapy because they missed a session, or stop going to group sound baths because they couldn’t commit to every week. Life isn’t perfect. We all need flexibility and balance, not rigid rules. Chasing perfection often means letting go of practices that actually help, just because we can’t keep up with unrealistic standards.

Explore this topic more in my “Overcoming the ‘all or nothing’ mentality for lasting change” Alchemy of Being blog .

The moral overlay

Judgement also creeps in through a moral overlay. You’ll hear things like, “Proper healers never take Western medicine,” or “Truly spiritual people don’t ever feel low.” Suddenly, wellness choices become tied to moral worth, as if your value depends on always taking the most ‘natural’ route or never struggling.

I’ve met people who feel real shame for needing a prescription. I’ve felt this myself. Last summer, after a respiratory issue, I needed an inhaler and a short course of steroids. For a moment, I felt like a hypocrite for advocating natural medicine while reaching for something from the pharmacy. But my lungs needed support, and that was the right choice for my health at that time.

The truth is that your value isn’t measured by how ‘pure’ your approach looks from the outside. Sometimes, what’s right for you is simply what helps you heal, even if it doesn’t fit someone else’s idea of virtue.

The comparison culture

The comparison culture is everywhere, both online and in real life. Social media is packed with flawless before-and-after photos, dramatic testimonials, and stories of instant transformation. But what you don’t see are all the failed attempts, the years of trying, or the setbacks along the way. Most people only share their highlight reel, not the messy middle or the days when nothing works.

It’s not just online. In real life, we compare ourselves to friends, colleagues, and even people at the gym or in a class. Someone might talk about their new running routine or latest wellness retreat, and it’s easy to feel like you’re not doing enough or that you’re somehow behind. But you rarely hear about how long they struggled before finding what worked, or how many things they tried and dropped along the way.

The truth is that every journey is full of detours, failed experiments, and fresh starts. Comparing your progress to someone else’s filtered story, whether that’s on a screen or over coffee, only sets you up for disappointment. You never know the full story behind someone else’s results, and you don’t need to. Your path is yours, and that’s what matters.

All this judgement and comparison come at a cost:

• Increased anxiety: Worrying about what others think or trying to live up to impossible standards keeps your body and mind in a constant state of stress. This anxiety can show up as overthinking, trouble sleeping, or even physical symptoms like headaches and tension. Instead of feeling supported by your wellness journey, you end up feeling on edge and never quite good enough.

• Shame spirals: When you feel you don’t measure up, it’s easy to slip into shame. This isn’t just a passing feeling; it can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-criticism. You might start to believe you’re failing, which can push you towards unhealthy coping habits, like withdrawing, giving up on things that matter, or even self-sabotaging your progress.

• Abandoning what works: Sometimes, people give up practices that genuinely help them simply because they don’t fit the “ideal” or don’t look impressive enough to others. You might stop going to a class you love, or drop a routine that makes you feel better, just because it doesn’t seem “advanced” or “trendy.” In the end, you lose out on real benefits by chasing someone else’s version of success.

• Nervous system dysregulation: All this pressure keeps your nervous system on high alert, making real healing even harder. When you’re constantly judging yourself or feeling judged, your body stays stuck in a stress response. This means your system doesn’t get the chance to rest, recover, and truly heal. Mindset shifts are just as important as any physical practice. Without them, the body can’t fully reset.

This quote sums it up perfectly:

“If you keep putting the same amount of pressure on yourself to heal as you did in your unhealed (dysregulated) state, then your nervous system will remain dysregulated!”

It’s a powerful reminder: real healing asks for self-compassion and a gentler approach, not more pressure.

What’s especially sad is that judgement often comes from insecurity. People who push their way as the only way are usually looking for reassurance that their path is right. They need others to follow to feel secure in their own choices.

If we could let go of all this judgement and comparison, we’d create a wellness world where we support, not judge, each other’s choices. A world where we celebrate the diversity of paths to wellbeing, knowing that what works for one person might not work for another. That’s exactly how it should be.

Wellness isn’t something you achieve or tick off a list. It’s not a destination you reach and then stop. It’s how you travel. It’s the journey itself, the route you take, the pace you set, and the mode of travel that feels right for you. Every twist and turn, every pause and detour, is part of your unique experience. And that’s what makes your path so valuable.

Curate, don't compare, the toolbelt for life

Think of it like this: on any journey, things go wrong. Your car might break down, or you might hit a bump in the road. When that happens, you don’t want to be the mechanic with just one spanner in their hand. You want a whole toolkit, ready to pick the right tool for whatever challenge comes up.

Wellbeing works the same way. Your ‘Toolbelt For Life’ is about having a range of skills, habits, and resources to draw on, so you’re ready for whatever your wellness journey brings.

The right tools for you will look different from someone else’s, and that’s not just fine, as we know it’s exactly as it should be.

Here's how to start building your own toolbelt:

• Embrace the "suck it and see" approach: Try things with an open mind, without pinning your hopes on a single outcome. If something doesn’t work, that’s not failure - it’s valuable feedback. Every attempt, whether it lands or not, helps you understand yourself better. The real win is in the learning, not just the result. Over time, you’ll build a toolkit based on genuine experience, not just theory or someone else’s advice.

• Notice without judgement: Pay close attention to how your body, mind, and spirit respond to different practices. Do you feel lighter, more energised, or calmer? Or do you feel drained, tense, or flat? There’s no “wrong” response here - just honest information. By observing without criticising yourself, you give yourself space to discover what truly fits you, rather than what you think “should” work.

• Start small and build: You don’t need to change everything overnight. Pick one new tool or habit and give it time to settle in. Once it feels natural, see what else might fit alongside it. Building your toolbelt this way means you’re less likely to feel overwhelmed or give up. Small, steady changes add up to powerful transformation over time.

• Revisit regularly: What worked for you last year, or even last month, might not be right for you now. Life changes, and so do you. Check in with yourself and your toolbelt regularly. If something was working but isn’t now, swap it out and bring in new practices as your needs and desires shift. This isn’t an inconsistency; it’s a sign that you’re paying attention and responding to your own growth.

• Hold it all lightly: No tool is sacred or permanent. If something stops feeling right, let it go without guilt. Your well-being isn’t about loyalty to a method or trend; it’s about what actually supports you right now. Trust yourself to pick up new tools as you need them and know that your toolbelt will always be uniquely yours.

My own toolbelt includes daily gratitude practice (11 years and counting), an acupressure mat, sound-based meditation, Epsom salt baths, daily walks in nature, laughter, occasional bodywork treatments, specific supplements, and memory games to keep my brain sharp.

But I've also tried things that definitely won't be going in my toolbelt. Acupuncture and cupping, for example, weren't right for me despite their benefits for others. They rely on creating inflammation for the body to react to - not helpful when you're already hyper-inflamed!

Your toolbelt will look different from mine, and that's exactly how it should be. For a deeper dive into this concept, check out my Brainz article on the Toolbelt Principle.

Celebrate your uniqueness

We've covered a lot of ground. We've seen how our uniqueness is rooted in our biology, our experiences, and our beliefs. We've explored why one-size-fits-all solutions so often fail, and why judgement and comparison hold us back. And we've looked at how curating your own toolbelt for life offers a more effective, empowering approach.

So, where do we go from here?

First, embrace your uniqueness as your superpower. The very things that make universal solutions fail for you are also what make you wonderfully, irreplaceably you. Your unique combination of traits, experiences, and responses is not a flaw to be fixed; it's a gift to be honoured.

Second, get honest with yourself. Instead of comparing, check in with your own body and mind. Ask yourself: How do I actually feel? Is this practice or habit making a real difference for me?

For example, one thing I do every quarter is stop all my supplements for a week. I want to know how I feel without them am I more tired, less focused, or do I feel exactly the same? Then, I add them back in one by one and pay close attention to any changes. I don’t want to take things that aren’t benefitting me. 

This kind of honest self-check is key. Your body and mind are always giving you feedback - trust that information.

Third, use your own feedback to assess your progress, not someone else’s. Your journey is yours alone. Someone else’s path might look easier, faster, or more impressive, but you’re not seeing their whole story. Let your own experience and results guide your choices, rather than falling into the trap of comparison. After all, their path wouldn’t work for you anyway, because you’re not them.

Fourth, get curious. Approach wellbeing with a spirit of experimentation and discovery. Try things, notice what happens, learn, and adapt. There’s no failing, only gathering information about what works for you right now.

If you’re not sure where to start, explore The Alchemy of Being’s Wellness Wiki for inspiration, or book a one-to-one with me or any of our Alchemists for tailored guidance.

Finally, be kind to yourself and to others. We're all figuring this out as we go. When you see someone taking a different approach, remember that they're responding to their own unique needs, just as you are to yours.

The wellness world doesn't need more judgement or comparison. It needs more curiosity, more flexibility, and more respect for our beautiful diversity. It needs more people willing to say, "This works for me, but your mileage may vary," and "I'd love to hear what works for you."

Don’t find yourself, curate yourself. Your toolbelt for life is waiting to be built, one tool at a time.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!

Read more from Charlotte Phelps

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Charlotte Phelps, Founder

Charlotte Phelps's life took a pivotal turn at 33 when she was given just six weeks to live due to a likely bowel perforation. This diagnosis came after a decade of being told she was fine by the medical world, making it both validating and shocking. Forced to explore unconventional options to survive, Charlotte not only regained her health but underwent a transformative journey of soul, mind, and body. She also developed a profound need to understand how she had lived, which sparked a decade-long exploration of holistic practices and alternative approaches. This journey ignited a deep passion to share what she’d discovered with others, leading to the creation of The Alchemy of Being.