Understanding Happiness in Layers and What It Really Means Beyond Achievement
- Mar 11
- 8 min read
Written by Lidija Poth, Transformational Coach
Lidija Poth is an AC-accredited transformational coach and founder of MyLifeCoachingHub, guiding women and leaders toward authentic living and relationship healing. With expertise in architecture, city planning, and TUDelft teaching, she facilitates transformative retreats and coaching for lasting freedom and joy.
Imagine a quiet evening in a softly lit room, wine glasses catching the light, a small circle of thoughtful people gathered around a table. A journalist who lives for truth in stories, a poet who speaks in images, a spoken-word artist who turns feeling into rhythm, a design thinker who sees systems in chaos, all of us drawn together by a shared love of dialogue, human connection, and the courage to ask questions that matter. The conversation flowed easily at first, stories of creation, struggle, insight, beauty. Laughter came in waves, and silence felt safe.
Then someone turned to me and asked, gently but directly, “Are you truly happy?” The room stilled. The question landed like a stone in calm water. I felt it ripple through me, not as judgment, but as an invitation. I couldn’t answer right away. Not because the answer was no, I have known deep happiness, but because happiness suddenly revealed itself to be far more complex, far more layered, than a simple yes or no could capture. The evening stretched on, full of stories and shared silences, but that question stayed with me long after the glasses were cleared and the lights dimmed.
This article is born from that silence. It explores the layers of happiness, what science reveals about how they arise, what each layer truly requires, and how we can invite them more intentionally into our lives, especially when the outside world already looks “successful.” For many high achievers, leaders, founders, and builders, the paradox is real, we reach the top, yet still feel something essential is missing.
Happiness is not one thing, it arrives in layers
We often speak of happiness as a single state, something we finally “have” once the right job, partner, bank balance, or acclaim is secured. But happiness is not monolithic. It arrives in phases, textures, and sources, each layer triggered by different internal and external signals, activating different neurochemical and nervous-system pathways.
Science shows happiness is a dynamic interplay, dopamine for anticipation and reward, serotonin for calm confidence, oxytocin for bonding and trust, and endorphins for euphoria and pain relief. Yet each layer engages these chemicals in unique combinations and intensities. Understanding these layers helps us move beyond chasing a single “happy” state toward a richer, more sustainable experience of well-being, one that endures even when external wins fade or pressure rises.
1. Momentary joy, the quick sparks of dopamine & endorphins
This is the happiness of micro-moments, spontaneous laughter that erupts unexpectedly, the exquisite taste of a perfectly prepared dish, the rush of wind during a run, the sudden beauty of light on water at dawn, the brief thrill of solving a problem in real time. These sparks arrive unbidden and vanish quickly, yet they are biologically essential, brief reminders that pleasure and safety can coexist.
Scientific grounding: Dopamine fuels anticipation and reward prediction, endorphins act as natural painkillers and create short-lived euphoria.[1] Frequent access to these micro-joys predicts higher long-term subjective well-being more reliably than rare large rewards.[2] Research on savoring shows that deliberately prolonging these moments amplifies their positive effects.[3]
What it asks of us: Protect small pleasures without guilt or justification. High performers often sacrifice them for productivity, yet these sparks are oxygen for deeper layers. They reset the nervous system, prevent burnout, and remind us that joy is accessible now, not only at the finish line.
Reflection: What tiny moment of joy did you allow yourself today, and how did it shift your energy?
2. Relational warmth, oxytocin, co-regulation & safe connection
This layer ignites when we feel truly seen, held, and loved, a child curling into your side after a long day, a partner sitting with you in silence during difficulty, a friend who listens without trying to fix, a colleague who says “I see how hard this is for you” in a high-stakes meeting, a team member who admits fear before a big presentation and is met with empathy instead of judgment, the mentor who shares their own doubt so you don’t feel alone. It is the quiet certainty of “I am safe with you” and “You are safe with me.” These moments are the sparks that light up relational warmth, brief but powerful exchanges where vulnerability meets safety, creating trust and emotional co-regulation.
Scientific grounding: Oxytocin surges during prolonged eye contact, warm touch, genuine listening, shared laughter, and mutual vulnerability. It down-regulates the stress response (lowers cortisol and amygdala activity) and strongly activates the ventral vagal pathway (Porges’ Polyvagal Theory), enabling physiological co-regulation, one person’s calm nervous system helps stabilize another’s.[4] Secure relational bonds are among the strongest predictors of sustained happiness, emotional resilience, mental health, and physical longevity. They are stronger than many traditional health factors.[5] [6] Psychological safety in teams[7] amplifies this, when people feel safe to be real, innovation, collaboration, loyalty, and collective resilience increase dramatically.
Sparks in relationships: These sparks are not rare accidents, they arise whenever vulnerability meets safety. A single honest “I’m struggling” met with “Me too, I’m here” creates an oxytocin surge that buffers stress for hours and deepens trust. A child’s unfiltered hug, a partner’s hand on your back during silence, a colleague who shares doubt before a decision and is met with empathy instead of criticism, a team that celebrates small wins together, these micro-connections co-regulate the nervous system, reduce fight/flight/freeze patterns, and build emotional reserves far more powerfully than status, praise, or achievement ever can. In leadership, these sparks transform hierarchies into human systems, when people feel psychologically safe to be real, teams innovate more, collaborate better, and perform at higher levels sustainably.
What it asks of us: Courage to drop the mask, to be seen in strength and fragility without fear of losing credibility. For leaders, this means modeling vulnerability first, sharing a real doubt, admitting uncertainty, asking for help. It means intentionally creating spaces where others can do the same, turning teams from performance machines into human systems where trust and co-regulation fuel sustainable high performance. Safe, authentic connection is not soft, it is the quiet foundation of lasting joy, resilience, and leadership impact.
Reflection: When was the last time someone truly saw you, and how did that moment change your day?
3. Creative aliveness, flow, mastery & self-expression
This layer awakens when we lose ourselves in something meaningful, coaching someone to a breakthrough, writing from the soul, designing solutions, speaking truth without filter, and building something that didn’t exist before.
Scientific grounding: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s flow state (1990) occurs when challenge and skill are perfectly matched. Dopamine, norepinephrine, anandamide, and serotonin flood the system, producing deep satisfaction and timeless absorption. Creative self-expression is strongly linked to eudaimonic well-being (purposeful happiness) rather than short-term hedonic pleasure[8]. Flow experiences also reduce stress and increase intrinsic motivation.[9]
What it asks of us: Time and permission, to create without immediate outcome or judgment. Many executives have downgraded creativity to “hobby” status, yet it is often the missing bridge between performance and profound fulfillment.
Reflection: When did you last lose track of time in something meaningful, and how did it shift your sense of energy?
4. Existential alignment, eudaimonia, purpose & inner coherence
This is the deepest layer: a quiet knowing that “this life fits who I am.” It is not constant euphoria, but a steady sense of congruence between values, actions, and essence.
Scientific grounding: Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia (flourishing) is supported by modern Self-Determination Theory[10], autonomy, competence, and relatedness are the core nutrients for lasting psychological well-being. People high in eudaimonic orientation show lower depression rates, higher resilience, and greater life satisfaction over time.[11]
What it asks of us: Regular realignment, “Am I still living from my core?” This requires courage to release patterns, habits, and even definitions of success that no longer serve.
Reflection: When do you feel most “yourself,” and what would need to shift to feel that more often?
5. Grateful presence, the quiet backbone of all layers
This layer is the gentle undercurrent, spontaneous thankfulness for what already is, the people who walked beside us, the lessons (even painful ones), the simple fact of being alive.
Scientific grounding: Gratitude increases serotonin and activates prefrontal emotion regulation.[12] Meta-analyses show consistent gratitude practice reduces depression symptoms and increases well-being by 10–25%.[13] It is one of the few interventions with long-lasting effects.
What it asks of us: Noticing, without forcing positivity. Gratitude is not denial of pain, it is the ability to hold both at once.
Reflection: What are you quietly grateful for today, even if the day felt hard?
Inner wealth: Where the layers integrate
Inner wealth is not a separate layer, it is the intentional weaving together of all five. It is the practice of creating a life where momentary joy, relational warmth, creative aliveness, existential alignment, and grateful presence can coexist sustainably, even amid high demands and external pressures.
In my Inner Wealth Program, I guide high achievers exactly here, rebuilding nervous-system safety, intentionally cultivating relational sparks through vulnerability and co-regulation, reclaiming creative flow, aligning external success with inner truth, and anchoring in daily gratitude. Because the next milestone does not measure real richness, it is measured by how free, connected, alive, and whole you feel in the life you already have.
And you?
Which layer feels strongest for you right now? Which one is quietly waiting for more space to breathe? What small, brave shift, inside or outside, could let that layer expand today?
Happiness is not something we chase or earn. It is something we remember, uncover, and allow ourselves. It lives in the pause between meetings, the look shared with someone who truly sees us, the moment we choose presence over proof, the quiet thank-you we whisper to the life we’ve already built. You already carry every layer within you. The question is no longer “Will I ever be happy?” It is “How fully am I willing to let happiness in, right here, right now?”
Let that question be your gentle compass. The answers will unfold one honest moment at a time.
Footage made by Michelle Muus Fotografie at Suitehotel Pincoffs, made possible by the PUT-IT-ON platform.
Read more from Lidija Poth
Lidija Poth, Transformational Coach
Lidija Poth is a certified transformational coach (OTHM, level 7) accredited by the AC (UK), founder of MyLifeCoachingHub. With two decades shaping urban environments as an architect, city planner, and educator/ mentor at TUDelft, she now channels that strategic insight into empowering individuals, executives, high-intelligence professionals, and those recovering from toxic dynamics. Her co-creative approach builds deep trust to unlock personal freedom, authentic leadership, and joy. Through 1:1 coaching, programs, and immersive retreats in Bali and Croatia, she guides clients to reconnect with their true selves and thrive sustainably. Her mission is to ensure no one is left behind in their journey to becoming their best, most aligned version.
References:
[1] Boecker et al., 2008, Journal of Neuroscience
[2] Catalino et al., 2014, Emotion
[3] Bryant & Veroff, 2007
[4] Geller & Porges, 2014; Porges, 2021
[5] Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016
[6] Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010, PLOS Medicine meta-analysis: social connection rivals smoking cessation as a longevity factor
[7] Edmondson, 1999; Google’s Project Aristotle, 2015
[8] Huta & Ryan, 2010; Journal of Positive Psychology
[9] Nakamura & Csikszentmihalyi, 2009
[10] Ryan & Deci, 2000
[11] Ryff, 2014; Psychological Bulletin
[12] Kini et al., 2016; NeuroImage
[13] Sin & Lyubomirsky, 2009; Journal of Clinical Psychology
