Understanding Addictions with Conscious Parenting, Connection is Prevention
- 10 hours ago
- 8 min read
Arleen Tyndall spent 25 years as a trauma-informed clinical HIV pharmacist, now turned Conscious Parenting Coach trained by Oprah's favorite parenting expert, Dr.Shefali. A global speaker and co-author of the number 1 international bestseller The Perfectly Imperfect Family, she guides mothers to break generational patterns and heal family connections.
Vancouver is a paradox of fancy hotels, chic restaurants, and unaffordable real estate within walking distance of the Downtown Eastside. This neighborhood is known for its human misery, where sidewalk markets display stolen goods, drugs are openly dealt, and people inject in doorways. A person is often seen staggering through traffic in sloth-like motion or knocked out cold curbside, with breath so faint that passersby pause to confirm they are alive.
As the clinical HIV pharmacist in a medication adherence support program, I periodically accompanied an outreach nurse to deliver missed doses to patients in alleys, parks, or their single-room homes. This life-saving treatment could prevent the deterioration of their immune systems and slow the AIDS epidemic by reducing the devastating viral transmission that had hit this marginalized community.
It was here that I learned how humans cope with our own suffering.
“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” – Dr. Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
What is an addiction?
Every human seeks the solace or validation we have all needed since childhood. Once rewarded, our brain is wired to repeat behaviors that feed our dopamine cycle as a survival mechanism. We unknowingly carry these early coping blueprints into our adult lives, even if they no longer serve to protect us but rather lead us toward unhealthy and unwanted outcomes.
When we think of addictions, substance use is the first to come to mind, usually involving narcotics, cocaine, alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine. But our modern world has us overstimulated by a myriad of irresistible distractions, video games, gambling, shopping, social media, and processed foods, to name a few. Any one of us could be teetering on the precipice of an addiction if our unconscious behaviors meet the 4 C’s criteria:[1]
Craving: The intense physical and psychological desire that drives the behavior, accompanied by changes to the brain and often triggered by environmental cues or stressful life experiences.
Compulsion: The overpowering urge to engage in the behavior as if it were necessary for survival.
Control (loss of): The inability to manage, limit, or stop the behavior even when one wants to.
Consequences: A person continues the behavior despite serious negative outcomes like health issues, legal trouble, financial loss, and relationship breakdowns.
These conditions are met with substance abuse, vastly depicted in popular culture and seen on the streets of Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside. However, we all live in an illusion if we think that we are untouched by such pain. These addictions are mirrored in our own lives and even celebrated in our society.
Socially accepted addictions
Masked in our society, addictive practices are reinforced through collective emotional suppression, capitalist marketing, social acceptance, and cultural expectations for success.
Real-life examples of socially acceptable addictions that meet the 4 C’s criteria are modeled in the workaholic, the triathlete, and the perfectionist.
The workaholic who craves success is often goal-oriented and incessantly productive. Loss of control appears when work never ends, sacrificing time to rest or connect with loved ones outside working hours. The compulsion to prioritize career commitments for personal or family success puts relationships in jeopardy. The negative consequences are a distancing partner or unattached children who feel abandoned and unimportant. Avoiding these emotional conflicts in the home, they instead turn to work as a form of coping, unaware they are fueling the disconnection.
The triathlete craves the adrenaline of competition and is rewarded by achievement. A loss of control manifests as extensive training that monopolizes their time. Using family for support, they exercise despite physical injury or illness, juggle work, and neglect responsibilities, consequently becoming a disengaged partner or parent. Withdrawal may appear as guilt and anxiety when skipping exercise. Instead of enjoyment, the compulsive behavior fills an uncontrollable need to follow a rigid routine or is linked to diet or appearance preoccupations. Completing races and striving for faster times, these achievements create the appearance of healthy living.
The perfectionist craves finding the right solutions to all problems (read my Brainz article on How Perfectionism Is Harmful for Families and How to Break the Cycle).[2] Trapped in constant fixing mode, they compulsively jump into situations uninvited to get things done at their high standards. An inability to accept mistakes results in a loss of control when constantly crossing others’ boundaries. Surrounding family members may feel inept or not ‘good enough’ as a consequence, diminishing their self-perception and self-esteem.
These are only three examples of many publicly promoted addictive behaviors. The ubiquitous self-soothing consumption of food and alcohol directly affects physical health. Highly marketed to bait customers, shopping, sports betting, and government-sanctioned lotteries sow financial stress. When our lifestyle choices appear similar to others, it becomes easy to mask an addiction. What lies beneath our actions are the emotional reasons for them. Are we filling a painful void or acting with intention from positive internal motivation? One could work, race, and strive for healthy perfectionism, trying to improve oneself for the purpose of personal growth rather than proving one’s worth for fear of judgment and shame.[3] It is a very fine line indeed. But across all these behaviors, criminal or commendable, there are good things that happen for everyone engaging in an addiction that keeps them going back.
Benefits of addiction
“The first question to ask is not ‘what is wrong with the addiction,’ but ‘what is right about it?’ What is the person getting from the addiction?” – Dr. Gabor Maté
There are benefits of an addiction that fills a void within, albeit temporarily, which drives the continued behavior:[4]
Community connection with others
Pain relief from emotional trauma and life stress
Sense of control or empowerment over one’s life
Brings momentary comfort or peace to cope through unbearable situations
A signal for help guiding us to human suffering and unhealed wounds
Understanding these benefits rouses empathy and compassion for the person with an addiction. Through a conscious parenting lens, the focus shifts from the behavior to the unmet emotional need. What would drive a person toward self-sabotage? Pain from unhealed wounds is rooted in our youth.
Risk factors for addiction in youth
Can you see the common thread in this list of youth risk factors?[5]
Family history
Family conflicts, chaos, and stress
Unsupported mental health or neurodivergence challenges
Poor school performance or lack of school connections
Lack of parental or family engagement
Lack of social belonging or peer pressure
Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
Discrimination or oppression, for example race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation
Insufficient emotional safety and connection in a child’s early life increase their risk for substance use disorders and other addictions. Connection is to be seen, heard, and known; a child then feels worthy of love, validation, and belonging. These needs cannot be met if a parent is unaware of what they are. The four main psychological needs that every child requires are:[6]
Unconditional loving acceptance by multiple adults.
The ability to rest and not work, for example, not having to be smart, clever, pretty, or compliant for acceptance and belonging in the family.
The ability to experience all emotions without suppression allows for the natural development of healthy coping skills and emotional self-regulation.
Unstructured free play in nature.
Aside from awareness of these needs, a parent often lacks the self-regulation skills to provide for them. Parents have good intentions, but children do not feel them. Instead, they absorb a parent’s emotional dysregulation from the fear and anxiety modeled in our own behaviors. Passed on from one generation to the next, traditional or colonial parenting practices undermine emotional safety and connection. Awakened by my child’s worsening behaviors at home, I faced these hard truths in my own parenting journey while caring for patients challenged by addictions at work.
Lessons from Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside
For over two decades, I witnessed people spin through the revolving doors of hospitals, housing, jails, and treatment centers. They faced mental health challenges, addictions, poverty, homelessness, discrimination, and severe trauma. My clinical practice engaged people in their own healthcare through trauma-informed connection. Yet, I was trapped in a cycle of traditional parenting by default, causing harm by disconnecting from my child.
These four lessons I learned in the Downtown Eastside are urgently needed in our family homes:
Punishment fuels shame: The criminal justice system has not stopped people from using illegal drugs. Instead, it causes more shame, guilt, anxiety, and stress, the root feelings of trauma that keep humans detached and dependent on drugs. These are the same feelings that drive our children to ‘act out’ what they cannot articulate or process. Triggered parents who use punishment force obedience with fear or fuel misbehavior with more shame. Neither are outcomes for emotional resilience.
Prohibition drives rebellion: To forbid, censor, or mandate that something is not allowed creates reasons to rebel. When something is prohibited, it goes underground. The best example is the prohibition of alcohol. The black market boomed, tunnels were dug, and criminality spawned. The same happens in our homes. Kids may exhibit defiance outright and turn to peers for validation or lie to their parents in fear of disappointing them, because they still seek attachment from their caregivers for approval.
Harm reduction is needed at home: Clean needles, naloxone kits, and safe injection sites are examples of harm reduction for substance users to maximize safety by reducing negative effects while they continue using. In parenting, I came to understand my capacity to harm my child when I became dysregulated and reactive. If my child fears me, emotional safety in the home is jeopardized, along with our connection. Practicing conscious parenting reduces the harm of disconnection in my relationships.
Trauma informed self care can break cycles: The same trauma-informed care principles used to connect with patients need to be applied in parenting. They are safety, trust, collaboration, choice, and empowerment. Each is significant in conscious parenting, which prioritizes connection over control. Through self-connection, parents realize that their own traumas feed negative generational cycles if left unhealed.
Conclusion
It is crucial that we become conscious of our habitual patterns and make intentional choices to interrupt them. Remaining oblivious to the negative consequences of our behaviors propagates the insidious disconnection spreading in our families, a reflection of the disconnection within ourselves.
As parents, our children are constantly watching us. When we see their challenging behavior as communication, we can respond with compassion instead of control and fear. This allows our children to feel accepted for who they are, building self-worth from within rather than external approval. Emotional safety gives children a strong sense of belonging in their own home, promoting resilience so they can resist peer pressure and turn to you as their safe harbor. This form of connection is the most powerful prevention for addictions.
Read more from Arleen Tyndall
Arleen Tyndall, Conscious Parenting & Life Coach
Arleen Tyndall served marginalized communities challenged by addictions for 25 years as a trauma-informed clinical HIV pharmacist. After recognizing her own struggles in motherhood with perfectionism and inherited pain, she trained with Oprah's favorite parenting expert, Dr. Shefali. Her spiritual awakening and ancestral learnings in her mother's birthplace of Bali led her to launch a Conscious Parenting movement at The Green School and train in Somatic Alignment. A co-author of the #1 international bestseller The Perfectly Imperfect Family and a global speaker, she helps mothers reconnect to themselves and see their children as awakeners through vulnerable storytelling and practical tools that nurture self-compassion.
References:
[1] CAMH, Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
[2] Brainz article: Perfectionism is Harmful for Families: How to Break the Cycle, Dec 2025
[3] Link
[4] Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
[5] Link
[6] Dr. Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal
