Written by: Janet Macaluso, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Nested within a wide circle of family, colleagues, and community systems, we humans find health, happiness, and meaningful purpose. And sometimes, friction.
Leaders often feel like the only bullseye in a competitive archery tournament. Daily doses of cortisol-inducing stresses are equal opportunity “arrows” shot by the team, boss, customers, and family (insert any conflict synonym). Self Management is critical for long-term health and consistent high performance.
New economy leadership requires focusing beyond traditional functional competencies to do the job. Leadership today requires a qualitative and imperturbable state of being. Both are core to leading change and managing conflict, yet most development programs focus mainly on the doing.
As a Regenerative Leadership coach, here are two of my successful go-to approaches for helping leaders when they bring up delicate interpersonal challenges and other “stuff”.
Let’s first clarify the word “stuff” below. It’s now a common American expression that morphed from a bumper sticker to a card game and then a theatrical play. *Stuff Happens* describes an unavoidable aspect of the human condition: Crappy things hit the fan.
Tip No.1. Who’s stuff is it? Questions to untangle interpersonal conflict.
The first thing to clarify:
Is this my stuff (my psychological baggage)
Is it their stuff (their psychological baggage)
Is it our stuff? (something we need to resolve and uplift)
Let me break it down.
1. Is this my stuff (psychological baggage)?
Is this situation surfacing old wounds that go beyond the situation?
Am I unconsciously projecting my unresolved stuff here?
Example:
When I was ten, I didn’t get invited to a pajama party. Over the years, I’ve noticed that I get triggered whenever I’m excluded from something - even when I don’t want to attend! I find myself absorbed in excessive mind chatter and rumination. So this is my stuff, and I don’t need it to play out in this interaction.
2. Is this their stuff (psychological luggage)?
Do you think this has more to do with the other person’s stuff?
Are they overreacting or projecting?
Example:
I was a guest at a friend’s family barbeque. As they unpacked their stash of burgers and buns, the sister ranted, “Where’s the corn? Didn’t you buy corn?”
Since emotions are contagious, like a cold, I typically get hooked on others’ intense emotions. But this time, I had no investment in the drama. I don’t even like corn. It was her “stuff,” and I didn’t need to engage.
3. Is this our stuff?
If we answer “no” to the above questions and realize the situation calls for a joint resolution, then we need to focus on having conscious and productive conversations. See my two previous BRAINZ articles for more on how to have conscious conversations.
Tip No.2. I AM Worth It™ Roadmap for effective stress response.
We can’t prevent dreadful drama or regrettable events that ambush our emotions, sleep, and work-life balance.
Enter the I AM Worth IT™ Roadmap. This simple framework has reduced victimhood, frustration, and stress for thousands. Both cognitive therapy and emotional intelligence, the I AM Worth IT™ Roadmap strengthens our response-ability.
These four simple questions can reduce emotional churn and relationship burn by providing more effective and emotionally skillful options.
Don’t take my word for it – try it on your own “stuff”! Apply the roadmap to ONE stressful situation or scenario at a time by asking yourself four questions.
NOTE: Answer for one case at a time – don’t combine several cases together.
1. Is this matter Important to me? | Yes or No? |
2. Are my thoughts/feelings Appropriate to the facts of the situation? (Am I overreacting or catastrophizing?) | Yes or No? |
3. Is the situation Modifiable in ways that will reduce my negative feelings/thoughts? | Yes or No? |
4. When I balance the needs of myself and of others, is taking action Worth it? | Yes or No? |
If you reply "No" to ANY question, use Self-Management Skills such as:
Composing new self-talk
Refocus your mind
Get curious, not furious
Relaxation, meditation or HeartMath
If you reply "Yes" to ALL the questions, Take Action:
Joint problem-solving
Practice acceptance and empathy
Assertion - make a request
Example:
I recently had a pissy-pants moment and applied the roadmap questions. When I got to "Are my thoughts and feelings about this situation Appropriate?” I thought of an emotionally mature friend and realized that hell no, they would not have gotten so rattled about this. I realized that I basically needed to "Chill Out."
Really Cool Part: This framework helps us live in the now – because we assess ONE situation at a time, without pig-piling past misdeeds onto the present situation or person.
So next time life throws some "stuff" your way, remember to say I AM Worth IT!
Leadership is defined differently depending on the guru selling their book. I define it through a living systems lens instead of a traditional, 20th Century Industrialized approach. My Regenerative Leadership approach stewards you to do more and be more for your people, places, and causes.
Do you want to improve your leadership for the 21st Century challenges? Take my Regenerative Leadership Self-Assessment to see how Clear, Coherent and On-Purpose your Leadership is.
Janet Macaluso, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
After a 25-year corporate career developing executives, teams, and organizations, Janet founded Learning2LEAD, a Regenerative Leadership Development practice based in Cambridge, USA, and Malaga, Spain.
No stranger to personal regeneration, Janet reinvented herself from a college dropout to a flight attendant and aerobic instructor to an award-winning coach and global executive with three academic degrees.
Janet created Learning2LEAD to reflect on the life, legacy, and impact she wants to leave. Applying modern science and ancient wisdom, Janet stewards successful mid-life change-makers, leaders, and rabble-rousers ready to transform their "1st-half" successes into "2nd-half" significance.
Whether in virtual workshops or leadership hiking retreats in Spain, Janet nudges clients to move toward their Best Future Self Now - so they can do the same for their people and places. Her mission: To Ban Average!
