Why Most Leaders Fail the Body Odour Test and What That Reveals About Emotional Intelligence
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 20
- 5 min read
Written by Nick Haswell, Coach, Speaker & Author
Nick Haswell is a coach, author, and speaker with nearly 20 years of experience in performance, leadership, and personal development. He helps people reconnect with their voice, values, and purpose through coaching and workshops, empowering them to lead and live authentically.
When people ask what emotional intelligence has to do with leadership, I tell them this story. It starts with a role-play, a manager, and a moment that still makes me wince.
The setup
I’ll never forget the manager who looked me straight in the eye and told me he was an expert at difficult conversations.
This was during one of my leadership development workshops, and we’d reached the moment I both love and dread: the role-play exercise.
The scenario was simple but brutal, delivering feedback to a team member about a personal hygiene issue. It’s the kind of conversation that separates confident leaders from truly skilled ones.
“I’ve got this,” he said, rolling up his sleeves with the swagger of someone who’d clearly been promoted for his directness. “I’m excellent at one-to-ones with my team. No beating around the bush.” I should have seen it coming.
He positioned himself across from his volunteer colleague, made brief eye contact, and without any preamble, set-up, or consideration for the human being in front of him, pointed directly at them and declared:
“Mate, you f*ing smell.” (Yes, he actually said that.)
The room went silent.
Not the productive kind of silence that follows a powerful moment of learning. The kind of silence that follows a car crash.
The expertise illusion
In that moment, I realised I was witnessing something far more common than I’d hoped: the expertise illusion.
This manager genuinely believed that being direct equaled being effective. That cutting through politeness was the same as cutting to the chase. He wasn’t malicious. He wasn’t stupid. He was simply operating with a fundamentally flawed understanding of what difficult conversations actually require.
Over the years of running this exercise, I’ve watched hundreds of leaders attempt this same scenario. They fall into two equally destructive camps:
The Aggressive Directors: They believe that directness without empathy is strength. They deliver feedback like a hammer blow, effective at destruction, useless for construction.
The Terrified Tap-Dancers: They water down the message so much that it becomes incomprehensible.
Both approaches fail spectacularly but for different reasons.
What’s really happening here
Here’s what neither group understands: Difficult conversations aren’t about the information you deliver. They’re about the human being who receives it.
The aggressive directors focus entirely on message clarity, while completely ignoring emotional impact. The tap-dancers focus so much on avoiding offence that they never actually communicate anything meaningful.
Both miss the fundamental truth:
You cannot separate the message from the messenger, the content from the context, or the feedback from the feeling it creates.
When our “expert” pointed at his colleague and delivered his crude assessment, he wasn’t just giving feedback about hygiene. He was communicating a dozen other messages:
“I don’t respect you enough to have this conversation thoughtfully.”
“Your feelings don’t matter to me.”
“I see you as a problem to be solved, not a person to be supported.”
“This workplace doesn’t value dignity.”
The human operating system we’re missing
Traditional leadership training teaches us to focus on what to say and when to say it. But it completely ignores the most critical question:
What do you want the other person to feel?
Not just during the conversation but after it. Not just about the feedback but about themselves, about you, and their place in the organisation.
This isn’t about being soft or avoiding difficult truths. It’s about being effective. Because here’s what every leader needs to understand:
If someone doesn’t feel respected during a difficult conversation, they won’t hear the message. If they don’t hear the message, nothing changes. If nothing changes, you’ve failed as a leader.
The better way
The most effective leaders I’ve worked with approach difficult conversations with what I call an Integrated Human Operating System. They understand that successful feedback requires three things happening simultaneously:
Crystal clear communication of the issue and expected change
Genuine regard for the person’s dignity and emotional experience
Intentional preservation of the working relationship
It’s not about choosing between directness and kindness. It’s about understanding that true directness includes emotional intelligence. Imagine if our “expert” had approached the conversation differently:
“I need to discuss something sensitive with you, and I want to handle it respectfully. There’s a personal hygiene issue that’s affecting the team dynamic. Firstly, are you aware that you have it? And then, how can I support you with this? Please know that my discretion regarding this matter is guaranteed; this conversation stays between you and me.”
Same message. Radically different human impact.
The test that reveals everything
The body odour conversation has become my litmus test for leadership capability. Not because personal hygiene is the most important workplace issue, but because it reveals everything about how a leader thinks about people.
Do they see difficult conversations as problems to be dispatched or opportunities to strengthen relationships? Do they prioritise their own comfort over the other person’s dignity? Do they understand that how you make someone feel is just as important as what you make them know?
Your next difficult conversation
Before your next challenging conversation, ask yourself one simple question: “What do I want this person to feel when we’re done talking?”
Not just informed. Not just corrected. But felt and seen.
Do you want them to feel respected? Supported? Clear about expectations? Confident they can improve? Valued despite the feedback?
Your answer to that question will change your approach to conversations and reveal whether you're truly leading with emotional intelligence or simply using bluntness. The real test of leadership isn't just what you say, but whether you foster trust, respect, and positive change through your words.
The choice, as always, is yours.
The scenarios described are composites based on multiple workshop experiences. No individual’s dignity was harmed in the writing of this article, though plenty of egos took a hit.
If this made you pause
If this story made you reflect or wince, good. That’s where growth begins. Share it with a leader who’s ready to upgrade their operating system.
Read more from Nick Haswell
Nick Haswell, Coach, Speaker & Author
Nick Haswell is a coach, author, and speaker with nearly 20 years of experience helping people build confidence, clarity, and purpose. He blends practical coaching tools with mindset strategies to empower authentic leadership and personal growth. Nick is the author of the upcoming book The Confident Revolution, inspiring readers to overcome fear and step into their power.
