What’s Worse? Scary Movie 3 Or “We Have To Talk”?
Updated: Mar 21, 2024
Written by: Janet Macaluso, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Does “We Have to Talk” trigger an inner primal scream? Perhaps you’ve heard these ominous 4-words from...
The Boss: “I have some feedback”
A Partner: “It’s me, not you”
Garage Mechanic: “It’s the transmission”
Child's teacher: “About their behavior”
If you wince when faced with interpersonal friction, you’re not alone. Awkward “Undiscussables” often evoke fear and avoidance. Yet our most compelling social, political, and planetary topics urgently require skillful communications. If your earnest efforts deserve more than a snowball’s chance in the global warming crisis, let’s revisit Undiscussables with fresh eyes – to develop ourselves, our people, places, and causes.
So I surveyed 160k+ people on Challenging Conversations. The respondents encompassed a global community with a keen interest in all things development: Personal Growth, Emotional Intelligence, Communications, and Leadership.
My question was this: “What do you fear most about having Challenging Conversations?” And the clear “winning” response was actually having the Undiscussable. As one respondent said:
How do you START an Undiscussable, even when your knees are shaking??
Well, this is what I do all day, every day… help changemakers bust through communication blocks to evolve and innovate their relationships, teams, and businesses. And when the survey indicated a widespread fear of initiating challenging conversations, I realized my personal “go-to” "Springboard Sentences" list for starting Undiscussables may be of value when communicating important topics.
"Springboard Sentences" aren’t paint-by-number exact scripts; rather, suggestions on how you might start a vibrant, life-affirming dialogue instead of dreaded drama. And with the upcoming holiday seasonal stress, you may want the list nearby to administer “Communication First-Aid.”
If You Think You're Enlightened, Go Spend a Week with Your Family. - Ram Dass
What’s a Springboard Sentence?
Like setting an inviting dinner table for a special event or guest, Springboard Sentences set the tone and demonstrate the importance of the conversation. You want to convey that this communication is different from the daily, routine chit-chat. Here are some phrases to consider, then create your own.
I'm between a rock and a hard place. The rock is having this conversation. The hard place is not having it.
What I want is a heartfelt dialogue. What I don't want is a shouting match or a lost opportunity to share our truth and grow together.
My intention is to share my experience. I don’t intend to be a “know-it-all.”
Could we agree to allow each of us to talk as long as we want? We’ll interrupt only for clarification. And we’ll listen until the other person says “done”.
I understand the decision you made. I don't completely understand the rationale behind that choice.
Preventions and Interventions
Springboard sentences are “Preventions” – the thinking and doing prior to an anticipated interaction. They help tip the scales towards conversational success. If and when the conversation takes a turn for the worse, you may have to intervene with an “Intervention” reminder of previous agreements. With skill and practice, the turn-around can be incredibly fast. The first step is acknowledging you’ll need structure, courage, and compassion.
The list below is a structure for skillfully addressing Undiscussables.
1. initiating the conversation – see Springboard Sentences above
2. balancing advocacy and inquiry
3. sharing the artifacts
4. inviting the other to share their data and conclusions
5. ending stronger
I’ll reveal more nuggets in my following articles. In the meantime, would you like to take my upcoming Undiscussables Quiz?
Sign up for early access to my Quiz and webinar “What’s Your No.1 Blocker to Breakthrough Conversation?”
If you know someone who needs this info, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
Janet Macaluso, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
After a 25-year corporate career developing executives, teams, and organizations, Janet founded Learning2LEAD, a Regenerative Leadership Development practice based in Cambridge, USA, and Malaga, Spain.
No stranger to personal regeneration, Janet reinvented herself from a college dropout to a flight attendant and aerobic instructor to an award-winning coach and global executive with three academic degrees.
Janet created Learning2LEAD to reflect the life, legacy, and impact she wants to leave. Applying modern science and ancient wisdom, Janet stewards successful mid-life change-makers, leaders, and rabble-rousers ready to transform their "1st-half" successes into "2nd-half" significance. Whether in virtual workshops or leadership hiking retreats in Spain, Janet nudges clients to move toward their Best Future Self Now - so they can do the same for their people and places. Her mission: To Ban Average!
