Through the Eyes of a Survivor
- Mar 22, 2021
- 5 min read
Updated: Mar 19, 2024
Written by: Michelle Di Muria, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever thought about what it might be like for someone who survived being sexually assaulted/raped? What goes through the mind as they deal with the aftermath of what happened to them? As we approach April, known as Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I wanted to provide some insight into my own journey of what it is like a victim and now a survivor of rape. I will also share the impact it had on my mental health.
Waring Possible Triggers
In the beginning, after I remembered everything that happened to me when I was raped, I felt numb. I think the hardest part for me at the time was trying to understand the why? Why did this happen to me? And why did my brain wait so long for me to remember? While I am not an expert, I have my own personal theory. My theory is because of how bad the rape was.
Without going into too much detail, as a result of the rape, my back was broken. On the flip side, I am now a bionic woman, rods in my back, and I feel so much better.
You will notice, I tend to use a lot of humor when I share my story. It is one of my coping mechanisms with my rape and my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It helps me get myself centered and focused on what is important in my life. It even helped me when I had my back surgery. Providing me just enough comfort before I went under the knife.
Shortly after my back surgery in 2018, I started to fall down the rabbit hole once again. As I shared in one of my early articles, I contemplated suicide in 2017. It had gotten to the point where I had written my goodbye letters, had the pills in my hand, and was ready to say goodbye to this cruel world. Even though I did not contemplate suicide this time around, it felt like I was drowning, and no one would save me. I felt trapped because I could not do what I wanted. I was laid up in bed for almost two months. It felt like a lifetime. I was scared I would not be able to defend myself if someone tried to harm me once again. But I got through, and for the first time, I felt like a survivor. I was back on my feet, working on my foundation and continuing to heal. Sharing my story with whoever would list it was very therapeutic and still is to this day.
Today, I consider myself a survivor of rape. My attacker no longer has a hold on me, but I still have a long way to go in the healing process. I am only in the beginning stages of the next phase in my healing process. It has not been easy, and there are days I want to throw in the towel. Days that I am angry with what happened to me. Frustrated when people ask me the same questions over and over, making me feel invisible.
These are some of my own personal tips of things I have experienced throughout my journey.
Tip No.1 – Do not ask a rape survivor why we did not fight back.
“Every time someone asks me this question, it makes me feel weak, and it frustrates me.”
Tip No.2 – Do not judge us for how we handle our rape.
“I’ve had so many people tell me it was my fault that I deserved what happened to me. That I need to get over it and move on. Believe me, if I could snap my fingers and make it disappear, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I cannot. This will always be with me for the rest of my life, but it will get easier with time.”
Tip No.3 – Be patient.
“It’s not easy for me to trust someone right away, especially if it’s a guy. No, I do not think every guy is horrible. It just takes me some time to let my guard down and let people in. But if you are patient and you give me time, you can have a friend for life!”
Tip No.4 – Be upfront and honest.
“If I trust you enough to share what happened to me, and it is too much for you to handle, be honest and tell me what you’re feeling or if you need time to process it. Please do not pretend. I rather you tell me you do not want to hear about that part of my life, or it is too much for us to be in each other’s lives, then for you to make me believe you like having me around. I promise I will respect you more as a person.”
Tip No.5 – Check-in.
“If we have become friends, check in occasionally. Sometimes it just takes a text from someone in my BEE tribe to make all the difference in the world. It is still hard for me to ask for help, but I am getting better. One of the biggest reasons? I am afraid people are going to walk away. When you have been burned or let down, and you have been through what I have been through. It is not easy to let your guard and trust someone. It takes time, and I tend to make it hard. I want to know who is going to stick around for the long haul.”
These past four years have taught me a lot about myself, both the good and the bad. It has not been easy. There are days I fall down the rabbit hole, and there are some days I curl up in a ball and cry. But it is the little victories in life that remind me, and things are getting better. It is the ones who check-in and remind me, I still matter in this world. The ones who will jump on zoom with me while I bawl my eyes out. The ones I can pick up the phone and call, not carrying what time it might be. The ones I can text random GIFS, the ones who make me laugh, the ones who do not judge me. We all have a purpose in life.
My purpose in life is to continue telling my story and being the voice for those who are not quite ready to share their story. You will get there when the time is right. And when you do, I will be right there, cheering you on from the sidelines.
Michelle DiMuria, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Michelle DiMuria, is a survivor of rape and the founder and CEO of the BEE Daring Foundation. Graduating with a Bachelor’s of Arts in Psychology and a Bachelor’s of Science in Criminal Justice (2016), and a Master’s of Criminal Justice in 2017. After being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), in 2017, Michelle contemplated suicide. Shortly after her guardian angel saved her, Michelle realized her calling in life. Creating her foundation sooner than later. The BEE Daring Foundation focuses on the civilian side of mental health, providing workshops, resources, events, and more. Launching her own digital mental health magazine, Michelle has crossed paths with over 6,000 people. This year, Michelle launched her podcast BEE Real and self-published her first comic book! Michelle’s goal, to eradicate these stigmas that surround mental health.
