The Polished Mask and Why High-Achieving Women Still Feel Not Enough
- 43 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Written by Ebi Sheila Diete-Spiff, Lifestyle Strategist
Ebi Sheila Diete-Spiff is a leading self-love and transition coach, speaker, and mentor. She is the founder of Ebi’s Powerhouse, where she equips women worldwide with the tools to break free from self-doubt, reclaim their worth, and step into their power with confidence.
From the outside, everything looks as it should. Your career is established. Your responsibilities are handled. You are capable, reliable, and composed. Others describe you as impressive, sometimes even inspiring. You are the woman people trust. The one who gets things done. The one who holds it all together.
And yet, beneath that polished exterior, many high-achieving women carry a quieter, more unsettling question, why doesn’t this feel like enough? Not because something is wrong on the surface. But because something deeper has been left unattended.
The polished mask we learn to wear
I call this experience the polished mask. It is the version of ourselves that functions flawlessly in the world articulate, emotionally regulated, always “fine.” It is the woman who shows up prepared, who does not fall apart in public, who carries responsibility with grace.
The polished mask is often mistaken for confidence. But in truth, it is usually a form of adaptation. For many women, particularly those who learned early that they had to be capable to survive, the polished mask was protective. Achievement became safety. Composure became belonging. Being “low maintenance” became a way to avoid rejection or instability.
Check out the article: Imposter Phenomenon
The message was rarely spoken outright, but it was absorbed all the same:
I am valued when I perform.
I am safe when I cope.
I belong when I do not need too much.
Over time, what began as a survival strategy quietly hardened into identity.
When strength becomes a requirement
The world rewards the polished mask. It rewards resilience, competence, and emotional containment. It celebrates women who can carry more, do more, and ask for less.
But when strength becomes a requirement rather than a choice, softness begins to feel unsafe.
Rest feels indulgent.
Slowing down feels irresponsible.
Asking for help feels unfamiliar, sometimes even shameful.
So many women continue to push forward not because they are thriving, but because they do not know another way to be.
They learn to function exceptionally well while feeling increasingly disconnected from themselves.
The polished mask does not ask how you are feeling. It only asks whether you are functioning.
And over time, functioning replaces listening.
Check out this article: Redefining Your Worth
Why success doesn’t heal self-worth
There is a persistent belief, especially among high achievers, that confidence will arrive once enough has been accomplished.
Once the title is secured.
Once the recognition is earned.
Once the external markers finally align.
But self-worth does not operate on a reward system. You can accumulate achievements and still feel internally fragile. You can be accomplished and still feel uncertain of your value. You can be outwardly successful and inwardly exhausted.
Because when worth has been tied to performance for most of your life, success does not bring relief, it raises the stakes.
Every achievement becomes something to protect.
Every win increases the pressure to maintain.
Every new level brings a quieter fear of being exposed.
This is why so many accomplished women experience imposter syndrome not at the beginning of their careers, but at the height of them.
The mask becomes heavier. The gap between who you are and who you present widens. And the internal question shifts from “Am I capable?” to “What happens if I stop performing?”
The invisible emotional labour
High-achieving women often carry an invisible layer of emotional labour that goes largely unrecognised.
They regulate themselves to stay professional.
They anticipate needs before they are voiced.
They absorb tension so others can feel comfortable.
They hold themselves to standards no one explicitly named, but everyone benefits from. Because this labour is unseen, it is rarely acknowledged. Not by organisations. Not by families. And often, not even by the women carrying it.
So:
When exhaustion appears, it is interpreted as weakness.
When resentment surfaces, it is suppressed.
When joy fades, it is rationalised away.
Until the body intervenes. Burnout. Chronic stress. Illness. Emotional numbness. A quiet loss of meaning. Not because these women are incapable but because they have been over-functioning for too long.
When the mask begins to crack
For most women, there is a moment, sometimes subtle, sometimes seismic, when the polished mask begins to fracture.
It may arrive as a health scare, a deep fatigue that does not lift, or a success that feels unexpectedly hollow. Sometimes it appears as a quiet realisation late at night, I cannot keep living like this.
This moment is often interpreted as failure. But it is not.
It is an invitation.
An invitation to question the rules you have been living by.
An invitation to separate who you are from what you do.
An invitation to explore what worth might feel like if it were not earned.
The discomfort is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is a sign that something deeper is asking to be acknowledged.
From performance to presence
Releasing the polished mask does not mean abandoning ambition or excellence. It means redefining the source from which they come.
When worth is internal, effort becomes a choice rather than a compulsion. Boundaries stop feeling like rejection and begin to feel like self-trust. Rest becomes legitimate, not something to be earned after exhaustion.
This shift does not happen through force or positive thinking. It begins with awareness gentle, honest awareness of where you learned to equate being valuable with being useful, pleasing, or exceptional.
It begins with different questions:
Who am I when I am not producing?
What parts of myself have I been managing instead of listening to?
What would it feel like to belong to myself first?
These are not questions with immediate answers. They are questions that open space.
A closing reflection
If this article resonates, it may be because you recognise yourself somewhere within it, not as broken or lacking, but as someone who learned to survive brilliantly and is now being invited to live differently.
The polished mask was never a flaw. It was wisdom in context. And like all wisdom, there comes a time when it asks to be updated.
In my work with women navigating this threshold, I often encourage slowing the moment down, reflecting rather than rushing to fix, listening rather than overriding what the body and inner voice are already communicating.
There is quiet power in naming the mask. In noticing where worth became conditional. And in creating space to reconnect with yourself beyond performance.
Sometimes, the most radical shift is not striving for more but allowing yourself to live from what has always been there.
If this article stirred something, take it as a sign to slow the moment down. Awareness is often the first step toward meaningful change. Creating space for reflection and support can help you move from coping to living with greater ease and self-trust.
For a conversation, connect with me here.
Read more from Ebi Sheila Diete-Spiff
Ebi Sheila Diete-Spiff, Lifestyle Strategist
Ebi Sheila Diete-Spiff is a self-love and mental fitness strategist who empowers women to reclaim their worth and embrace their potential with confidence. Born in Hertfordshire, England, she transformed personal struggles with toxic relationships, divorce, chronic illness, and single motherhood into a journey of resilience and growth. A pivotal awakening in 2014 inspired her to embrace self-love, fueling her mission to guide women worldwide past self-doubt. Through her signature blueprint, The WORTHY Woman Framework, Ebi offers tools for healing and empowerment. Today, she stands as a beacon of hope, inspiring women to live boldly and authentically.
