The Honesty Mistake Most People Make and What to Do Instead
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Kathy Ziola, MA, author of “Live Compassion,” is a Psychotherapist, Communication Coach, and Certified Trainer with the international Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) and Founder of Communication Works.
Have you ever heard someone begin a conversation with “I just want to be honest with you” and immediately felt your stomach tighten, cringing with the expectation of a barrage of criticism in the name of honesty? For many of us, honesty equals criticism, blame, and painful conversations. Yet genuine honesty does not have to leave people feeling attacked or defensive. In fact, when expressed with self-responsibility and compassion, honesty can become one of the most powerful tools for creating trust, understanding, and lasting connection. What if the problem is not honesty itself, but how we have learned to practice it?
Why “I’m just being honest” often backfires
When you hear, “I’ve got to be honest with you. You are so inconsiderate, and I really think you are being stupid about this,” how helpful is that, really?
I remember attending a workshop back in the 1980s where one of the mottos was “Tell more truth faster and have more fun per hour.” I loved that motto, and I did my best to tell a lot of truth. The outcome was not always much fun, though!
The problem was that there was no instruction on how to be honest in a self-responsible way that allowed people to actually receive what I wanted to share, including things that would benefit them, me, and the greater whole.
I think I was really in the mindset of “You are doing this wrong” or “Something is the matter with you.” I imagine that many of us value honesty and, with the best intentions, have said many hurtful things in its name. When we do this, trust and the sense of warm connection are diminished or broken.
The irony of habitually expressing honesty through criticism is that it actually makes it difficult for listeners to receive our message when we desperately want to be understood. They experience the judgment as an attack, so they shut down and become defensive.
Criticism usually covers up something much more tender. Beneath our judgments are feelings, disappointments, hopes, and values that deeply matter to us. When we criticize, people hear the attack. When we reveal what matters to us, people are much more likely to hear our hearts.
Relationship researcher John Gottman found that criticism, which involves attacking another person’s character rather than describing a specific concern, is one of the strongest predictors of relationship distress. When people feel criticized, they naturally become defensive instead of curious.
There is a difference between brutal honesty and authentic honesty
I offer you a new kind of honesty, one rooted not in evaluation but in authentic self-expression. It is not about telling someone who they are. It is about revealing our experience and what is true for us.
The intention is to create understanding and more connection between people while being respectful and caring. It includes taking responsibility for our own feelings, values, and needs and making requests instead of demands.
From opinions to vulnerability
Let’s say I am upset because my partner said they would complete their part of the job on Monday so I could do my part on Tuesday and leave for vacation on Wednesday. They did not complete their part on Monday, and my vacation was delayed by two days. Whoa, am I fuming!
Using the old form of honesty, I might say something to my partner like, “I have to be honest with you. You are really inefficient, irresponsible, and inconsiderate. You don’t care about anyone but yourself, and I have to say, I don’t think I can trust you anymore. You really just need to get your work done on time.”
Imagine how you might feel hearing that honesty. The partner is likely to respond with something defensive, such as, “Well, you should have known better than to schedule your vacation when you knew we had this big project. It’s your own darn fault.”
Being honest can be kind and caring when we share from our authentic and vulnerable experience. Brutal honesty simply stimulates pain and disconnection. I’m sure most of us have experienced this, probably on both sides of the interaction. Let’s see how the new way might sound.
Take responsibility for your inner experience
Before saying, “I just want to be honest with you,” do some inner reflection. Ask yourself what you are actually feeling, what matters most to you right now, what outcome you hope the conversation will create, and how you can express yourself in a way that invites connection.
Focus on your vulnerable feelings and needs, as well as the impact of the situation, instead of labeling and judging the other person.
Using this new form of honesty to work toward understanding and connection between us, I might say something like, “Wow, I am so upset and disappointed that the deadline was not met for your part of the project and that I had to stay in town. I’m missing two days of my vacation, and I am frustrated because I really needed that time to relax and rejuvenate after working so hard. I really value reliability and teamwork because they help me relax and trust that we’re working together. Would you mind telling me what you are hearing me say?”
This is an authentic expression that lets the person know what matters to you and how you feel while inviting reflection and care.
In this case, my partner might respond with, “Oh, I understand that this has had a big impact on you. Your vacation time is important to you because you need to rejuvenate after a difficult project, and you want reliability, consideration for your vacation time, and better teamwork.”
Shifting from blaming to understanding changes the whole dynamic
After hearing that they understood what was important to me, I might add, “I’d like to understand what happened,” or, “I would really like to brainstorm how we can prevent this in the future. Would you be willing to think it through with me?”
Imagine how you might feel hearing this expression. Do you think there is a greater possibility of resolving the upset? Instead of simply demanding that they get their work done on time in the future, there is a request for dialogue and collaboration.
When we share our feelings and deeper values instead of blame and judgment, people are more likely to hear what truly matters to us and be open to making changes. This approach works in all kinds of interactions, from parenting and intimacy to business and conflict mediation.
Maybe the next time you are tempted to begin a conversation with “I just want to be honest with you,” pause and ask yourself, “Am I about to tell this person what is wrong with them, or am I about to share what is true for me?”
One creates defensiveness. The other creates the possibility of understanding and a warm connection. This is a small taste of Compassionate Communication, a foundation for peaceful and powerful interaction. You can learn the whole model with us at an upcoming training here.
Read more from Kathy Ziola
Kathy Ziola, CNVC Certified Trainer and Coach
Kathy Ziola, MA, is a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication and has been immersed in the practice and teaching of Nonviolent Communication since 2005. Her passion lies in authenticity, living with presence and compassion, and helping others do the same. With over 35 years of experience as a psychotherapist, group facilitator, and healing arts professional, Kathy brings deep understanding and insight into human relationships and personal growth.
