The Greatest Threat to Men Today Is Not Weakness but Disconnection
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 25
- 11 min read
Daryl Henderson is a master coach, facilitator, and artist known for blending spiritual traditions, shadow work, and leadership training. He is the co-founder of Odyssey of Man, the creator of True North Coaching, and the founder of One11, a health & wellness brand.
Imagine living in a world where you can reach anyone at the touch of a button, yet feel like you have no one to call when it matters most. That's the strange reality for countless men today. Our lives are overflowing with pings, notifications, and surface-level conversations, but when the bottom drops out, who truly has your back?
The call we can no longer ignore
This is not simply a “mental health crisis.” There’s something older and deeper at play, something that has been building for generations. It is what I call a Crisis of Connection, and it’s all around us.
Walk into any café or restaurant, and you’ll see men and women sitting across from each other, scrolling through phones instead of looking into one another’s eyes. Attend a dinner party, and notice how quickly conversations skim the surface, sports, politics, work stress, and relationship complaints. But underneath the banter lies something unspoken, the ache of disconnection, a longing for something deeper, and the silent despair of having no idea what to do about it.
There’s a hunger to be seen and heard, and yet the programming most men in the modern world receive is, “Big boys don’t cry.” “Figure it out on your own.” “Stop being a sissy.” The belief is that talking about emotions makes us weak. Modern manhood has been shaped around autonomy, emotional suppression, and self-sufficiency, while rejecting sensitivity, vulnerability, and mutual support.
When you step back and look at the Western world today, the results of this ideology are undeniable. The U.S. Surgeon General has called loneliness an “epidemic”.[1] Suicide remains one of the leading causes of death for men under 50 years old. “The suicide rate among males in 2023 was approximately four times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides”.[2]
Men are killing themselves at four times the rate of women. Couple that with the fact that we can hardly turn on the news without hearing about another mass shooting in the United States, and it’s no wonder that substance abuse, pornography addiction, and workaholism are soaring.
These are not isolated issues. They are symptoms of a deeper wound, leaving many men helpless, lonely, and disconnected in our modern world.
And yet, every crisis carries within it a hidden invitation. I believe what we are witnessing today is a call for greater depth and intelligence, specifically, emotional intelligence (EQ).
Crossing the threshold: Where the journey to healing begins
In Joseph Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces, every great journey begins with a call. Sometimes it comes as a whisper, other times as a thunderclap. For many men today, the call does not arrive in the form of dragons or armies but through subtler doorways, a failing marriage, a father who can’t be reached, a friend’s suicide, or the emptiness of professional success that was supposed to be the dream life.
At first, most refuse the call, brushing it aside for the everyday trappings of life, giving the same old excuses that have been used for ages, “I don’t have the time, money, or energy.” Or worse, “This doesn’t really apply to me. I’m fine the way I am.” All the while, he’s considering cheating on his wife, again.
These moments of exploration feel too disruptive, too threatening to the identities we’ve worked so hard to build and maintain. Many double down on familiar patterns, more hours at the office, another drink, another endless scroll through the feed, rather than face the deeper truth waiting underneath.
Sadly, most men will never get past this stage. Caught in the loop of not knowing what to do or where to turn, they endlessly numb themselves and distract.
But eventually, for those who listen, the call cannot be ignored. Suddenly, an opportunity appears. A whisper nudges you to say, “I need to do this.” It may not look dramatic. It might be a quiet night when you realize you’re tired of pretending, or a heated argument when you finally admit the problem isn’t about the dishes. This is where the seeds of EQ are first planted.
The threshold is the recognition that the old ways of being and acting are no longer serving you. Something has to change, and it must start with the man in the mirror. Crossing this threshold means leaving behind the scripts handed down by culture, family, and media. It means stepping into the unknown, with no guarantee of safety, and only the promise of transformation remains.
It’s that moment when the pain of staying the same finally outweighs the pain of change. That’s when something shifts.
How did we get here? The masks we inherit
Robert Bly wrote of the “long bag we drag behind us,” a metaphor for all the parts of ourselves we were told to hide, our grief, tenderness, creativity, broken hearts, and fear. From a young age, boys are taught what belongs in the bag:
Don’t cry or you’ll get something to cry about.
Don’t ask for help. Strong boys can do it all by themselves.
Don’t be “weak.”
In their place, we are handed masks, the stoic, the warrior, the provider, the achiever. These masks form the origins of our shadow selves, the parts of us we hide, repress, and deny.
Masks are not inherently bad, they help us navigate life’s demands. But when a mask hardens and fuses to the face, when we forget it is a mask, it suffocates us. We begin to believe the mask is all there is, and the true self withers from neglect. This is where silent rage builds until we just can’t take it anymore.
This explains why so many men feel alienated not only from others but from themselves. They are living as shadows of who they might become. Eventually, the mask cracks, not in quiet vulnerability, but in eruptions of anger, violence, burnout, withdrawal, despair, or suicide.
The Crisis of Connection is not simply about loneliness. It is about the deep fracture between who we truly are as men and who we were taught to be.
And yet, in my experience facilitating men’s work for the past decade, I’ve seen that most men carry a profound capacity for care, depth, and connection, qualities that have been suppressed but not extinguished. This is what gives me hope.
Are you willing to face the shadows you’ve been avoiding?
Every great journey requires a descent into darkness, where we face what we fear most. Campbell called it “the belly of the whale.” It's the passage where the old self dies, and a new self begins to take form.
This descent is a confrontation with what we’ve avoided, the shame of not measuring up, the grief inherited from fathers and grandfathers, the guilt from failures in love or leadership, the broken hearts, and the shattered dreams.
It can feel like death because, in a way, it is. It's the death of our old identity. True initiation isn’t meant to be comfortable. It burns. It asks us to leave behind boyhood and step into manhood. The boy will always be part of us, but when he runs our lives in adulthood, he creates chaos and confusion.
When a man chooses to descend willingly through therapy, men’s groups, shadow work, or deep inner inquiry, he discovers the monsters of the underworld were never trying to kill him. They were guardians of his treasure, his capacity for intimacy, his creativity, and his authentic power.
Through this journey, we discover our fears are our greatest teachers. Slowly, we stop running and finally turn to face the darkness that’s been nipping at our heels.
A man who knows, acknowledges, and respects his shadows becomes capable of creating a safe space for his family, his partner, and his community. He becomes a place of safety because he has met his own edges and carries compassion for others still in the process.
This treasure cannot be found on the surface. It waits in the belly of the beast.
Discovering the sword: The power of emotional intelligence in men
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung
Here lies the heart of the work, emotional intelligence, or EQ. Too often dismissed as “softness,” EQ is, in fact, the sharpest sword a man can wield. It is the ability to recognize, name, and transform what is happening within, so his life is not ruled by unconscious reactions.
Consider the familiar scenario, a man explodes at his partner over dishes in the sink. The dishes are not the issue. Beneath his anger is something deeper, a feeling of being unseen, unappreciated, or afraid of irrelevance. Perhaps he has felt emasculated and powerless for a long time, and then he erupts.
Without the skill of emotional intelligence, the man lashes out, which reinforces disconnection and validates the story that he is unlovable or unworthy.
But with awareness, he can pause, name what’s truly alive, and speak from his deeper truth, “I feel invisible, like she never listens to me. I do so much for her already, and I want to feel important and cared for too.” This does not make a man weaker. It makes him more dangerous in the best sense.
A man who can cut through his own lies and the lies of others, face his shadows, and stand present, in love. This is the kind of man who can defend what he believes in because he knows who he is and will not abandon himself for the sake of comfort anymore.
The path to a better world: Allies and brotherhood
Every myth reminds us that no hero's journey is alone. Odysseus had his crew, Arthur his knights, and Frodo his fellowship.
We, as men, are not designed to walk the path of transformation in isolation. For generations, initiation was held by elders, tribes, and rituals that marked the passage from boyhood to manhood. In modern society, those structures have largely vanished. Boys wander into adulthood without guidance, mistaking bravado for strength or collapsing into addiction and distraction under the weight of unprocessed wounds.
This is why men’s circles, mentorship, and brotherhood matter now more than ever. In the company of other men, masks fall away. We mirror one another’s depth and truth. We reveal our weak spots and discover we are not alone.
Brotherhood is not about conformity or unspoken rules. It is about recognition. It’s the deep knowing in our guts that “I am not alone in this journey.” That awareness changes everything.
What’s the voice that haunts you? The challenges everyone must face
Every life has obstacles. This is a quick attempt to address the fact that we will all face challenges along the way.
For modern men, they often appear as temptations of distraction, endless work, endless scrolling, endless escape into sports, alcohol, drugs, video games, or porn. Then there are threshold guardians, the inner voices that whisper negative ideas to us.
What the voices often say
Here are a few of my own that I’m sure many of you can relate to:
You’re not cut out for this.
Real men don’t talk about feelings.
You should be rich by now. Work harder.
If you show your pain, you’ll be abandoned.
No one would ever want to be with you.
What’s the point, the world is going to shit anyway, so why bother?
How to respond to the “little” voice
These voices are not meant to be obeyed. They are there to be questioned and tested. Passing through them builds strength.
When these inner voices arise, ask yourself:
Is this really true, or just another excuse? Hint? Look at your previous achievements.
Who could I talk to about my feelings? Find someone you trust, ask if they are available to listen, and share your thoughts.
Do I really believe this, or is this something I was taught? Look to your family and early programming for clues.
What’s the best and worst thing that could happen if I show my pain? Take a piece of paper and play out both sides. You’ll usually find that the worst case is pretty ridiculous.
Would I really want to date someone who’s not into me? Start noticing if you’re the one acting like others aren’t attracted to you, when it might simply be that you’re not attracted to them. Hint? Pay attention to the people who pay attention to you.
Where the rubber meets the road
The next step is often the scariest part, just do something, anything that will move you forward, even if it’s a tiny step, no matter how scary it is. Do your best to be 1% better today than yesterday.
For just one day, don’t give in to the addictions or voices. Here are a few examples of actions you can take that will break the cycle:
Pick up the phone instead of dealing with things alone.
Go outside and put your bare feet in the grass.
Pause and take one deep breath, then another.
Pick up a journal and get your thoughts down on paper.
Listen to your favourite song and sing it at the top of your lungs.
Drink a glass of water.
You’ll be surprised how quickly things begin to shift when you take these small steps.
Get ready for the next level: Returning with the treasure
The final stage of the journey is not conquest but return. This is where we bring back the treasure, the wisdom that heals not just ourselves but our communities.
For men today, that treasure is connection itself. It is the ability to stand in presence, to look a partner, child, or brother in the eye and say, “I am here. I see you. I will not hide.”
This is not sentimentality. It is a revolution in how we operate as men in a system that champions profits over people. Within a culture fractured by division, addicted to distraction, and starved of depth, a man grounded in presence becomes potent medicine.
He becomes the father who breaks generational cycles of malaise, trauma, and abuse. The partner who creates a sanctuary of trust at home and out in the world. The leader who guides through integrity rather than dominance.
The world does not need more men who perform strength. It needs men who embody it, men who can hold grief and sorrow in one hand and courage and joy in the other. Men who know that vulnerability is not weakness but the gateway to intimacy and authentic power. Allowing ourselves to be seen fully is the most courageous thing of all.
What can be done? A call to action
The Crisis of Connection is the dragon at our gates. But like every myth reminds us, the dragon also guards treasure. The question is not whether this crisis exists. The question is, will we answer the call to meet the challenge and slay the dragon?
Every man must choose for himself. To stay behind the mask, numbing the ache? Or to step across the threshold, descend into the underworld, and return with the sword of self-awareness and the gift of deep connection?
The Hero’s Journey is not reserved for ancient myths. It is unfolding right now, in the lives of modern men everywhere. And the elixir we bring back has the power to heal families, transform communities, and reshape culture itself.
The time is now. The call is here. Will you answer? If you just heard yourself say, “Yes!” I’d love to hear from you. Click here to book a free call and take the first step towards mastering your life.
Read more from Daryl Henderson
Daryl Henderson, Transformational Facilitator & Creative Visionary
Daryl Henderson is a master coach, facilitator, and artist with over two decades of experience blending creativity, men’s work, and spiritual practices. He has photographed top brands and artists worldwide, including Nike and Michael Kors, and documented indigenous and peace gatherings across the globe. Drawing on this experience, Daryl guides high performers, artists, and businesses to express their stories through soul-aligned photography, branding, and personal transformation. He is the co-founder of Odyssey of Man, the creator of True North Coaching, and the founder of One11, a health and wellness brand. His work is playful, transformative, and designed to unlock authentic expression.
References:
[1] Murthy, 2023
[2] CDC, 2023
