The Families I Work With and Why They All Want the Wrong Thing for Their Loved One in Crisis
- Brainz Magazine
- 6 hours ago
- 5 min read
For nearly 14 years, I've helped individuals navigate the complex landscape of addiction in order to achieve recovery. Nicknamed "The Casual Counselor", my approach is unconventional but undeniably effective.
I love working with family members of people who are struggling with substance abuse. Substance abuse doesn’t just affect the user; it has unbelievably detrimental effects on all the people who care for them, most notably their family members. Whether mom, dad, sister, brother, extended family members, or spouses, substance use disorders create so much chaos in the dynamics of those relationships, leaving a trail of wreckage that can be hard to clean up.
It begins with the client in crisis “cleaning up.” Whether they’re seeking abstinence or trying to use in a way that’s less dangerous and safer, they are at the center of it all. But they are surrounded by the ones who love them, and I’ve heard countless stories of sleepless nights, the terror of hearing the phone ring and being convinced it’s going to be “THE CALL,” the one where they find out their loved one has passed, or been arrested, or is at the end of some sort of severe disaster or consequence.
I once worked with a mom who had a bright idea. Her daughter, the one in crisis, living with an opioid use disorder, would often leave the family home for days at a time. She wasn’t telling her mom where she was going, who she was with, or what she was doing out there in the world. But Mom was no dummy. She knew that whatever her daughter was doing was dangerous, point-blank.
So, one day, she went online and bought a tracking device. She affixed it to the wheel well of her daughter’s car, and went on to describe to me that she would sit in her home office for hour upon hour, staring at a computer screen, the lights turned off, just watching this little icon on a map move from place to place. Sometimes, it would stop and park itself at a supermarket. But what the mom was hoping she would get wasn’t there to be gotten: answers. She wanted answers. It turns out, it only raised more questions.
Was her daughter buying something to eat at the market? Was she meeting up with a drug dealer? The daughter wasn’t dishing, and neither was the little blue icon on the map. She still didn’t know what was going on every time her daughter pulled out of the driveway. It took her literal months before she realized this, and she also realized that her own life was becoming unmanageable, as she obsessively watched the map that told her nothing but a story of where the car was parked.
She was blowing off her own responsibilities, ignoring her own self-care, canceling plans with friends, and not getting outside. Shit, not even getting out of that darkened room where she spent hour after hour, growing ever more anxious. As we continued our work together, things started to improve when she finally took my encouragement to throw the damn transponder away and instead focus on her own personal “recovery.” She continued to meet with me, went to family support groups, read books about how to properly support people who are actively using dangerous drugs in healthier ways, made time to spend with friends and other loved ones, exercised, and became a power of positive example to her daughter (and to others), and so on.
This is why they call “addiction” a “family disease.” It’s stories like these. I’ve worked with families who have purchased life insurance policies on their own young sons and daughters and have already hung what they plan to bury them in at the back of the closet. Parents who have spent countless dollars not just on professional treatment services, but also on private investigators, having their children (who are no longer kids) followed around. It all really amounts to a waste of time, money, and mental and emotional health when the person in crisis is not yet ready to commit to being well.
I see parents and spouses who work so much harder at trying to facilitate the recovery of their loved one than their loved one does, and that is absolutely draining. It leads to depression, anxiety, burnout, hopelessness, helplessness, and anguish. It’s heartbreaking to witness.
But I always ask them, right off the bat, at the beginning of our work together, a simple question:
“What is it that you want for your loved one?”
And every single one of them, 100%, 10 out of 10, always replies earnestly with this answer:
“I just want them to be happy.”
They sometimes gasp when they hear my reply. I tell them, “Fuck happy. That’s exactly what you shouldn’t want for them right now.”
Because the truth is this: for the active substance abuser, the only conception they have of “happiness” is intrinsically linked to their drug of choice. They have pleasure and happiness confused, but “happy” to them comes in the form of a potion, a pill, a powder, or a pipe. All the time, every time. What’s also true is this: in this adult life, with all of its tasks, errands, stressors, and responsibilities, there are going to be long periods of time, for all of us, not just those who take drugs, where happiness is hard to acquire.
What those parents and spouses really want for their loved one in crisis, whether they realize it or not, is “healthy.” They want them to be healthy. When we’re healthy, we are able to weather the storm of the periods in this life where happiness just can’t be found. When we’re healthy, when happiness does make its appearance, we can really relish it. When we’re healthy, we can deal with the tasks, the errands, the stressors, and the pressures of this adult life in healthy ways.
People who are happy all the time? They’re often locked up in institutions, the places where you need a special key card to unlock the doors.
As the parent or spouse of a loved one in crisis, the ultimate goal, as strange as it might sound, is to step back so that the person in crisis can step forward to empower themselves. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t, but what’s always true is that when we step back, we send the message to them that we believe that if they truly want to get better, they’re more than capable of doing it in their own way, on their own timeline, based on their own preferences, and without feeling like someone is trying to delegate, control, or micromanage how they’re going to find their healthier self.
So, fuck happy. Chase after that which is healthy. Do it for yourself first and foremost, and then hope that your loved one sees that when people take action to create a healthier lifestyle for themselves, they tend to have healthier outcomes.
Happy comes, and happy goes. Sadness comes, and sadness goes. It’s true with any feeling we experience in this life. Like waves in the ocean, they move in, grow, crest, break, and pull back, always to be replaced with whatever feeling is coming next. It is the healthy individual who can surf those waves without getting knocked off their board and sucked underneath the undertow of danger or disaster.
Read more from Joshua Bennett-Johnson
Joshua Bennett-Johnson, Licensed Addictions Therapist
After working for 7 years in an amazing clinic, I launched into private practice in 2018. I love my job. I can say that without reservation. Watching people rebuild their lives is something that is worth more than any dollar amount.
