The Exhausting Game of Trying to Control How People See You
- 21 hours ago
- 5 min read
Bronwen Sciortino is an International Author and Simplicity Expert who spent almost two decades as an award-winning executive before experiencing a life-changing event that forced her to stop and ask the question, ‘What if there’s a better way to live?
One of the most exhausting things about being human is how much time we spend trying to manage how other people see us. We do it without even realising. We rewrite messages before sending them, rehearse conversations in the shower, and think about how we came across in a meeting three hours after it finished. We try not to look too emotional, too difficult, too needy, too far behind, or, especially, too much.
A lot of people walk around holding up a façade that says, “I’ve got it all together,” but most of us really don’t. The strange part is that, no matter how carefully we try to manage ourselves, people will still see us through the lens of their own experiences, beliefs, insecurities, and assumptions. This means many of us are exhausting ourselves trying to control something that was never really ours to control in the first place.
We learn early that being well-perceived feels safe
It’s not like we wake up one day and suddenly decide to care what other people think of us. We learned it. Somewhere along the way, we worked out that being liked, praised, agreeable, capable, or easy to deal with created positive outcomes.
Maybe we were celebrated for being “the good kid.” Maybe we learned to stay quiet to avoid conflict. Maybe we discovered that appearing strong, successful, or unaffected earned respect and approval. So, we adapted and became versions of ourselves that felt safer to present to the world.
The problem is that when you spend enough years being rewarded for how well you are perceived, it becomes very easy to lose sight of who you actually are underneath all of the performance. This is especially true for high-performing people, who are often praised for being reliable, composed, and capable long before anyone asks whether they are happy, rested, or OK.
The need to look like you have it together is quietly exhausting people
There is a huge difference between looking like you are coping and actually coping. Unfortunately, so many of us have become experts at the former. We push through when we are exhausted, smile when we are overwhelmed, and say, “I’m fine,” because explaining the truth feels too hard. We tell ourselves we just need to hold it together a little longer. Get through this week. Finish this project. Keep everyone else comfortable.
While this affects almost everyone at some point, high-performing people often carry an extra layer of pressure around being perceived as capable. They become the reliable ones. The calm one. The one who can handle it. The one people depend on.
Over time, that identity can become incredibly heavy to carry because the moment you feel like you are no longer allowed to fall apart, rest, ask for help, or not know the answer, you stop being a person and start becoming a performance.
Overthinking is often reputation management in disguise
One of the biggest misconceptions about overthinking is the assumption that it comes from being disorganised, anxious, or emotionally fragile. But a lot of the time, overthinking is actually an attempt to manage perception.
We replay conversations because we are worried that what we said sounded stupid. We obsess over emails because we don’t want to be perceived as difficult. We overanalyse decisions because we are trying to avoid judgement, rejection, or criticism.
Even the constant need to explain ourselves can come from wanting to make sure we are still seen as good, reasonable, or worthy.
When you really look at it, a lot of overthinking is not about the situation itself. It’s about trying to control how we will be viewed within the situation. That’s exhausting because the human mind was never designed to carry the weight of constantly trying to predict, manage, and protect its reputation, especially when so much of it sits completely outside our control anyway.
Some people will misunderstand you no matter what you do
This is the part most people struggle with because we like to believe that if we explain ourselves properly, work hard enough, stay kind enough, or present ourselves carefully enough, we can control how other people experience us.
But people are going to do what people are going to do. Some people will misunderstand you, some will project their own insecurities onto you, and others will decide who you are based on one conversation, one moment, or one version of you they have created in their own minds.
The uncomfortable truth is that you have far less control over that than you think you do. The moment you really understand this can feel equal parts confronting and freeing.
It is confronting because you can suddenly feel how much energy you have spent trying to manage something impossible. It is freeing because you begin to understand that you don’t need to keep performing, proving, and polishing yourself for every room you walk into. If people are going to interpret you through the lens they choose anyway, there comes a point when protecting your peace becomes more important than protecting your image.
Freedom begins the moment you stop performing for acceptance
For most people, there comes a moment when they realise they can no longer keep carrying the weight of trying to be everything to everyone. For some, it happens after burnout, heartbreak, illness, or loss. For others, it arrives more quietly through exhaustion, resentment, or the slow realisation that they no longer recognise themselves underneath all of the performance.
Often, that is where real freedom begins. Not in becoming careless about other people, but in becoming less dependent on their approval to feel secure in yourself.
There is something incredibly peaceful about no longer needing to explain every decision, defend every boundary, or convince people to see your heart correctly. You stop wasting energy trying to control perception and start putting that energy into actually living your life. Into resting when you are tired. Into speaking more honestly. Into letting people misunderstand you without feeling the need to chase them for clarity. Into trusting that the people who are meant for you will experience you beyond the surface anyway.
In the end, the goal was never to become perfectly perceived. The goal was to become free enough to be fully yourself without constantly needing the room to approve first.
Bronwen Sciortino is a Simplicity Expert, Professional Speaker, and internationally renowned author. You can follow her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn.
Read more from Bronwen Sciortino
Bronwen Sciortino, International Author & Simplicity Expert
Bronwen Sciortino is an International Author and Simplicity Expert who spent almost two decades as an award-winning executive before experiencing a life-changing event that forced her to stop and ask the question, ‘What if there’s a better way to live?’ Embarking on a journey to answer this question, Bronwen developed a whole new way of living, one that teaches you to challenge the status quo and include the power of questions in everyday life. Gaining international critical acclaim and 5-star awards for her books and online programs. Bronwen spends every day teaching people that there is an easy, practical, and simple pathway to creating a healthy, happy, and highly successful life. Sourced globally for media comment as an expert and working with corporate programs, conference platforms, retreats, professional mentoring, and in the online environment, Bronwen teaches people how easy it is to live life very differently.
