The Cup with a Hole – Why Narcissists Crave Constant External Approval
Dr. Stephanie Norris is the founder of Healing Pathways Collective, LLC, a mental health practice located in Centennial and Littleton, Colorado. She is an experienced forensic therapist specializing in evaluation and intervention for separating and divorcing families, as well as adults, children, and families facing conflict and major life transitions.
Individuals with narcissism have a severe pathological need for validation. What is validation? Validation is connected to our self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. Self-esteem refers to our overall sense of self-worth. We either feel good or bad. For example, we either look at ourselves in the mirror and think, “I look really good today,” or “I can’t believe how big my hips are, how small my arms are, or how big my stomach is.” Our self-worth tells us that we are something, someone, that we have something to offer the world and others. We possess and give value to others from our self-worth. Self-efficacy is our belief in our abilities. For example, our work performance. However, narcissists’ self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy are extremely vulnerable and lacking.
I like to describe validation in this way. I always tell my clients to imagine a cup as I point to my stomach area. For a non-personality-disordered individual, this cup is typically 75 percent full. We fill our cup with our job performance, relationships, support system, exercise, love we give to others, love we receive from others, financial security, hobbies, and so on. Usually, our cup maintains a certain level of validation both externally and internally. Internally, we fill our cup with our self-esteem, self-worth, the value we give to others and they give to us through our relationship with them, and our self-efficacy.
A narcissist’s cup has a hole in the bottom of it. As a result, no amount of validation, either externally or internally, will ever be enough for them. Oftentimes, a narcissist is looking for external stimuli to fill their cup. Remember, a narcissist has very little self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. Therefore, their validation-seeking is always going to be external. For example, a narcissist may enter the room in a grandiose manner. They walk in, all dressed up, and just stand in one place for about three minutes. They are looking for someone to complement them. Another example is that they may put on a new outfit and then “pretend” to pull their new shirt down while looking to the side with a coy smile. Again, they are looking for a compliment from someone.
They may also talk about their job, specifically their accomplishments. For example, they will list their resume to others. They will intentionally ask someone new what they do so they can talk about themselves. Often, they will tout their title, “I am a vice president,” “My team is so expansive,” or “This company is so lucky to have me.” They may also exert their power by addressing an issue with their boss/team, often one they created (more on this in the chapter on drama creation), and then talk about how they fixed the issue in an arrogant manner.
For example, I had a client who reported a series of events involving another peer who was not performing to my client’s standards, not the company’s. This client proceeded to go directly to the employee and address what he thought the person was doing wrong. When he did not receive the validation, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention, you are so right,” he went to the boss. This client addressed his concerns with the boss and then received validation. When my client was relaying the story, he talked about how lucky the company was to have him, how grateful he was that his boss took him seriously, and how his boss asked him to keep an eye on this peer for him. My client received external validation. As a result, he reported that he should be in charge and that the company would fall apart if he left. Then, he took it a step further and talked about how he should look for another job because the company is so dysfunctional. This reaction is common in narcissists because they need to receive external validation from everyone they encounter. When they don’t, they identify a target.
Let’s go back to the cup. Remember, a narcissist’s cup has a hole in it. There is no amount of validation you can provide that will fill this hole.
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Dr. Stephanie Norris, Psych Candidate, LPC, LAC
Dr. Stephanie Norris earned a PhD in Clinical Psychology, specializing in Forensic Psychology. She has conducted many parenting evaluations and testified as an expert in parenting disputes and related cases on numerous occasions in several Colorado counties. She consults with parents, attorneys, and mental health professionals on complex family law matters and has presented at professional conferences. She also served as adjunct faculty at the University of Denver, providing teaching and clinical supervision. Dr. Norris is a psychologist candidate, licensed professional counselor, and licensed addiction counselor. She uses an integrative and goal-focused treatment approach, collaboratively setting goals after a thorough assessment.
