Should You Involve Your Child in Euthanasia? A Guide for Parents
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 14
- 6 min read
Leoniek van der Maarel is a Dutch psychologist, grief expert, author, and trainer with a clear and powerful mission. "Creating a world where grief is no longer a silent struggle, but a supported path forward."
When a loved one chooses euthanasia, parents face one of the most difficult questions, "Should we involve our children in this process?" It's a question filled with uncertainty, fear, and love. As someone who has worked with grieving families for over twenty-five years, I want to take you through this sensitive topic with honesty and care.
Imagine not being there when your father dies
"Where were you when Daddy died?" I asked Timo. "I was playing at my friend's house." "Did you know Daddy was going to die while you were at your friend's place?" With his head slightly down, a soft 'yes' comes out.
I then imagine how that must have been. Timo is playing at his friend's house. What would he have been thinking about while he was playing there? Could he lose himself in the game, or was he picturing what was happening at home? Then I think about how it must have been when he went back home. The door opens, and inside, he finds all these very sad people.
This is not an isolated story. Imagine being in that position as parents. Euthanasia is going to take place, "What is wise for my child?"
Why involving children can be helpful for their grieving process
I get this question regularly, not only from parents but also from care professionals. It's a question and topic full of uncertainties, sensitivities, and emotions. What I see time and again in my work with loss in young people is that they are much stronger and more resilient than we often think. Involving them in this process helps with their grieving.
It's understandable that parents hesitate to involve their children in such an intense situation. The question of whether you can involve your child in euthanasia is very personal. But even if children are not physically present at the euthanasia itself, they can certainly be involved in the process.
The power of honest communication
This can start with giving a clear, honest explanation about what euthanasia means, what will happen, and why it is necessary. This prevents confusion and offers space for children to understand what is happening in their family environment. Without this information, children create their own stories, and those stories are often more frightening than reality.
How to involve a child in euthanasia: Practical steps
How can you involve a child? What can you recommend to parents if they decide to have their child be there? Let me walk you through the essential steps, based on what I've seen work in practice.
Give an honest, age-appropriate explanation
First of all, it's important to give an honest, obviously child-friendly explanation. Tell them what euthanasia is, what will happen, and who is involved in the process. Use simple, clear language. Avoid euphemisms like "going to sleep forever," as this can create confusion and fear around normal sleep. Often, doctors can help with finding the right explanation.
Address the finality clearly
It's also important to tell them that there really is no treatment left that can help. Too often, I hear from children that they think, "But what if next week a new medicine comes on the market?" Children need to understand that this decision comes after all other options have been explored. This prevents them from carrying false hope or later guilt.
Prepare them for what they will see and hear
Prepare children for what they can expect. "Daddy will get an anesthetic that will make him fall asleep, then there will be a second injection that will make his heart stop." (Always make sure parents check this with the doctor, or ask the doctor to explain it).
Be specific. Will there be medical equipment? Will Daddy look different? Will there be sounds? Children can handle the truth much better than we think, but they cannot handle the unknown.
Have a support person available
What I also often advise parents is to have someone in the house who is not necessarily present at the euthanasia but is somewhere in the house to support or catch the child, should they suddenly want to leave the room. This prevents a parent from having to run after the child or be occupied with the child while, at that moment, the loved one is dying.
This person should be someone the child knows and trusts. Brief them beforehand about what to expect and how to respond if the child needs to leave.
Give them the choice, but guide them carefully
If possible, it can be valuable to give children the space to choose for themselves whether they want to be there. This can be complicated because children don't know what they're choosing and tune into the tension they feel from the person asking. It helps to not make the conversation heavy or too serious, but to explain it as calmly as possible so the child feels safe in making the choice.
Let them know they can change their mind. They can be there for part of the time. They can say goodbye beforehand. There is no right or wrong choice, only what feels right for them.
What children actually experience when attending euthanasia
Although the decision to physically involve a child in euthanasia or not is heavy, it can, when well guided, contribute to a greater sense of connection and better processing of the loss. I have not yet experienced children having bad experiences after attending a euthanasia in my practice. Often, adults who were there say that it was actually a beautiful and peaceful moment to say goodbye together.
The difference between what we fear and what happens
What strikes me most is the gap between what parents fear will happen and what actually happens. Parents worry their child will be traumatized. In reality, when children are prepared, supported, and given a choice, they often experience the moment as meaningful. They see that daddy is no longer in pain. They feel included in something important. They have a clear memory instead of a frightening fantasy. And it is always good to remember, should there be bad memories, there are therapies to deal with that, there are no therapies to undo what you have not done.
Creating a memory instead of a mystery
When children are excluded, they create their own narrative. And that narrative is often filled with more fear, guilt, and confusion than the reality would have been. They imagine the worst. They feel left out. They wonder if they weren't important enough to be there. These are the seeds of complicated grief.
The key elements: Preparation, communication, and attunement
When it comes to involving children, it's all about careful preparation, honest communication, and especially tuning into what feels right for the child. The parent obviously has the choice. Involving a child also gives the child the feeling that they are an important part of this process.
This is not about what we think children should be able to handle. It's about recognizing that children are part of the family system, and significant losses impact that entire system. Excluding them doesn't protect them, it isolates them.
What grief teaches us about inclusion
In my years of working with bereaved families, I've learned that children who were included in the dying process, in age-appropriate ways, generally have fewer complications in their grief. They have concrete memories. They said their goodbyes. They felt treated as important members of the family. They weren't left alone with their imagination.
This doesn't mean every child needs to be in the room at the moment of death. But it does mean they deserve honesty, preparation, choice, and the message that they matter.
Need guidance for your specific situation in grief?
Every family is unique. Every child is different. What works for one family might not work for another. If you're facing this decision and need support in thinking through what's right for your child and your family, I'm here to help.
As a grief therapist specializing in loss, I offer guidance to parents and professionals navigating these incredibly difficult waters. Sometimes you just need someone who understands, who has walked this path with other families, to help you think it through.
Feel free to reach out if you'd like to talk about your specific situation. You don't have to figure this out alone.
Read more from Leoniek van der Maarel
Leoniek van der Maarel, Academie voor Verlies/Grief Training Centre
With over 25 years of experience and a deeply personal connection to her work, Leoniek has become one of the leading voices in the field of loss and transition. Her approach is grounded in the understanding that grief does not always begin with death, and healing is never one-size-fits-all. Her career is defined by one central truth, grief is everywhere. In the aftermath of a death, a divorce, a broken family bond, or a lost dream, it weaves itself through human lives in ways both visible and silent. And yet, society still often asks us to "move on" too quickly, or without the right support. Leoniek’s life's work is to change that.
