Rebuilding Connection and Healing Relationships – Exclusive Interview with Hendrien van der Bijl
- Brainz Magazine
- 5 hours ago
- 6 min read
Hendrien is an Imago Relationship Therapist and the founder of Start Right, where she helps couples move from disconnection and confusion to clarity, compassion, and deeper intimacy. As a young mom of two, she understands firsthand how partnership can be tested by the demands of everyday life, parenting, fatigue, emotional load, and the echoes of one’s own upbringing. She knows how easy it is for couples to feel overwhelmed, stuck in old patterns, or unsure how to reach each other when life gets heavy.
Hendrien van der Bijl, Imago Relationship Therapist
Who is Hendrien van der Bijl? Introduce yourself, your passions, the stories that shaped you, and what you’re like at home and in your work.
I’m a thirty-something millennial mom who married her school crush, and we’ve been together for 14 years. I’ve always been someone who “feels” deeply. Even as a child, I noticed unspoken emotions long before anyone said a word. I could sense when someone needed comfort or was silently struggling, and I would instinctively step in to help. That hasn’t changed. I still love and care wholeheartedly, and I want people to feel valued, seen, and heard. This work allows me to do exactly that.
In my own relationship, I’ve learned that even when you love someone deeply, partnership will still challenge you in every possible way. Working through those challenges with my husband has been one of the most meaningful parts of my life. Becoming a mother added a whole new dimension; suddenly, I’m navigating work–life balance while also facing my own growth in real time, right alongside my children.
At home, I’m a mix of baking, dancing, and chaos management. At work I’m grounded, present, and fully committed to helping couples heal and reconnect in ways that feel real and sustainable.
What inspired you to create Start Right Stay Right and focus on helping couples build stronger relationships?
My desire to help people was always there. Even as a child, I remember watching movies where couples who clearly loved each other couldn’t find their way back, and the only option left was separation. I felt this ache inside me, thinking, “If only they had the right support, this wouldn’t have to be the ending.” I also saw how sometimes the support they reached for made things worse instead of better.
I wanted to become the kind of therapist I wished those couples had. Start Right Stay Right was built on the belief that you shouldn’t have to go through years of pain before learning how to do relationships well. Why wait until everything is falling apart when you can learn how to start right from the beginning?
But through my work, I also realized that people often seek help only once they are already in a crisis. Either way, whether at the beginning or in the middle of the storm, my mission stayed the same, to teach couples what they were never taught, so they don’t have to lose something they truly value.
What core problems do couples usually face before coming to you for help?
Most couples come in feeling disconnected and emotionally numb. They’ve drifted apart slowly, sometimes without noticing, until they reach what I call the “invisible divorce”, living together, functioning together, but no longer feeling together.
And in the most painful cases, an affair becomes the breaking point.
Life gets busy, survival mode kicks in, and everything becomes about getting through the day instead of living. When you stop nurturing the relationship, you stop feeling alive in it. That’s usually when they reach out.
How does your approach, including Imago principles, differ from traditional relationship coaching or therapy?
Honestly, Imago is unlike anything I’ve ever worked with. Throughout my training and my own personal healing journey, I explored many different approaches. I learned from them all, but I always found myself thinking, “Imago just goes deeper. It works better. It makes more sense.”Imago brings structure into places that feel chaotic. It turns emotional danger into emotional safety. It transforms blame into curiosity, defensiveness into empathy, and reactivity into understanding. It helps couples see the whole picture, the patterns of today, the influence of childhood, the unconscious forces shaping their reactions, and the possibility of genuine change.
Most importantly, it teaches skills that couples can continue using long after therapy is over. It’s practical, holistic, and deeply transformative. It brings people back to life, back to connection.
What results can clients expect when they commit to your process?
They can expect deep, lasting connection. They can expect simple, practical tools that make relationship-building easier, not harder. They often rediscover laughter, playfulness, and a sense of being truly alive again. They feel seen, heard, appreciated, and understood in ways they may never have experienced before. They gain a new understanding of themselves and their partner, one that changes how they show up everywhere, not just at home.
And yes, their whole lives shift. Because when your relationship heals, everything else begins to align too.
What are the most common communication mistakes that cause conflict in relationships?
The biggest mistake is not having the tools to restore emotional safety. When safety is missing, everything feels like an attack, even when it isn’t meant that way. That leads to reactive responses, defensiveness, and two people walking away feeling unheard and misunderstood. We listen to reply. We listen to agree. We talk to convince, to defend, to prove, to accuse. Once couples learn to shift from reaction to curiosity, everything changes. Both partners get what they need, and the conversation becomes productive instead of painful.
How do you support couples in rebuilding trust and emotional connection?
By addressing the core, not just the symptoms.
Most people focus on the conflict they see, not the pain that lives underneath. But you can’t heal what you don’t understand. I help couples become aware of the unconscious patterns driving their reactions, and once that awareness is there, change happens surprisingly quickly.
Many people come in saying, “It will never work,” “He’ll never open up,” “I’ll never trust again.” What I hear is: “We don’t yet have the tools to change this.”Because with the right tools, “It will never” becomes “We’re ready to try.”
What practical tools or methods do you teach that couples can start using immediately?
I teach the tools people never knew they needed:
The power of presence
The importance of pausing
Curiosity over assumptions
Appreciation that softens defensiveness
Listening that calms the nervous system
Speaking from emotion instead of blame
Creating emotional safety so real vulnerability becomes possible
These aren’t just theories, we practice them in real time, and couples often feel a shift in the very first session.
Who is the ideal client for your services, and how do you help them move from struggle to stability?
My ideal clients are couples who are trying so hard but still feel disconnected. They’re loving parents, hardworking people, supportive to everyone around them, but at the end of the day, they feel empty, distant, and lonely in their relationship.
They miss laughing together. They miss feeling alive. They miss the connection they once had but don’t know how to get back. These couples know life has more to offer, they just need guidance, structure, and new tools. I help them move from surviving to living, from numbness to aliveness, from confusion to clarity.
Can you share a success story that illustrates the transformation couples experience after working with you?
There are so many stories, and my reviews say a lot, but the ones that move me most are the couples who come in saying, “This is our last hope.”Some are already living apart, sleeping in different rooms, or waiting to sign divorce papers. After three days together in an intensive, they leave smiling, holding hands, looking like two people who just fell in love again. I’ve seen it happen over and over.
I’ve worked with couples just starting out who want to break their generational patterns so they don’t repeat their parents’ mistakes, and they leave with tools for life.
I’ve worked with couples married 40+ years who had been emotionally disconnected for decades, staying together only for the kids. They left looking like two mischievous teenagers rediscovering each other.
I’ve worked with young parents recovering from an affair, hurt, scared, overwhelmed, and they left with understanding, empathy, and real hope.
Imago works. I see it every day.
How can couples get in touch with you, and what is the first step they should take to start their journey with Start Right Stay Right?
I offer a variety of ways to start:
Follow me on social media for free guidance and education
Download one of my practical relationship guides to try tools at home
Book a free intro session so I can understand where you are and what you need
Schedule a 2-hour first session for a complete overview of the work we’ll do together
But my most powerful and transformative offering is the 3-day intensive.
It changes relationships from the inside out.
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