Motherhood as The Second Adolescence No One Warns You About
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
Written by Kelsey Irving, Licensed Clinical Therapist
Kelsey Irving is a licensed therapist and recognized specialist in OCD and anxiety disorders. She is the founder of Steadfast Psychology Group and author of the children’s book Jacob and the Cloud.
When we think of adolescence, we picture awkward growth spurts, changing hormones, emotional ups and downs, and the exhausting question, "Who am I now?" Most of us assume we leave that chapter behind sometime after high school. Then we become mothers.
While motherhood is often described as a transition, it may be more accurate to think of it as a second adolescence, a profound developmental stage that reshapes us physically, emotionally, socially, and psychologically. In fact, psychologists have a name for this transformation, matrescence. Much like adolescence, matrescence is the developmental process of becoming. It isn't simply about having a baby. It's about the profound changes that occur as a woman grows into motherhood.
Like adolescence, this season asks us to adapt to a changing body, shifting hormones, evolving relationships, and an entirely new sense of self. Just like our teenage years, motherhood often expects us to figure it all out while we're still in the middle of becoming.
The physical changes are impossible to ignore. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and shifting hormones can leave many women feeling disconnected from the body they once knew. Even years after giving birth, many mothers find themselves adjusting to a body that functions, looks, and feels different from before. But the changes don't stop there.
Research has increasingly recognized that motherhood creates significant changes in the brain and nervous system. Mothers become more attuned to their children, more vigilant, and often more emotionally responsive. While these adaptations help us care for our families, they can also leave us wondering why we no longer feel like the person we used to be.
Perhaps that's because, in many ways, we aren't. Just as adolescence requires us to develop a new identity, motherhood does too. Before becoming a mother, you may have known exactly how to describe yourself. You had routines, interests, relationships, goals, and a clear sense of where you fit in the world. Then suddenly, "Mom" becomes one of the most important roles you'll ever have, and it can overshadow everything else.
Who am I besides someone's mother? What do I enjoy now? Where do I belong? These questions are surprisingly common, yet many women feel guilty for asking them.
Socially, motherhood can feel remarkably similar to middle school. There are new groups to navigate, mom friends to connect with, school communities to enter, and endless opportunities to compare yourself to others. You may find yourself wondering if you're doing enough, fitting in, or measuring up. Some friendships deepen, while others drift away. New connections form, but they don't always happen as naturally as we'd hope.
It's no wonder so many mothers feel untethered during this season. The good news? We've been here before. Every one of us has survived an identity transformation. We have all lived through a period of uncertainty, growth, and becoming. Adolescence wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't supposed to be. It was a bridge between who we were and who we were becoming.
Motherhood is much the same. The uncertainty doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. The questions don't mean you're lost. The growing pains aren't evidence that you've failed to adapt. They are signs that you are in the middle of a developmental process. You are becoming. Just as the teenager you once were eventually found her footing, this version of you will too.
One day, you'll look back and realize that you weren't losing yourself in motherhood at all. You were building a new identity, one that includes your children but is not limited to them. One that honors who you were while making room for who you're becoming.
Motherhood may feel like a second adolescence, but that's not a sign that you're falling apart. It's a sign that you're growing.
Read more from Kelsey Irving
Kelsey Irving, Licensed Clinical Therapist
Kelsey Irving is a licensed therapist specializing in the treatment of adults with OCD and anxiety disorders. Inspired by a close family member’s diagnosis and the widespread misunderstanding of OCD, she became deeply committed to providing informed, compassionate, and effective care. Kelsey serves individuals through her private practice, Steadfast Psychology Group, and extends her impact through her children’s book, Jacob and the Cloud.
