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If I Only Knew

Written by: Samantha Leske, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

It is that old saying, "If only I knew then what I know now."

As I have grown, my life has been filled with so many lessons. Many I have chosen to go a long way around, making sure the understanding is complete!

Growing up, I had the perfect childhood to create my journey as a wounded healer. I remember having visions as a teenager where I was in a man's body, and I had shot another. We were in a duel. It was set back in the old days — horse and carriage, big dresses, and the local saloon to help you draw a picture. I am shown myself being carted off to goal.

I had no reference point for this or what it meant. It was just a vision that I was able to see, with nothing before or after it. I also had no clear-cut belief around spirituality or past lives. I was raised as a catholic, and it was just my inner knowing that this vision I was seeing was me. I knew that I was the man that had shot another. I rationalized it to be my karma for the experience I was having now in this life. I was living a form of hell, and I could not explain otherwise.

It wasn’t until much later, around 15 years later, that I started to have some context and a greater understanding of what it meant, that vision all of those years ago, how it fits in, and what my divine purpose on this earth was. I was birthed into trauma, and trauma was the catalyst for my great awakening. This is the story for many of us. We are raised in what we think are normal families until we leave them and discover piece by piece the true dysfunction levels that really existed when we were growing up. This is the first choice we are truly given — take responsibility for your healing, create a different experience, or continue with the same patterns, making the best of what you have and placing bandages over the dysfunction.

I am proud to be a part of the generation that has declared, "This dysfunction will stop with me." We are busily working on ourselves while doing everything in our power to prevent a single line of the trauma we experienced running down to our children. As a society, we have seen firsthand how trauma runs in families. It’s well documented that when a traumatic event occurs, it takes 3 generations to heal it. The wayshowers of our generation are doing our best to smash through this.

We dive deep, over and over, declaring we will be the last to be affected by the trauma from our ancestors. The work is relentless and also a huge blessing. Freeing all involved and allowing those who are ready to claim their sovereignty to do so.

Few things I wish I had known earlier.

Healing is possible. It doesn’t matter how deep it is. It is possible with the right support team around you to heal and live the life you dream of. It will take hard work, dedication, and a leap of faith but the rewards and personal freedom are worth it.

Not having contact with an abusive family or family member is very okay. You being safe is the most important thing. You can only ever take responsibility for yourself, your thoughts, actions, feelings, and experiences. Know that doing your work is still important, and it will move mountains. Even without contact, you are freeing the familial lines on either side of you by becoming well and healing your personal trauma. Remember, hurt people hurt people. The trauma you experienced — without justifying it — was inflicted by a hurt/traumatized person. All it takes is one courageous person to heal themselves for the chain to break. You, your effort, the personal work you are doing are making a huge difference.

Allow people to show you who they are, and respect yourself enough to believe them. People will always show us who they are, what their morals are, how they feel about you, what their personal integrity is — believe them. Let go of thinking you know better, or if you just help them with x, they will make a better choice. It is not our right or responsibility to change people. We must accept them as they are.

Judgment and shame are some of the biggest blocks we will face. When I look at various parts within a community, the single biggest trap to keeping people stuck and cycling over within an experience are judgment and shame. It keeps you feeling less than. "I couldn’t possibly share this experience because I will be judged." This prevents the person involved from speaking up and seeking the support they require to move past the situation they are stuck in. We very much live in a culture where projection is the norm, placing more value on another's opinion than on our own. All of the "shoulds" You should be doing this; you should be doing that. When we understand that we are all here having a soul's journey, where we are here to learn, it releases the pressure. We are meant to make mistakes, and in this human life, it is impossible not to make mistakes. This is how we grow, this is how we learn, how our mental and emotional intelligence grows.

I hold a strong belief now that as I encounter people and their situations, if I can't help or it isn’t appropriate to offer the help, I won’t judge them. I will step aside and allow space for another who is better suited to help them. I am in ego if I am judging or shaming another. Similarly, I won’t allow others to judge or shame me for my experiences. I now know this is the most unhelpful thing, and it comes from unhealed hearts. Oh, how I wish I knew this years ago!

Know that everyone has something. Each soul has had its own challenging situations and circumstances to overcome. It doesn’t matter if you were born into money, what education you had, a single-parent household, or both parents present, or what part of the world you grew up in, or the hundred other variables that gift our different experiences and viewpoints. Everyone has something they are working through, everyone. So do your best to be kind. You have no idea what another has come from or is going through.

Understanding knowing me, who I really am, and the importance of self-love is the next thing I wish I had known about. It took many experiences, many of which involved me falling straight on my face to learn who I am and how I am wired. It wasn't until I was around 36 that I discovered self-love. What I know now is that love is the key to lots of things. Giving it freely with your heart wide open and feeling safe enough to receive it. Choosing to be kind to me in every sacred choice I am offered. Love is what we are at our soul essence, and regardless of our experiences, we are made of and making our way back. This is part of all of our journeys. Learning to love yourself is of great importance. Self-love helps us know our worth, to know we are worthy of being treated well, worthy of loving ourselves while we have all of the experiences we have had and will have in the future. Self-love helps us set healthy boundaries and to meet our needs.

Growing up, boundaries was something I was not allowed to have. Saying no was punishable, and saying yes was expected regardless of if I actually wanted to. Freedom of choice was not allowed.

Boundaries are important. They keep us safe. However, we need to feel safe setting them and then asserting them. Saying no is a skill set, as is only saying yes when we want to. If this is something that rings true for you, it’s well worth doing the workaround until these things are comfortable. You are worthy of feeling comfortable in this skill set.

For those who have not been gifted the opportunity and have started working on it know that it is a process. Your body may have a very specific response each time a situation arises. A boundary needs to be set and verbalized. It may also take some time to get what you feel is an appropriate response out verbally. Sometimes, you may be too light. Other times you may be too harsh in your response — it takes practice, and the kindest thing you can do is be real with the person you are having this experience with (if it is appropriate) and loving yourself through the situation. Putting yourself down because you didn’t get it right only hurts you. Love yourself and promise to keep working on it. It does get easier, I promise.

Responsibility for self. This bad boy is so huge and important. It is key to everything. You have chosen who you are, where you were born, the family you birthed into. I was so mad when I was told this! My reaction was literally, "As if I would do that to myself?!" but I did. Later, down the track, I got to see why I had, what contracts were behind it, etc.

Every experience around us is something we have to take responsibility for. It is not just in this 3D world of having to take responsibility for our bills, children we have, pets we own, family obligations, relationships we engage in, etc. It comes to a deeper level of knowing — why are we energetically attracted and wanting to have a relationship with this person, what energy was present for us to be employed at this particular place, what beliefs do we have running that has helped to create this.

Our childhood programming creates much of our early energetic wiring. While we were at the mercy of the adults raising us, adults are responsible for the energy we hold within us and the experiences we create. If it is in our reality, there is something there for us. Not always about us being on the receiving end, sometimes we are the teachers, and we may be contracted to be playing a role. However, we have a responsibility for the integrity and the energy we bring to all situations, any reactions we may have, and the level of kindness, authenticity, and love we can contribute.

The final thing I wish I knew was that people’s reactions to you are a reaction to what they have running through their heads. Their beliefs, thoughts, and experiences. It doesn’t make them right and you wrong. They are just working with a set of glasses and instructions, and you can’t see through. You have an individual experience, and you have your own soul's guidance to follow. You don’t know the level of work they have done on their own emotional maturity. They may still be reacting from a place of their own trauma or have engaged in many years or personal work.

Don’t allow another's opinions, projections, expectations, beliefs to prevent you from following your own intuition. You are a divine soul with a unique mission. Your skillset is individual, and it deserves respect to be discovered and nourished. We are here to help one of 3 things on this Earth — the people, the animals, or the Earth itself. We have a responsibility to discover where we fit into this and what our skill set is for. Who are we here to serve?

This can often mean that situations, places, and people will change in your life to allow you to discover it and allow it to blossom and grow. Get curious. Until I had my awakening, I had always known I was here for something, but I just had no idea what. When I started to discover that I was a healer at my core, I knew why nothing else had ever felt right. For the first time in my life, I felt that I had a purpose. The more I connect to this, the more I connect to me, the deeper my skill set grows. We all deserve to feel connected to ourselves and our true calling on this earth.

For more info, follow me on Facebook, Instagram and visit my website!

Samantha Leske, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Samantha Leske is a Spiritual Healer, and the CEO of Nurture you, Heal you.

She specializes in trauma/ shadow work and teaching women how to love themselves unconditionally. After working in the industry for over 12 years, she has a varied skill set that allows the healings she offers, to incorporate all levels of a souls journey from this life to past and birthing timelines.

Samantha has recently become a best selling author on Amazon from her contribution to the multi author book "Intuitive, knowing her truth"

Her goals in life are to live a quiet rural life with her children and animals, while engaging in her soul led mission - to help as many people awaken and heal. Loving them while they come home to themselves and their own unconditional love and acceptance for themselves. To actively be apart of the solution.




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