How Understanding Our Nervous System Can Support Interpersonal Conflict Resolution
- Apr 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 8
Monique Newton is a Yoga Therapist, C-IAYT, Mind-Body Coach, and Conflict Coach. As a trauma-informed somatic practitioner, Monique works with the embodiment of our individual and collective lived experience.
Stepping into a difficult conversation to resolve an interpersonal conflict is not always easy, and it does take practice, skill, humility, and self-confidence. It also takes a willingness to be aware of what we are bringing into the conversation, how we are showing up.
I propose that building an understanding of how our nervous system works will actually support how we respond to interpersonal conflict. And this is relevant whether we are navigating an interpersonal conflict ourselves or we are a practitioner supporting clients.
Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory[1] is relevant for conflict resolution and how we support and navigate interpersonal conflict. Here are four key elements of Polyvagal Theory that I would like to highlight:
Our nervous system responds to cues from other people as well as from our environment: our nervous system assesses these cues without cognitive awareness. This is known as neuroception.
Humans, along with other mammals, need and strive toward connection: our physiological state is mutually regulated between or among individuals. This is known as co-regulation.
Humans are capable of adapting their behaviour and responses: in a stressful situation, we can look after our own internal well-being. This is known as self-regulation.
To heal, grow, and adapt, we also need to feel safe: our nervous system benefits from a sense of stability, predictability in the people and environment around us.
In interpersonal conflict resolution, we are in a space of social engagement where we will experience neuroception, co-regulation, and self-regulation in practice. And to engage in a challenging conversation around interpersonal conflict, we also need to feel safe enough to be present, to reflect and respond, and to have curiosity toward the other person’s perspective.
As practitioners, we have a role to play in creating a container for those we support. In navigating a difficult conversation, whether in our workplace, family, or community group, we also have a role to play in co-creating the space for a difficult conversation.
Here are some ways that we can support our clients or support our own challenging conversations in interpersonal conflict.
Pay attention to your own embodiment and how you set the container. Remember that our nervous system is taking in and assessing cues from other people and the surrounding environment (neuroception).
Are you multi-tasking, looking at your phone, trying to finish an email?
Is there background noise or another distraction in the space where you are going to have the conversation?
Do you feel like you have been going without a break all day and now you just need to squeeze in this last conversation?
Would you rather be somewhere else?
Have you taken time to settle yourself, have a walk outside, eat, drink some tea or water?
Set an intention to contribute to a co-regulating space.[2]
Are you getting ready to defend yourself?
Are you here because you just want to get the conversation over with?
Do you have your own and the other person’s dignity in mind?
Do you feel prepared and in a good internal space to practice listening with humility?
Are you ready to be curious about the other person’s experience and perspective?
Have good practices for your own self-regulation.[3]
Will you allow yourself time to pause, to breathe, to reflect?
Do you feel comfortable to ask for a break?
Have you taken time to practice giving voice to what you need?
Have you prepared for this conversation by ensuring your other needs have been met (e.g., exercise, rest, nourishment, social)?
Do you want a support person to accompany you in the conversation?
Humans develop conditioned responses, protective patterns, strengths, and social engagement patterns based on our lived experiences. This is relevant in interpersonal conflict resolution and transformation. We want to honour our lived experiences and also acknowledge that we are not fixed beings: we learn, we change, we grow, we evolve.
I offer workshops for practitioners and 1:1 conflict coaching with somatic practices. Visit my website to contact me and inquire about my services.
Follow me on LinkedIn for more info!
Read more from Monique Newton
Monique Newton, Yoga Therapist-C-IAYT & Mind-Body Conflict Coach
Monique Newton is a Yoga Therapist, C-IAYT, Mind-Body Coach, and Conflict Coach. Monique believes in the generative power of somatic awareness for social justice, conflict resolution, and personal transformation. She has dedicated her own healing journey to becoming more self-aware, decolonizing her presence and body, and living with humility.
Monique supports individuals and teams with intrapersonal and interpersonal conflict and working through change. In providing services and support, Monique focuses on trauma-informed approaches and emotional and mental well-being.
References:
[1] See for example, Porges, Stephen W., 2017, The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe, W.W. Norton & Company, New York.
[2] For some practices to support transforming interpersonal conflict, including setting an intention, see my article, “3 Ways to Transform Interpersonal Conflict.”
[3] For some practices, see my article, “3 Ways to Practice Embodied Conflict Resilience.”
