How To Uncover Incivility Hidden Faces
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 24, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 12, 2024
Written by: Noeli Naima, Senior Level Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A problematic colleague with a past rooted in incivility can, unbeknownst to us, leave a lasting impact on daily workplace dynamics.
Personal incivility mirrors work incivility in diverse ways, ranging from leaders who practice destructive behaviors to hyper-achievers exerting pressure, perfectionists wallowing in their dissatisfaction, self-proclaimed victims pointing fingers, gossip enthusiasts craving more, and people-pleasers sending mixed signals, each with a unique backstory. This is illustrated in the following case study.
Meet Beth, a woman in her late thirties from a small town near the Bavarian Alps. She works as a project manager in a large automobile industry, driven by such extreme perfectionism that her team begins to avoid, fear, and despise her. Beth was introduced to my yoga events through mutual friends and spontaneously decided to join our unconventional Yoga program. Unlike traditional programs, ours combines online short lectures (even before the pandemic) with practical in-person sessions once a month, packed with engaging and meaningful experiences. (No one comes to our program for dry lectures on topics they can read at home; we prioritize interactive experiences, based on the five elements & chakras: water, fire, earth, air, and Akash. We visit lakes, plant trees, dance, attend concerts in exotic places, cook, self-massage, and practice yoga asanas, meditation, and breathwork. There's no place for lengthy lectures on Yoga philosophy; we break these into smaller, digestible bites and discuss them in Q&A sessions.)
Starting a new experience
Beth's initial struggle with trust and release becomes apparent during the first weekend. I sense an underlying tension within her. She behaves as she does in her work environment, resulting in her sitting alone, playing with dust on her yoga mat, and visibly uncomfortable. I empathize deeply with her. Other participants, reacting to her vibe, avoid her. To break the ice, I suggest pairing up for information exchange and simple breathwork. No one partners with her but me. I start sending core energy to Beth, asking her soul for permission in my heart. Her face softens, and she shares short work stories, nothing personal. I offer a hug, which leaves her dumbfounded. After sharing my story and breathing together, she tries hard to do everything correctly.
I offer a 50% discount on life coaching sessions during the program, and to my surprise, Beth is the first to book a full load of sessions. She reveals her deep desire for a family and specific plans for marriage, children, and even a dog. As months pass, she remains critical of everyone and everything, hinting at an undisclosed past. The group's tension towards Beth builds, and I find myself mediating her interactions with them. Gradually, the group begins to accept her without judgment. I work with them in private sessions to ease the strain of Beth's behavior, explaining it's not personal but a battle within her. The upcoming retreat is a gamble: a week together every day. I look forward to it, hoping Beth does too.
The yoga retreat
During the retreat in Mallorca, Beth finally confronts her internal tension. After a week of harmonious group interactions, Beth discloses her traumatic childhood, marked by sexual abuse from her brother and her mother's decision to protect the perpetrator. Her perfectionism and critical nature stem from this dark past, unknowingly affecting her relationships and work interactions.
In subsequent counseling sessions, we identify the need for formal therapy to address her trauma. We employ Vibrational Recalibrations as an energy-healing technique to prepare Beth for treatment. After two months of therapy, combined with Yoga and Vibrational Recalibrations, she shows remarkable progress. She returns to work in a new position and begins rebuilding relationships with her family, despite their denial. The Yoga group's acceptance helps her find courage, demonstrating that together, we can overcome any situation.
The unexpected results
Two years later, the group has become a family, with some friendships lasting forever. Beth is radiant and has a boyfriend.
Beth's journey underscores the importance of addressing personal issues that affect workplace behavior with sensitivity. When facing a challenging colleague, one can initiate a dialogue or seek assistance from professionals like myself, who navigate complex interpersonal dynamics. Incivility may have many faces, but so does kindness and heartwarming coherence. Not everyone practicing incivility will change, like Beth. Some will never accept help or recognize their need for it. By focusing our efforts on those open to change, we can gradually transform our workplaces. For those resistant to change, it's healthier to distance oneself from toxicity. We must strive to create a workplace where incivility is not tolerated, unlocking the group's potential for significant change. Let's identify and transform areas critical to a socially capable workplace. Everyone deserves to feel good at work without exceptions.
Here are some more articles about incivility.
Noeli Naima, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Noeli Naima is Heartegy’s Co-Founder & CEO, a unique Brazilian blend combining over twenty years of experience in Holistic Coaching (Corporate Wellness & Stress Prevention through Naturopathy, Yoga Therapy, Ayurveda Medicine and Psycho-Aromatherapy) with Cutting-edge Strategies (Neuroscience, Vibrational Recalibration, Positive Intelligence) and New Work Analytics (Applied Change, 360 feedback and Vibrational Reading).
She is a living example of how outdated corporate behaviours pull us down while updating our approach and focusing on the human aspects elevates us.
In her Project Soul Soup 4 Coaches book series (available through Amazon), she discusses how combining energy work, coaching, and health prevention can positively transform corporate & life environments enabling them to soar.
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