How to Stop Old Defense Mechanisms From Holding You Back
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 15, 2025
- 8 min read
Written by Justyna Lyzwa, Certified Life Coach
Justyna Lyzwa is an EMCC life certified coach. She is the founder of UR a CURE-Inner Power Coaching. Justyna also hosts the UR a CURE, Inner Power podcast, where she shares personal insights and tools for healing and empowerment, straight from the heart.
Growing up in a family where chaos, unpredictability, or emotional pain is the norm can feel like navigating a battlefield without a map. For many children in these environments, survival depends on more than just resilience, it demands invisible, automatic defenses that guard their fragile sense of safety. These defense mechanisms act like hidden shields, activating silently to protect against overwhelming emotions and threats that no child should face. But what happens when these survival strategies, so vital in childhood, continue to shape our emotions and relationships long after that turbulent past? This article peels back the layers of these unconscious protections to reveal how they form, why they persist, and how we can begin to heal beyond them.
What is a defense mechanism?
As the term suggests, a defense mechanism is an automatic psychological process that activates when there is a strong need to protect an individual's safety and well-being. This mechanism functions unconsciously to shield a person from perceived threats, which can be either physical or psychological in nature. When a threat is detected, whether external or internal, the defense mechanism "switches on" to help the individual manage anxiety or emotional distress and maintain a sense of equilibrium.
Why are defense mechanisms needed?
When a child grows up in a tough family situation, such as with addiction, abuse (whether physical or emotional), constant uncertainty, or simply a lack of real, open communication, they often end up figuring things out on their own. It is no surprise that feelings like shame, believing they are “not good enough,” and always wanting love or acceptance tend to take over. But if there is one thing that really stands out in these situations, it is the total absence of safety.
Feeling safe is absolutely everything for a child’s healthy growth. Without that basic sense of safety, everything else takes a back seat. Defense mechanisms kick in like built-in emotional airbags, helping the child protect themselves from chaos and stress, giving a bit of relief and a way to cope with things that feel overwhelming.
These defenses are important for getting through rough patches. But if someone keeps relying on them too much, especially later in life, they can cause problems with emotional health and relationships down the road.
Examples of defense mechanisms
To better understand the defense mechanisms that activate during traumatic or dysfunctional upbringings, we will explore some specific examples in detail. This will help clarify how these unconscious strategies work to protect an individual emotionally in challenging environments. Some of those listed below may result from other emotional issues, but all of them can also be attributed to adult children of alcoholics or individuals brought up in any dysfunctional household.
Denial
Denial in children from dysfunctional families is like their mind’s natural shield, working quietly in the background, keeping painful or scary truths at bay when those truths would be too much to face. Imagine growing up in a home where addiction, abuse, or constant chaos is the norm. For a child, it can feel unbearable to fully accept what is happening around them, so denial steps in to protect their fragile sense of safety.
For example, a child might convince themselves that their parents’ drinking or angry outbursts “aren’t really that bad,” or simply pretend it is not happening. It is their way of holding on to hope or feeling even a tiny bit of love and security in a place that often feels anything but safe. Sometimes, denial means the child downplays neglect or convinces themselves that the problems are their own fault, just to make the confusing pain easier to carry.
While denial helps in the moment, like a bandage over a wound, it can remain long after childhood. As adults, those still relying on denial may struggle to fully face their own pain or acknowledge the reality of difficult situations. This can make it harder to seek help, grow emotionally, or build honest, trusting relationships. In that way, denial that once saved them can keep them stuck, making healing feel like an uphill battle.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is an illusion created when the only way a child can receive love from their parents is through extraordinary achievements. The child learns that love, acceptance, or even safety can only be attained by “perfectly” cleaning the house or “perfectly” excelling at school. Later, in adulthood, being “just okay” is never an option, being the best becomes the only chance to finally receive love. Of course, there is no such thing as “perfect,” so this defense mechanism is a futile and endless pursuit of something that does not exist. Perfectionism is a moving target, an impossible standard that leaves people trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-criticism and dissatisfaction.
Perfectionism, while initially protective, becomes a heavy burden that blocks personal growth. It creates a paralyzing fear of failure, stopping individuals from taking risks or trying new things. The constant pressure leads to chronic stress and burnout, draining mental and physical health. Unrealistically high standards fuel harsh self-criticism and low self-esteem, making self-acceptance difficult. Perfectionism also harms relationships by causing frustration and unrealistic expectations, leading to isolation. Lastly, it prevents embracing imperfections, limiting emotional resilience and adaptability.
Hypervigilance
Children from dysfunctional homes need to be constantly on the lookout. What is common in these toxic environments is a lack of safety and high unpredictability. You never know when Dad will be drunk or in a bad mood. So, the kids quickly learn to read the moods of others and pick up on signals that could mean danger. In adult life, this defense mechanism, although necessary for survival in childhood, hinders them from being relaxed and focused on their own needs and state of mind. All their attention goes outward toward other people. For the hypervigilant person to feel safe, everyone around must feel content and happy. If someone is not, there is this nudge, a call, to make sure they are. This causes a lot of anxiety, burnout, and difficulty recognizing their own needs and emotions, as their “radar” is centered on others, not on themselves.
Procrastination
If a child faces a situation where postponing something means avoiding immediate danger, like delaying going home from school to escape certain abuse, postponing literally becomes a survival tactic. In these moments, avoidance of unsafe or traumatic events is lifesaving. However, in adult life, this defense mechanism can misfire. The body may react to everyday stressors as if they are the same life-threatening events from childhood. The trauma from the past links with present stressful situations, so the defense mechanism activates automatically, often leading to heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, or avoidance behaviors that are no longer helpful.
Black and white thinking
This defense mechanism develops when a child is confronted with two completely contradictory images of the same person. For example, a dad who is always kind to the child but cruel and physically violent to the mother. For the child, it becomes impossible to comprehend that a person can be both good and bad. To survive emotionally, the child must choose one extreme to maintain their sanity, often seeing the person as either all good or all bad.
As an adult, this pattern tends to result in black-and-white thinking, viewing others and situations as entirely good or entirely bad. If someone makes a mistake, they will be seen as a bad person rather than a complex individual capable of both positive and negative traits. This rigid thinking limits emotional flexibility and can harm relationships and self-awareness.
Control
Coming from a dysfunctional home often leads to control issues in adulthood. This can manifest in two opposite ways, either being overly controlling or completely relinquishing control over one’s own life. Growing up in an unpredictable and chaotic environment, where safety and stability were lacking, creates a deep-seated need to manage or control situations to feel secure. Some adults respond by trying to micromanage every aspect of their lives and relationships, fearful of losing control. Others may react by surrendering control entirely, feeling powerless and overwhelmed, leading to passivity or avoidance.
Both extremes ultimately stem from the same childhood survival strategy but can hinder personal growth, emotional well-being, and healthy relationships. Overcoming these control issues involves recognizing their roots in early family dynamics and learning to find a balanced sense of control that includes trust, flexibility, and self-compassion.
Role taking
In dysfunctional families, each member often takes on a specific role as a defense mechanism. This is one of the most damaging defense mechanisms because it strips the child of their authenticity. Instead of being allowed to develop as an individual, the child is forced, consciously or unconsciously, into a character that meets the family’s needs. The most common roles children adopt include the scapegoat, invisible child, mascot, and hero. Each of these roles has distinct characteristics and functions within the family system.
As you might imagine, these roles do not simply disappear when the child turns 18. Many adults continue to carry these roles with them, often clinging to familiar patterns instead of fully embracing adulthood and personal growth. This can limit their ability to form authentic relationships and develop a true sense of self beyond the roles they were assigned.
Looking for patterns
This defense mechanism often develops during long periods of trauma and acts as a form of distraction. Instead of focusing on the overwhelming stress of fighting abusive parents or dealing with a drunk dad, a child’s brain creates specific patterns or rituals to focus on, such as looking for symmetry in tiles or tapestries, counting objects, or finding images on walls or curtains. These repetitive behaviors provide a sense of control and a temporary escape from the chaos around them, helping the child mentally manage distress.
In adulthood, these coping patterns may persist as compulsive behaviors or obsessive tendencies that offer comfort but can also interfere with daily functioning and emotional well-being.
When the past is still present
Defense mechanisms, while initially protective, often hinder us in adult life by limiting emotional growth and authentic self-expression. They operate unconsciously, causing us to react to stressors with behaviors and thoughts that shield us from painful emotions or perceived threats. However, over-reliance on immature defense mechanisms, such as denial, projection, or avoidance, can prevent us from fully facing reality, processing trauma, or resolving internal conflicts.
In adult life, this can lead to difficulties in relationships, poor emotional regulation, and stunted personal development. For example, defense mechanisms may cause someone to withdraw from intimacy, misinterpret others’ intentions, or avoid responsibility for their actions.
Ways to help yourself and start a new life
Awareness of the defense mechanisms operating in the background is the first and most important step toward letting go of the past. When we remain unaware of these unconscious patterns, we continue to hurt ourselves and allow past experiences to control our present lives. Bringing these mechanisms into conscious awareness empowers us to recognize how they influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, creating space for healing and personal growth.
Without this awareness, we risk repeating old patterns and remaining stuck in emotional pain. By becoming mindful of these defenses, we can begin to challenge and change them, gradually freeing ourselves from the hold of past trauma and building healthier coping strategies. Practicing mindfulness and developing awareness of how we react and what emotions arise within us is essential in discovering the root of our problems. Most often, it is only by realizing the underlying defense mechanisms that cause our struggles in life that we can begin to address and resolve these issues. Other times, we need to work on our belief systems or come to terms with what happened to us.
If this process feels challenging, support such as my Inner Power Coaching can help guide you through uncovering these patterns, healing past wounds, and empowering you to live more authentically and freely. I offer a free coaching call to discover if we are a good fit for each other.
Read more from Justyna Lyzwa
Justyna Lyzwa, Certified Life Coach
Justyna Lyzwa is a certified life coach and the founder of UR a CURE, Inner Power Coaching. Her passion is helping people reclaim their power, unmute their voices, and rise in confidence. Raised in an alcoholic family, she experienced hardship and chronic trauma, but now sees those experiences as profound challenges that shaped her. Through healing her emotional wounds, reprogramming her subconscious mind, and learning to love and accept herself, she gained deep wisdom. Today, she is committed to raising awareness about the impact of dysfunctional families and offering support to those on a journey to reclaim their true power.
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