How to Keep Your Cool and Ways to Control Your Anger
- May 21, 2025
- 5 min read
Beth Jackson is an experienced psychotherapist and coach, working with clients across the UK and beyond. In counselling, she specialises in anxiety and self-esteem support and also works with many couples as well as those working through grief and trauma.
All of us, at times, may find ourselves triggered into an angry response. It can be so instantaneous that we don’t see it coming. For many, it is not really a problem and is something we can easily control. For others of us, it feels like an uncontrollable monster lurking below the surface, ready to lash out when we least expect it.
Do you find your anger/frustration response to situations is over and above what you would like it to be? Having worked with many clients with anger issues, I have often heard them say, ‘I just can’t control it!’ The good news is that it is not true and there are many strategies to help.
1. Be more conscious
Often, we lump all of our anger experiences together and may say that it has just been one, long, angry day. However, each episode is separate; they may have a cumulative effect and build on each other throughout the day, but we need to pull each one apart and begin to analyse them. How long did that anger last? How did you express it? Was it just in your head, or did you shout, stamp, swear, etc.? Simply beginning to look at the episode helps us be more conscious of it and recognise the patterns and our reactions.
2. What were the triggers?
Often, an anger response can seem so instant that we don’t even recognise what sparked it. But starting to pull the situations apart and look for where it came from and why is critical in being able to change the patterns. Looking for the thoughts and feelings is a vital step in being more conscious about the cycle. This can be hard to begin with. If we feel it was a person or thing that triggered us, it is important to recognise that it is our reaction to them and what our thoughts and feelings are that are triggering the response.
3. Identify the thoughts and feelings
Linked to the triggers, what were your feelings as the anger began to rise? What were the thoughts that came from these emotions? I often say to clients to look for thoughts and feelings. They feed into each other and it is often subconscious. After this, our thoughts and feelings then affect our behaviour. The problem here is that although our thoughts are very real, they are often not true. So, pulling these apart helps us to recognise the truth within our own mind and with our reactions.
Often our thoughts will generalise: ‘Anger is something I just need to live with.’
We may use absolutes: ‘They always do that to annoy me.’ Or, ‘I never get this right.’
Our thoughts may be defeatist or catastrophise; ‘I will never be able to control this,’
All of this on top of a frustrating situation or something that feels out of our control may add to the anger outburst.
4. What are the anger responses?
We have already looked at recognising and breaking down each anger episode, but it can also be useful to consider: Where did these responses come from originally? You may not remember, or perhaps you grew up in a home or lived with someone where you have learnt to express anger in the way they did. Just recognising that we have learnt this from someone else can help us remember that we can amend our responses.
Looking back on an angry outburst, consider ‘Was my response justified?’. At this point, it can also be helpful to consider ‘What are the consequences of my anger?’ What are the long-term consequences? This can be health-related or affect relationships. It can also leave us in a cycle of negative self-image and even self-loathing. Short-term consequences may be ruined evenings or a lasting sense of frustration. Within this, consider ‘What are the consequences for you?’ and ‘What are the consequences for those close to you?’. Assuming there is no physical or even verbal violence towards others, it can still be terrifying to watch someone seemingly out of control.
Honestly answering these questions and looking carefully at the answers takes courage.
5. Wanting to change
Recognising that change can happen and wanting to make changes is the most important step. It can seem impossible when thoughts and reactions seem instantaneous, but with practise we can ‘rewire our brain’ and alter the defaults.
This requires a problem-solving attitude, being able to recognise the patterns and actively work to change them. It also means accepting responsibility for how we react and what we do after. Within this, though, we need to show compassion and patience with ourselves. Just like with learning a new skill or even language, treating ourselves with patience and kindness rather than irritation and frustration will help us succeed much more quickly.
6. Problem solve
Once we have chosen to embark on this journey of controlling our anger, we need to find strategies that will work best for us. Not everything will work all the time. One thing may be the absolute answer for you and not someone else, but being ready to problem-solve and generate solutions is important.
Many clients use an imaginary thermometer in their head. They try to tap into their emotions and recognise when the anger is rising. Labelling the emotions can be helpful here, and specifically identifying whether the emotion is irritation, annoyance, anger, or rage?
Going back to our thoughts and identifying what they are as the anger rises is important. Often, we don’t question our thoughts as they are automatic and they may even become habits. Next, question whether the thoughts are even true. If not, look for the truth and the evidence to back up the truth. Replace the untrue thoughts with more accurate and realistic thoughts based on the truth and evidence.
Some people may use avoidance, distraction or escape strategies when they feel angry. These can be helpful depending on the situation. But often they are just a temporary fix for the larger issue. Consciously choosing to control our anger is the best long-term strategy.
Grounding techniques are another strategy that can be really helpful. As you recognise that the ‘anger thermometer’ is rising, using breathing techniques or focusing on what you can hear, feel, touch, see, etc., can often reduce the anger enough so that we can use the other strategies discussed. Find grounding techniques that work best for you.
Keeping an anger log is a really great strategy for deliberately looking for triggers, pulling apart the thoughts and feelings, and what the truth was, considering the consequences, recognising how it was expressed, etc. This can also help us spot and then change patterns.
Choosing strategies that work for you is important in being able to make your own solutions.
7. Finally
Lastly, lapses always happen. Changing thought and behaviour patterns takes time and practise. But, look at the bigger picture, recognise the successes and compassionately keep moving forward.
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Read more from Beth Jackson
Beth Jackson, Psychotherapist/Counsellor and Coach
Beth Jackson works as a psychotherapist and coach in her private practice in the UK and online across the world. She focuses on the aims of the client, working sensitively and supportively to help change happen quickly. Her intention is for clients to recognise their own capabilities and help them empower themselves to live the life they want.
