How to Navigate Anger Related to Unresolved Trauma
- Brainz Magazine
- 46 minutes ago
- 10 min read
Sandtrice D. Russell is a seasoned mental health professional with nearly 20 years of experience in the helping industry. She is the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, a virtual counseling practice, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
Anger is one of our most primal human emotions, unfortunately, it is often misunderstood. It can come in waves like grief, but if left unchecked, anger can be a slippery slope into a lifelong journey of depression and misery. If you struggle with anger, it's important to get to the root of the problem, which often involves a history of complex trauma or adverse childhood experiences (ACES). When you’ve experienced trauma, anger becomes more than a feeling, it becomes a sur
Fortunately, anger is something that you can learn to control if you are willing to dive deep and get to the root of the problem.
Understanding the link between anger and trauma
For many people, anger is a form of protection. It keeps us from getting hurt because we build up walls around ourselves based on a history of experiencing emotional neglect, inconsistency in our relationships, and unmet emotional needs. Anger is a response of the nervous system, and it is often connected to complex trauma. The inability to process your trauma can lead to problems regulating your emotions, which can lead to lifelong challenges in your relationships.
Complex trauma is a direct result of ongoing exposure to emotionally unsafe environments. People who experience complex trauma often have a fractured sense of self, unstable relationships, problems with emotional regulation, and trust issues within nearly all aspects of their lives. Many adults who experience childhood trauma often feel chronically angry and can be extremely emotionally reactive and volatile. They often feel disconnected and emotionally overwhelmed. For those around them, it may be viewed as a character flaw or negative trait, but at the core, it is their nervous system trying to protect them from perceived threats. The unfortunate thing about this is that often the threats have been removed as they grow older, but in their mind, the threat is still alive and ready to attack at any moment.
Signs your anger may be trauma-based
Here are a few signs that your anger may be trauma-based.
If you feel triggered often by little things that you don't completely understand, this is likely a sign that your anger is rooted in trauma. If you find yourself overreacting in arguments or shutting down completely, also known as stonewalling, you may be experiencing trauma-related anger. Other signs include: struggling to express emotions other than frustration or rage, feeling guilty or embarrassed after getting angry, or fear of being abandoned. It's also common for people who have trauma-related anger to feel like their anger has nowhere to go. On the inside, it may feel like you're about to explode, or you may feel like a weight is on your chest.
If any of these items resonate with you, you likely have unprocessed trauma or unresolved childhood emotions that need attention for you to truly begin your healing journey. I know it can be scary to confront those parts of yourself; in fact, this article was a bit difficult for me to write because it forced me to look at those unhealed parts of myself. However, addressing those ugly parts of ourselves is the only path to true healing. The real question is, are you ready to begin healing?
Identifying the root of your anger
You must acknowledge the root of your anger problem. You must start by recognizing how you developed a pattern of being defensive and protecting yourself from harm. My anger started in childhood. I experienced ongoing emotional abuse because I acted out a lot due to not having my parents in the home. As a child, I was told things like "that's why neither of your parents wants you because you're so bad." Eventually, those words became a self-fulfilling prophecy because I acted out even more as I got older.
There was no end to the depth of my anger growing up, I would act out violently even when triggered by the smallest things that reminded me of my experience. You need to name the experiences that have shaped your relationship with anger. For me, it was abandonment and not feeling like I was enough, but for you, it may look different. Nevertheless, you must explore your emotional history and identify your triggers.
Identifying your triggers is vital to regaining control of your behavior when you experience anger. When you find yourself feeling frustrated or irritable, it's important to ask yourself what's causing you to feel this way. Anger is an indicator, it is usually a top-layer emotion that is rooted in something deeper, such as fear, rejection, abandonment, or hurt. Sometimes, triggers remind us of things from our past when we were in a space where we lacked safety. Learning how your emotions were built requires a level of self-awareness as well as self-compassion.
While a great amount of my anger comes from unresolved childhood trauma, another portion of it comes from an emotionally abusive relationship that I experienced in my 20s. It's sometimes hard to tell whether it's my childhood trauma or my early adulthood trauma that drives some of my emotional responses. Trauma lives in our body, and the anger that is connected to that trauma also continues to live if we don't learn how to manage our fire.
I had the opportunity last month to attend a workshop on anger, where I presented to a group of women on how anger can keep us stuck in the stereotypes that have been placed on us. What I did not expect from this workshop was to be able to also learn tools to help me emotionally regulate some of my unresolved anger. I preach to my clients about using things like deep breathing, box breathing, and meditation, but I don't always hit the mark when it comes to using these techniques myself.
At this workshop, one of the presenters, Felice Martin, LPC, taught us about how the brain responds during an anger episode. One of the things that she taught us was how bilateral movements can help calm the body down. It's a simple technique, but the amount of calmness that it brings is unmatched.
How to cope with your anger
Bilateral stimulation, also known as BLS, is a rhythmic activity that involves alternating stimulation between the left and right sides of our brain or body. This is a core component of EMDR therapy, and it can be utilized within the therapy session and outside of it. EMDR is a psychotherapy method that was developed in the late 1980s. This therapeutic modality was originally created to treat post-traumatic stress disorder, but it is now used to treat a wide variety of issues such as anger, anxiety, and depression.
When the trauma occurs, the brain holds on to these memories in a disjointed, raw form. These memories can cause emotional triggers, anger, and sometimes flashbacks even years following a particular event. Bilateral stimulation is used to replicate the brain's natural processing, which allows those traumatic memories to be properly addressed. While EMDR itself requires a qualified EMDR trained therapist, there are certain techniques that you can utilize to help you calm yourself down. Bilateral stimulation can help reduce emotional arousal, as it mimics REM sleep, which can help you tap into your memories and help you with emotional regulation.
Grounding techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness exercises can also help prevent your anger from becoming overwhelming. Meditation and progressive muscle relaxation are equally great tools for teaching your body and mind to calm down. Physical activities like exercise, yoga, and boxing may also be helpful in allowing you to release some of your energy. It may also be helpful to channel your anger into creative activities like journaling, art, and music.
Other ways to calm yourself include running your hands under cold water or holding an ice cube in your hand, you may also find taking a mindfulness walk or stretching as additional ways for you to calm down your nervous system. When we are faced with anger, we often react from a place of defensiveness instead of taking the time to process the information that we've been given and responding from a place of desire. Grounding yourself can help you reconnect with the present and respond from a place of the present instead of the past.
It's equally important for us to challenge our old beliefs. As survivors of trauma, specifically childhood trauma, we often carry those negative core beliefs that we were taught about ourselves, and if we don't check those things, we may often find ourselves repeating those narratives back to ourselves in a dangerous way. We can challenge our beliefs by identifying those negative core beliefs and then turning them into an affirmation that speaks the truth about who we are.
For years, I thought that I would never be enough for anyone, not just because of the programming that I received as a child, but also because of the things that I was told during an abusive relationship in my early adult life. I was told multiple times that no one would ever want me, that I wasn't good enough. I heard those words so often that I started to believe that it was true. It took me nearly three years to finally let go of that relationship when it should have ended within the first three months.
Navigating anger
The first step to learning to manage your anger is developing self-awareness and being able to recognize the signs. Anger can present itself in various ways to include tightness in your chest, increased irritability, elevated voice, and feelings of frustration and resentment. At times, anger can simmer under the surface, it may come up as sarcasm are stonewalling. It's important to pay attention to how your body responds when you feel agitated and what things you say to yourself when you're in that elevated state of emotion. Recognizing that you're angry early can help prevent you from allowing the fire within you to consume you.
It is equally important to understand the root of your anger. Anger is what we call a top or surface level emotion and it often masks our deeper feelings that are more of a challenge for us to deal with. By understanding what's underneath the anger it can give us a clearer picture of what we need to address for us to resolve our anger and move forward. You can get to the root cause by asking yourself what you are truly upset about. Sometimes you may not even know, but journaling or talking to someone you trust when you feel angry can help you reveal what's underneath it and help you identify recurring triggers.
It's taken me quite a few years to learn to pause before reacting to a situation that makes me angry, specifically within my personal life. I've been working for over 30 years at this point, and at work, while I do find myself getting frustrated with the unique challenges that I face day-to-day, like most people, I understand that acting out in a workplace would have severe consequences. However, in my personal life, I find it a bit more difficult to take that pause before speaking my feelings, especially with the people who I'm closest to.
When you're feeling angry, you must express it in a way that involves assertive communication instead of aggressive or passive-aggressive communication. When we use assertive communication, it simply means that we're stating our feelings and needs clearly without blaming or attacking others. Constructive communication often involves using "I" statements to take ownership of your feelings and then making a request for what you desire. It's important to practice remaining calm and focus on solutions instead of grievances.
While it is okay to set boundaries within any relationship, it's also important to take responsibility for your own behavior. People who experience anger outbursts due to unresolved trauma often lash out at the people who are close to them, but when you lash out, it's important to acknowledge, apologize, and work towards maintaining trust in your relationships. Anger can also be channeled into a positive action. There are a lot of things going on in the world that you may feel angry about, whether it's connected to your childhood trauma or not. You can use that anger to advocate for change or find other ways to use anger as an outlet. You may find solace in working towards a goal that aligns with your values.
Next steps
Now that you've learned about how anger and trauma correlate, it's time to take the next steps to gain control of your anger. Below is a list of things to explore on your healing journey.
Reflect on your anger - Journaling your feelings is a great way to process your thoughts.
Identify your triggers - Understanding your triggers can help you be more prepared when faced with challenging situations.
Develop healthy outlets and coping skills - Using coping strategies and finding outlets can help you regulate your emotions.
Set boundaries using assertive communication skills- Clearly stating your boundaries to others in a respectful manner can help circumvent triggering situations.
Be patient with yourself - It takes time to learn to regulate your emotions, there is not an overnight fix.
Seek help from a trauma-informed therapist - Finding a good therapist to help you navigate through steps 1-6 is key to jump-starting your next steps.
If you're experiencing something like chronic rage or suppressed resentment, those things do not go away if they are left unaddressed. You may think that you've processed through it, you may think that you've let it go, but I can guarantee you that under the right or rather wrong circumstances, those unresolved areas of your anger will show up at the most inopportune time. Anger is a part of being human, it's not a negative thing. What's negative is if we don't learn how to address our anger in a manner that does not attack or cause pain to others.
Read more from Sandtrice D. Russell
Sandtrice D. Russell, Unique Destiny Counseling
Sandtrice D. Russell is a fierce mental health advocate whose life's mission is empowering others through education. Her childhood upbringing led her into the helping profession and she is committed to helping remove the stigma associated with pursuing mental health services. Sandtrice is a Licensed Professional Therapist in Georgia and Texas. She is also the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
