Written by: Vasundhra Gupta, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever felt deflated by someone making unsolicited comments? Their words can trigger our deepest wounds and create self-doubt. If they’re a family member or in your workspace, and you have to be around them more often than you’d like to, it can affect your self-esteem over time. So you’re not alone if you find it hard to tolerate people who bring you down. This article is dedicated to helping you deal with unsolicited advice and criticism.
Here’s the thing: people commenting on your life choices or judging your decisions are commenting on what they would have done in your place. So, these comments have nothing to do with you! Here’s what I mean.
Consider this step-by-step breakdown of what’s happening when someone makes a contrasting comment:
they hear about your situation
it makes them feel uncomfortable
their nervous system picks up a “threat”
they try to manage the perceived threat through logic
they vocalize the logic by giving advice
they continue to feel frustrated/scared/alarmed because you don’t act on that advice
Note that all of this is happening within a few seconds! And it’s called a negative projection – when someone is “projecting” their view of life onto us, that makes their view seem higher and ours lower.
What’s important to understand here is that negative projecting is not happening intentionally; it’s an autopilot response. As their nervous system feels threatened, they’ve gone inward & are trying to navigate this challenge as if it were their own! They lose awareness that one – this isn’t personal, and two, this is a perceived threat.
At that point, the mammalian desire for connection and companionship diminishes, especially if you don’t take their comment well and they feel further threatened.
For this reason, I call unsolicited advice the shadow side of empathy. This person has unconsciously stepped into your shoes, and that jars them! Ironically, you might feel shame and rejection instead of feeling seen and celebrated.
So, how do we navigate such situations? Here are my recommendations. We’ll use a hypothetical situation as an example to lead through the recommendations.
Let’s say that someone comments on how you spend your money and time. They envy the lifestyle you have created for yourself, and when you’re around them, you are constantly down-playing your positive experiences.
Notice your own triggers: if you use everything that happens to you as a compass for your growth, you’ll experience enormous transformation! So, in the above scenario, maybe you feel like you’re being called “wasteful” or “entitled.” This becomes an opportunity for you to work on the negative weight of those labels. Not sure how? That’s the work we do in my 1:1 coaching sessions. Come chat with me and see if working together is a good fit.
Mirror their response: when you take ownership of something, you remove yourself (or the other person) from the pedestal and free yourself from the charge created in the conversation. In the above scenario, you could reflect on how grateful you are for your lifestyle and share a story about the challenges, values or effort it took to get you there. This also helps humanize your journey instead of focusing solely on the outcome.
Make it about them: sometimes, the best way for someone to get off your case is to focus on theirs. This can look like leaning in with curiosity about their lifestyle and asking them what they’d like to be doing differently with their time and money. This can even unlock an intimate conversation which might surprise both of you!
Do your homework: if you’re familiar enough with this person’s behaviour, take some time to reflect on their worldview. How much do you know about them and why they said what they said? For instance, you may challenge yourself by thinking of 3 reasons why their statement is actually valid for them to say. So their commenting on your latest vacation could be a valid thing because, one, they don’t have that family dynamic to enjoy such vacations; two, they’ve been saving their money for things like housing and child-care and are feeling frustrated; and three, they were raised by strict parents that never wanted them to waste money. When you see their story this way, can you see that it has nothing to do with you? You may still not like their words, but it depersonalizes their personal comments.
All the suggestions above focus on helping the person detach from their shadow side of empathy. However, they also require us to do our inner work first and show up with more rooted confidence within ourselves. Some people can be very challenging to converse with, and if none of the options above work, you can always consider changing the topic or walking away.
At the end of the day, dealing with unsolicited advice and criticism isn’t easy. I applaud you for your courage and willingness to overcome these sticky conversations!
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Vasundhra Gupta, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vasundhra Gupta is the founder of My Spiritual Shenanigans, a unique resource for mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. Her work as a writer & life coach has touched over half a million lives worldwide. This journey began when Vasundhra saw 11:11 on the clock and mysterious things started happening to her. Ever since, she is on a mission to help herself and others create a life full of purpose, connection, and growth.
