How to Control Your Ego Before It Controls You
- 4 days ago
- 11 min read
Written by Gareth Edward Jones, Visionary Technology Leader, Environmentalist, & Social Impact Advocate
Gareth Edward Jones is a visionary technology leader with 20+ years of digital success, CIO Times Top 5 Business Leader, Executive Contributor for Brainz Magazine, UN SDG Advocate, and Co-Founder of Lightrise, and Trustee of the Lightrise Foundation
I’m getting a ride back from the rental company, talking to my driver, who is about to become an officer in the Army. “Of course, getting the balance between ego and self-care is critical. The ego devours itself,” I comment. “I think this applies to women too,” he remarks. “Absolutely, it applies to all,” I reply. I had moved into my new home, having spent the last 10 months living in a shed in the garden as part of a divorce. I had given myself a fair amount of time to reflect on what the ego was and to undertake new learning. “Have enough ego that it doesn’t get you run over by a bus,” I watched Adrian Pengelly say, as I attended his healing course.
In Greek, ego literally means “I.” Stoics believed that much of our suffering stems from taking things personally, needing control, seeking approval, and attaching our identity to external things such as status, possessions, and perceived reputation. Sometimes it takes a sharp eye to spot egotism, but I’m sure we can reflect on those we’ve met on our paths, both in person and in the media, and clearly identify those we would class as egotistical.
I sat back on the relative luxury of a sofa once again and caught up with Louis Theroux’s TV show Manosphere, which had recently been the subject of discussion on several social channels. It troubled me. I’ve been aware of the stories around egotistical and misogynistic influencers like Andrew Tate for a while. These people are so far up their own backside that it’s easy to see why they don’t shed any light. But they promise paths to satisfy greed and the ego for those drawn to them.
They are known for using double binds, persuasion, and manipulation techniques to lead young men to believe this is the route to success. It might be a possible route to success if you want sponsorship for the latest status luxury goods. Less Manosphere, more Boyosphere. Egotism wrapped up in a self-care and goal-setting package, with the promise of instant riches and fast cars.
“Men have to create their own value” was the tagline, followed by a mix of money making, misogyny, racism, and madness as the way forward, at the expense of a gentleman’s integrity and honour. These values had gone straight out the door, with HSTikkytokky saying, “Call me racist, call me a misogynist, call me homophobic, call me a scammer, I’m all those things,” and “I only care about myself.”
This person claims to be a coach but lacks empathy and sidelines conscience in favour of ego and greed. All propped up by unscrupulous sponsors willing to associate themselves with the culture these influencers promote. A sell-out to the ego and to basic human decency.
Why did they not care about their out-of-control egos, I thought? Why didn’t they choose to live a life with respect and integrity?
Like yin and yang, we all need to seek balance in our approach to ego, particularly when choosing our own journeys of shadow or light. The good news is that there are lighter ways to handle the ego. Space exists to turn it into healthy traits.
Healthy ego
Good self-esteem, which you can nurture through positive self-love and care.
A stable identity. Knowing and accepting yourself, for better or worse, and being humble about areas you know you can improve, without getting into comparisons or internal competition with others.
The ability to handle criticism. You will find this easier if you have a stable identity. Why? Because you will know what is true and what is not. This means you can either recognise it as something you already know or dismiss it as an attempt to trigger you, without wasting energy.
A realistic view of yourself. Tina Turner sang, “You are simply the best. Better than all the rest.” The reality is that you are probably not. You might still be good, but let’s be honest. Ever heard of the best self-exercise, a 360-degree feedback exercise, or even coaching? These can help you gain a realistic view of yourself professionally. But be prepared for the truth on your path to improvement.
All this said, when out of balance, the ego devours itself. People who succumb to their egos typically invest their energy in the following ways.
Unhealthy ego
Overly inflated self-importance. I’m better than you because I have bigger, better, more. You get the idea. Think back to those people you’ve met who cannot stop talking about how great they are and belittle others to make themselves look good.
Defensiveness. The flip side of being able to handle criticism, whether it is constructive or not. People with unhealthy egos dodge any feedback they do not want to hear. Strong individuals will listen and, where appropriate, improve quickly.
Taking things personally. That feedback is not feedback. It is always a personal attack. Is that how it feels? People with large egos may try to claim they will fend off that attack with physical strength, particularly if they have invested more in their physical self than their mind or spirit. Ultimately, it may be all they feel they have. They act as if they hold all the cards, but in reality, they only hold one.
Needing to be right, sometimes even interrupting others to prove it. Honestly, they will make up anything and hold on to it as truth. Sadly, you cannot even challenge them, because they become defensive, as mentioned above.
Struggling to admit mistakes. From a leadership perspective, you will create stronger cultures when people feel it is acceptable to admit mistakes, learn from them, and move on. But building that kind of culture is only possible if leaders admit mistakes too. Let’s face it, we are all human, and the world needs more humility.
Why don’t people control their ego (the psychological reasons)
The ego acts as a defence mechanism
People often develop ego inflation to protect themselves from painful personal doubts and feelings such as shame, insecurity, rejection, and failure.
Carl Jung, full name Carl Gustav Jung, 1875 to 1961, was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychologist best known as the founder of analytical psychology, a major school of depth psychology. Jung defined inflation as “an unconscious psychic condition, an expansion of the personality beyond its proper limits by identification with the persona or an archetype.” This leads to an exaggerated sense of self-importance, often as compensation for inferiority.
If someone deep down feels fundamentally “not enough,” they may unconsciously build the opposite as armour, superiority. Controlling the ego would mean facing those inner shadows, demons, and core wounds. A journey for some, which may be as long as time itself, but in the end, a brave journey of self-improvement we should all embark on if we are to make ourselves lighter, stronger, and happier. Easier said than done, because our minds typically avoid dealing with our shadow self, as it feels unsafe and uncomfortable.
It’s unconscious
Much of an ego’s behaviour is automatic. Across cognitive psychology, social cognitive research, and classical and modern psychoanalytic models, we find that the self, and ego, can be activated unconsciously.[2] Furthermore, social judgments and identity-protective behaviours related to the ego have been found to operate automatically.[3]
The egotistical among you reading this article may well say, “What do those boffins know? I could beat them in a fight.” I would reply, “Need I say more?” but, of course, I am just signposting the science.
True strength is to hold awareness of yourself while equally holding awareness of others. Both are consistent traits of emotional intelligence, and we know from extensive leadership research that emotional intelligence predicts transformational leadership, which is often ranked as a hallmark of high-performing leadership.[1]
Early experiences shape ego control
Nature or nurture? Early experiences are vitally important in shaping us. People who struggle with ego regulation often grew up being “nurtured” in particular ways during childhood, and this can potentially lead to certain types of behaviour later in life.
Over-criticism creates defensiveness.
Over-praise creates entitlement.
Insecure attachment creates fear and overreaction.
Chaos, inconsistency, or fear creates hypervigilance.
As parents, we have very difficult jobs, but we can at least practise an emotionally intelligent and balanced way of parenting that tries to anticipate what our actions may develop into in our children later on. Fundamentally, it comes down to the principle of treating others as you would want to be treated.
I speak as a child who was traumatised by a teacher who hit me. Later, through fear and stress, I burnt out with hypervigilant traits. Despite a lifetime of my ego telling me I could not break my mind, I worked out the hard way that I could.
My father, who grew up being shouted at by his stepfather, was keen that I learned not to shout too much at my own son. Despite my criticism of him, this was one thing he recognised as important not to pass on.
Trauma can become intergenerational, and you may want to consider how, as part of your lineage, you can be the one who stops history from repeating itself based on how you were brought up. Just because it is the way you knew does not make it the best way. If we all followed the same path in history, we would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
“If you tolerate this, then your children will be next,” as the Manic Street Preachers sang.
Poor emotional regulation skills
An uncontrolled ego may step in to defend against your emotions. Acceptable if you are growing up as a boy or girl, but I would counter that if you want to be a strong man or woman, you should pursue strength in mind and master those emotional regulation skills. There is a reason elite special forces and top athletes around the world focus on both mental and physical development.
If you find yourself saying things like:
“It’s not my fault, it’s theirs.”
“You’re the problem, not me.”
It may not just be confidence, but a red flag for your ego’s avoidance of emotional pain. I encourage you to reflect on this safely and deeply in your own personal time.
Social and cultural reinforcement
Despite all the science and self-reflection, the odds are somewhat stacked against us, as society often rewards traditional ego behaviours such as:
Confidence
Self-promotion
Dominance
Assertiveness
Ambition
While it is good that coaching and self-development programmes often encourage growth in these areas, it is equally disappointing that the same programmes do not talk about the balance of control. Obi-Wan from Star Wars may as well have said, “Ego is a way to the Dark Side,” to young Anakin. All these things lead to a path of darkness when out of balance.
Develop balance in mind, body, and spirit, a psychiatrist once told me. I have found that keeping these directions as compass points as I move along my own path of authenticity serves me well.
Left unchecked, these ego-based behaviours can evolve into grandiosity and entitlement. Because these behaviours sometimes result in perceived positive outcomes, for example in business or conflict, the overinflated ego never learns healthier strategies. You may even start to recognise that some sales tactics are engineered to play on your ego, from high-rate loans that promise to support your latest ego-driven purchase, to cosmetics, to modern-day influencers like HSTikkyTokky. If people are suggesting get-rich-quick schemes, there is a good chance they are appealing to your ego.
People buy for pleasure and pain. When you sell to the ego, you are appealing to both.
Why do some egos get out of control?
Even though it creates problems in the long term, an inflated ego can bring immediate relief by avoiding feelings of shame, vulnerability, and inferiority.
“You need to show your vulnerabilities more,” you may hear people say. Well, yes and no. Perhaps it is better to reframe this as showing your strength by showing your vulnerabilities. I am not sure asking people to show their vulnerabilities is helpful unless it is reframed.
We have an instinct to survive, and at its core, the mind may interpret vulnerability as weakness. Being strong enough to show that you have mastered your shadow self and vulnerabilities creates a different perception. For many, letting go of ego can feel like losing protection, but once you move past that mindset, it becomes easier to recognise that your ego was not protection, but a weakness all along.
Some common reasons
A low sense of self-worth disguised as superiority. The bigger the ego, often the deeper the insecurity. When you look deeply at yourself, what are you insecure about?
Trauma or chronic criticism, and past wounds, can make the ego hyper-reactive. Many of us have experienced trauma in our lives. Has yours opened an unintended path? Did your parents or peers give you constant criticism? We are all on a personal journey, and recognising our past is key to healing. Go back, dig deep inside to find your childhood self, and hold them by the hand to bring them safely into the present.
Narcissistic traits or patterns are not the same as narcissistic disorder, but they reflect similar ego-based patterns, a grandiose external self and a fragile internal self.
Fear-based identity. When someone’s sense of self is unstable, they cling harder to the ego to feel solid. Which is odd when you think about it. The sense of “I” is unstable, so cling to the “I”?
Is an out of control ego fixable?
Yes, but only if the person becomes aware of it and of any shadow it casts. Self-awareness is key, but confronting your shadow self can leave you feeling fragile, so you may want to reflect privately.
There are online tests that look for egotistical traits. One such test is the Pathological Narcissism Inventory. Have a look around for what you feel comfortable with, but always try to find tests designed by psychologists, and seek support through coaches if you feel it will help.
If you feel you have room for improvement, ego regulation usually improves when someone learns:
To uncover the root causes of why they started to behave the way they do.
Mindfulness training to help regulate emotional impulses, reduce defensiveness, lower reactivity, and increase psychological flexibility. Harvard Health highlights mindfulness as an effective way of improving self-regulation, helping individuals reflect before reacting and reduce ego-driven behaviour.
Reappraisal techniques, which help individuals reinterpret ego-threatening situations in more balanced ways. Evidence shows that cognitive reappraisal is a scientifically validated emotion regulation strategy that strengthens control over reactions. You may want to identify exactly what happened that triggered you and what your mind instantly assumed. Then ask yourself questions like, “What else could this mean that is not about me personally?” or “If I were calm and confident, how would I interpret this?” From this, you may then consider a more balanced interpretation and response.
Reducing stress. Are you getting enough sleep? Relaxation? Are you lowering your caffeine and alcohol consumption?
Understanding what your values are and shifting focus towards them. Strong personal values guide emotional responses and improve behaviour control.
These are just a few approaches. Remember, it is a healing process, not a quick fix. Everyone’s timescales are different. It is not a race, the only race is with yourself.
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Read more from Gareth Edward Jones
Gareth Edward Jones, Visionary Technology Leader, Environmentalist, & Social Impact Advocate
Gareth Edward Jones is a visionary technology leader, environmentalist, and social impact advocate with over two decades of experience at the intersection of people, purpose, and digital transformation. A CIO Times Top 5 Business Leader (2024–25), and Executive Contributor for Brainz Magazine. Gareth is the founder and CEO of Lightrise, where he champions ethical innovation, ESG-driven strategy, and inclusive technology solutions.
References:
[2] Kihlstrom, 2022
[3] Bargh et al., 2012
