How Social Media and Porn Shape Modern Relationships
Written by Roisin Laoise, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist who combines professional expertise with lived experience to help readers navigate relationships, health, and personal growth and resilience.
Social media and pornography have a subtle yet powerful impact on modern relationships, often shaping unrealistic expectations and influencing control dynamics between partners. In this article, I share my personal experience of navigating these pressures and how reclaiming autonomy and self-trust became essential for my well-being.
Social media influence
I was once in a relationship with a man who would constantly show me videos of men online discussing what women "should" and "shouldn't" do, from how they dress to how they behave. It only really became an issue when it came into our relationship directly. I remember visiting a friend one weekend, and he brought up the fact that I was wearing a skirt. I was shocked and responded by asking what the issue was, which then led him to show me a video on Instagram of men discussing why women should not wear certain clothes. From that moment, it became an ongoing debate in our relationship, and this wasn’t even a long-term relationship at that point. Still, I must say it placed doubt in my mind about the person I was trying to build something with. These types of messages about women circulate often on social media, especially on platforms like TikTok and Instagram, where ideas about how women should dress in relationships are framed as standards rather than control. Over time, these ideas started to feel somewhat normalised, even when they didn’t sit right with me.
On control and pressure
What I came to understand in my relationship is that control does not always appear obvious. It can be subtly presented as opinions, preferences, or expectations. When these messages are repeated, especially through social media, they can begin to shape how both partners view what is “acceptable” in a relationship. Part of the control I experienced came from his own insecurities. Having been cheated on in a previous relationship, he struggled with trust. While this was not my responsibility, it still shaped the rules and expectations he placed on me and our relationship. There were little comments here and there, like about my display pictures on platforms such as WhatsApp, where he would assume I was posting for others. These are the kinds of preferences or standards that partners may try to set in a relationship.
Psychologists might describe the tension I felt as cognitive dissonance, my belief that I deserved autonomy clashed with the pressure to comply with his rules and insecurities. To cope, I found myself rationalising behaviour that I knew was controlling. This created a mental tug-of-war that left me feeling exhausted and unsure of my own judgement. It also made me question my ability to trust myself, especially when deep down I knew that a relationship is not worth being in if it takes away my autonomy as a person.
On porn and its impact
Another layer to this experience was the impact of pornography on my relationship. It created a disconnect between my reality and expectations, shaping what intimacy should look like. This often led to feelings of discomfort, pressure, and confusion, especially when expectations were not communicated openly or honestly. I felt that he had developed coercive sexual expectations influenced by porn, which led to my boundaries being overlooked during intimacy. One incident towards the end was what I would describe as the final turning point.
I decided to leave, as it had become part of a pattern of controlling behaviour, subtle pressure, and repeated boundary violations that had built up over time. This created a growing sense of discomfort and misalignment with my own values. Porn can shape how some people perceive intimate moments, which can lead to misalignment in relationships and overlook the importance of healthy boundaries.
Reclaiming autonomy and self-trust
Looking back, I can see how these influences, from social media messages to subtle control shaped by insecurity, and unrealistic expectations from pornography, contributed to a pattern of pressure and boundary-crossing in the relationship. None of these factors alone made me leave, but together they created a cumulative tension that constantly challenged my sense of autonomy, self-trust, and overall well-being. Experiencing this over time made me realise that healthy relationships require respect for personal boundaries, open communication, and mutual trust. Staying in a relationship where these foundations are compromised can be harmful.
I hope this article helps others who may be navigating similar relationship dynamics to recognise the importance of boundaries, self-trust, and emotional safety. You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself.
Read more from Roisin Laoise
Roisin Laoise, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist, specialising in relationships, mental health, physical wellbeing, and domestic abuse support. Drawing on both professional expertise and personal experience, she helps readers navigate emotional challenges, recognise unhealthy patterns, and build resilience. As a domestic abuse counsellor, she supports individuals in reclaiming their safety, confidence, and sense of self. Through her writing for Brainz Magazine, she provides practical guidance and insights to empower readers to trust themselves, set boundaries, and prioritise their overall wellbeing.
