How Not to Match with a Surrogate or Gestational Carrier
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 19
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 21
Written by Bryan McColgan, Physician Journalist
Dr. Bryan McColgan is an international authority on IVF and surrogacy for gay men. He is the founder of the Gay Dad Reporter, the world’s first online platform dedicated to news about surrogacy and rainbow families with a focus on gay men.
Through our journey to fatherhood, my husband and I have become experts at matching and unmatching with surrogates. This was not the plan. We didn’t want to gain this expertise, but we have learned a lot along the way. I want to share our experience and recommendations, especially for any gay men considering IVF and international surrogacy in the United States.
Our journey
My husband and I started our journey in 2023. We had done our research, attended a Men Having Babies conference in Berlin, and signed on with our first choice of an all-inclusive clinic and surrogacy agency.
While the process of choosing an egg donor and creating embryos took a bit longer than expected, everything was proceeding smoothly.
Then it came time to match with our surrogate.
We were so excited. We had read through and studied the potential match’s profile many times. We knew that she had received the introductory packet with our story and pictures and was looking forward to meeting us.
Being in Sweden, the only way we could “meet” potential surrogates was through Zoom. However, even if we were in the U.S., the likelihood that we would meet potential matches in person is very low, as gestational carriers rarely live close to intended parents (IPs).
Meeting for the first time via Zoom is hard. Meeting the woman who could carry your child for the first time is nerve-racking. Combining both is like the most awkward and important first date of your life.
Despite this, we met, talked for over an hour, and even though the agency representative was on the Zoom call to help navigate the conversation, none of us felt like we needed additional social support. It went well, and we both excitedly decided to move forward together.
I have previously written in more detail about this first match. Like the beginning of any important relationship in your life, there is a “high” and an intensity that comes with the connection. It’s hard to describe, as there is so much excitement and hope.
Then we learned about newborn insurance.
Newborn insurance is what international IPs need if they are having a baby via surrogacy in the U.S. If you live and work in the United States, your child would be immediately covered by your own medical insurance. Even though we are Americans, we live and work in Sweden. We don’t have American health insurance, so we needed to purchase newborn insurance.
We thought this would be straightforward, but it turns out that insurance companies are stricter than the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) when it comes to the criteria for surrogates. Newborn insurance policies require that a surrogate be 40 years old or younger at the time of delivery. ASRM recommends that they be 45 or younger.
Our first potential surrogate was over 40, so we couldn’t get newborn insurance with her. We had no choice but to break the match.
It was heartbreaking. While we didn’t know each other for very long, we were planning on going through a life-changing journey together. It’s the loss of that plan and the future connection we were going to form that is so hard.
However, our agency was great and not long after was ready to introduce us to another potential, younger surrogate. While our first surrogate match was with a single mom, this woman was married. We had no requirement that our surrogate be married or not, but we did want her to have excellent social support, given that we were half a world away.
This matching “date” included her husband, and it was new and fun to talk with them as a couple, seeing their combined love and excitement about helping us become parents. We all agreed to proceed. It was our second match, and we knew newborn insurance would not be an issue this time.
What became an issue was that our surrogate and her husband got pregnant. This was a shock to us and to our agency. Not only did this mean we had to unmatch again, but by the time they became pregnant, we had already been communicating for months while we underwent medical and legal clearance. We had become even closer than we had with our previous surrogate match, so the “breakup” was even more emotional.
Scrambling to find us another match quickly, our agency presented us with a lovely single mom in the Pacific Northwest. However, we didn’t really connect with her, and she lived and worked across the border between Washington and Oregon. This situation complicated the legal processes for our parentage and our return to Sweden if she were to deliver in a state other than the one in which she lived.
At this point, we felt defeated. The matching and unmatching had taken a toll, and we were so delayed from the expected timeline that we thought we should just match with this third option, even if we didn’t feel as strong a connection, and there could be legal hurdles in the future. We just wanted to move forward.
While we were contemplating our third match option, our agency introduced us to a fourth potential. She seemed great. She seemed like everything we could have hoped for, and in meeting her and her husband, the connection was stronger than any we had before. It felt like it was meant to be. It felt right. We matched with our final match.
We have now gone through medical and legal clearance and, unfortunately, our first unsuccessful transfer. However, we were able to travel to Los Angeles and meet her in person for the transfer. This was incredible.
It has been six months since we had our final match, and we have texted and communicated consistently during this time. We know her, her husband, and her children better every day. We are excited for our next transfer and for the rest of the journey with her.
Three lessons learned from our three surrogate matches
I would not want anyone to experience the journey we have had with surrogate matching and unmatching. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, and it has taken years to get to where we are today.
Here are some lessons to help other gay intended dads navigate their own journey and matching.
Newborn insurance: If you are an international IP on a journey in the United States, ensure your clinic’s or agency’s surrogate requirements match those for newborn insurance. International Fertility Insurance is a good place to start to learn about newborn insurance options.
Contraception: Ensure your clinic and agency have strict criteria and clear communication regarding contraception. Having our second match get pregnant with her husband was a real shock and hard to move past.
Don’t rush and trust your gut: We almost went with our third potential surrogate match because we were tired of waiting, even though the connection was not as strong as we would have liked. If we had, we would never have found our fourth and final surrogate, who is incredible.
Surrogacy journeys are long, hard, and rarely straightforward. I hope our story and insights can help make someone else’s journey a little easier.
Final thoughts: Can a friend or family member be your surrogate?
One option that was not open to my husband and me was to have a family member or close friend be our surrogate.
The criteria to become a surrogate in the United States are very strict. One agency stated that only about 1% of their applicants qualified. The women in our family and close friends did not qualify, but what if they did?
Having gone through this process, I can say that it would definitely be easier to start and less of an emotional rollercoaster with someone we already know. The trust, communication, and relationship are already there. It makes sense and could make so much of the process more straightforward.
On the other side, going through this with someone you are already close to could also be very challenging. What if things go wrong? What if something happens to the relationship because of the journey? What if she feels tremendous pressure and it doesn’t work? Would you still be as close as before?
It’s a lot of “what ifs.” At the end of the day, it was not something we could consider. However, for all the younger gays out there, my recommendation is to consider this. If you know you want to be a father, why not talk with your sisters and close friends early on? Obviously, it depends on their own family planning, but having options is never a bad thing. Depending on your personalities and relationship dynamics, it could be perfect to do this journey together. It could bond you even more.
As long as a surrogacy journey is ethical, meaning everyone involved understands, consents fully, and is protected legally, then there is no one “right” way to go about it. However, learn from our challenges, and I hope that you don’t become a surrogate matching and unmatching expert.
Read more from Bryan McColgan
Bryan McColgan, Physician Journalist
Dr. Bryan McColgan is a Stanford and Columbia University-trained physician who is currently on his first journey to fatherhood through surrogacy. Navigating IVF and surrogacy in the United States from his current home in Sweden led Bryan to start the Gay Dad Reporter, the leading online platform dedicated to assisted reproduction for gay intended fathers. His mission is ethical surrogacy for gay intended dads everywhere.
