How Losing My Parents Shaped My Work With Grief – An Interview with Heather Higgins
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
Grief counsellor, coach, and Guided by Grief author draws on both professional training and the personal experience of losing both parents at a young age. Her work challenges the idea that grief follows a predictable path, focusing instead on compassionate, individual support that helps people feel understood rather than pressured to move on.
In this interview, Heather Higgins discusses how loss shaped her career, what grief-informed support looks like in workplaces and schools, and how we can communicate more meaningfully with someone who is grieving.
Heather Higgins, Counsellor & Grief Coach
What first inspired you to turn your personal experience of loss into a career supporting others through grief?
Losing my dad as a child was the experience that shaped so much of who I am. At such a young age, I didn't have the language or understanding to process my grief, and I know firsthand how isolating loss can feel when you're expected to simply carry on. That experience stayed with me throughout my life and eventually became the foundation for my work. Rather than allowing my loss to define me, I chose to let it deepen my compassion and understanding leading me to support others.
As I trained in psychology and counselling and later developed my coaching practice, I realised I could offer something that combines professional expertise with genuine empathy. I understand that grief is not something to "get over" but something we learn to live alongside. Supporting people through loss is a privilege, and helping them rediscover hope, purpose, connection and resilience after life's most difficult moments is the reason I do what I do every day.
What is one misunderstanding about grief that you find yourself addressing most often?
One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it follows a predictable timeline. People often believe they should feel better after a certain number of weeks, months, or years, but grief doesn't work like that. It isn't linear, and there is no finish line. Some days you feel strong, while on others, the loss can feel as raw as it did at the beginning.
Another misunderstanding is how isolating grief can be. Even when you're surrounded by people, it can feel as though no one truly understands what you're experiencing. Many of my clients ask, "Am I doing this right?" The answer is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Every relationship is unique, so every grief journey is too.
My role is to reassure people that their feelings are valid, help them release the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations, and remind them that healing is a unique process.
How has losing both parents at a young age influenced the way you support bereaved clients today?
Losing both of my parents at a young age gave me two very different experiences of grief. My dad died following an illness when I was a child, which brought its own confusion, sadness, and gradual anticipation of loss, even though I didn’t really understand what was happening. Years later, my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly. That loss was completely different. There was no time to prepare, no opportunity to say goodbye, and it left me navigating the shock and trauma alongside my grief.
Those experiences taught me that no two bereavements are ever the same. Even when people have experienced similar losses, the emotions, challenges, and healing process are deeply personal. As a counsellor and coach, I never assume I know exactly how someone feels. Instead, I create a safe, compassionate space where clients can process their grief without judgement or expectations. My own experiences allow me to meet people with empathy, but it is listening to their unique story that guides the support I provide.
Why do you think grief is still a difficult topic for many workplaces and schools to talk about openly?
I believe grief is still difficult to talk about because many people are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Loss makes us confront our own vulnerability, and that can feel deeply uncomfortable. As a result, conversations are often avoided altogether, leaving bereaved individuals feeling unsupported at the very time they need connection the most.
In workplaces and schools, there can also be an unspoken expectation to return to "normal" quickly. While routines are important, grief doesn't disappear because someone has gone back to work or returned to the classroom. When organisations don't acknowledge loss or create space for honest conversations, people can feel isolated, misunderstood, or pressured to hide their emotions.
Creating a culture where grief is recognised with compassion doesn't require having all the answers. Sometimes simply acknowledging someone's loss and being willing to listen can make a profound difference. When we become more comfortable talking about grief, we help bereaved people feel seen, supported, and less alone during one of the most challenging times of their lives.
What separates a grief-informed organisation from one that simply has good intentions?
Good intentions are important, but they are only the starting point. A grief-informed organisation goes beyond compassion by investing in education and training so that leaders, managers, teachers, and colleagues understand how grief can affect people in different ways. Rather than relying on assumptions, they have the knowledge and confidence to respond with empathy, flexibility, and appropriate support.
Grief-informed organisations recognise that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. They understand that grief can affect concentration, decision-making, confidence, attendance, and emotional well-being long after the funeral has passed. They also create policies and cultures that encourage open conversations instead of silence or discomfort.
Education helps remove the fear of saying the wrong thing and replaces it with practical, meaningful support. When people feel understood rather than judged, they are more likely to ask for help, remain engaged, and recover their confidence. Ultimately, a grief-informed organisation creates an environment where people don't have to hide their grief in order to belong or succeed, resulting in employee retention and fewer absences.
When someone wants to support a grieving friend or colleague, what is the most helpful place to start?
The best place to start is simply by showing up. I talk about this subject a lot in my book ‘Guided by Grief’. You don't need the perfect words or all the answers. In fact, one of the greatest gifts you can offer someone who is grieving is your presence. Acknowledge their loss, let them know you're thinking of them, and be willing to listen without trying to fix their pain or make it better.
Many people avoid talking about grief because they're worried they might say the wrong thing, but silence can often feel more painful than an imperfect conversation. Rather than offering clichés or trying to find a silver lining, ask gentle questions such as, "How are you today?" or "What do you need from me right now?" and be prepared to follow their lead.
It's also important to remember that support shouldn't end after the funeral. Grief continues long after everyone else has returned to their daily lives. Checking in weeks or months later can remind someone they haven't been forgotten, and that ongoing support can make a lasting difference.
What practical tool or mindset shift from your book Guided by Grief has resonated most with readers?
One of the themes that has resonated most with readers of Guided by Grief is the feeling of being less alone in their grief. Many people have shared that they found comfort in recognising that their emotions, questions, and even feelings of guilt are a normal part of navigating loss. The reminder that there is no “right” way to grieve and that everyone is doing the best they can with something incredibly difficult has been a powerful message.
Readers have also valued the practical tools and gentle guidance throughout the book and strategies that help them understand the grief process, cope with difficult emotions, and also support others who are grieving. I believe the combination of honest personal experiences, professional counselling knowledge, and different perspectives on grief creates a space that feels compassionate rather than clinical.
My hope was to create something meaningful and relatable: a safe place where people feel understood, can be kinder to themselves, and are reminded that they are not alone. Grief touches every one of us at some point, so I believe these conversations and insights can benefit everyone.
What does compassionate communication look like when someone is facing a significant loss?
Compassionate communication begins with presence, empathy, and a willingness to meet someone where they are. When someone is facing a significant loss, they don't necessarily need us to have the perfect words or to take away their pain; they need to feel heard, seen, and supported. Often, the most meaningful thing we can do is acknowledge their loss, listen without judgement, and allow them the space to express whatever emotions arise.
It means moving away from phrases that unintentionally minimise someone's experience and instead offering simple, genuine reassurance, such as “I’m here for you” or “I’m thinking of you.” It also means understanding that grief can look different from day to day and respecting that everyone processes loss in their own way.
Compassionate communication is about creating safety. It is being comfortable with silence, asking what someone needs, and continuing to show up beyond the immediate aftermath of a loss. A kind conversation, rooted in empathy and patience, can remind someone that they do not have to navigate grief alone.
If there is one message you would like every grieving person to hear, what would it be?
If there is one message I would want every grieving person to hear, it is this: you are not alone, and your experience is valid. Grief can feel incredibly isolating, especially when the emotions you are experiencing feel unexpected or difficult to explain. It is important to remember that there is no one single way to grieve and no two people will experience loss in the same way.
Grief can bring a complicated mix of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and sometimes even relief. These feelings can be surprising and may leave people questioning themselves, but they are all part of the human response to loss. Every emotion is carrying information about your relationship, your experience, and your journey.
You do not need to compare your grief to anyone else’s or feel pressured to move through it in a certain time or way. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Healing does not mean forgetting or leaving someone behind; it means learning to carry your love and your loss as you continue to live.
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