Written by: Irina Costea, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Often times when people approach me for coaching, they come with problems or things that they want Because we live in the century of instant gratification, most of them want quick solutions or quick fixes for certain behaviours, thought patterns, or reactions. And they are surprised when I tell them that QUICK is not a definition of what we are doing in the coaching process to change.
We do have progress, but if you want solutions, you need a consultant, not a coach.
Why do I say that?
Because a coach is here to guide you through a self-discovery path. A coach is not here to TEACH you anything. As a coach, my job is to know where and how to challenge your mindset towards a growth one. My job is to observe, to mirror, and to co-create with you potential winning strategies for you.
Yes, I have tools for these situations that I will definitely share with you, but they are yours to play with, I cannot do this game FOR you.
When it comes to approaching defense mechanisms or beliefs systems that trigger certain behaviours, the conversation gets interesting.
Usually, when we want to change a certain behaviour, we get annoyed with the fact that we are aware that that behaviour is not our desired outcome, and we search for a quick fix. This quick-fix usually translates into something like: “this is the way I am, I react strongly when it comes to invalidation”, “I’ve always been like this: I snap very quickly and I say things that I don’t mean. But this means that I care and this is the way I show you that I love you“.
These are narratives/stories that run through our heads in order to make sense of our reality.
These are the stories that create the ego, that voice that says “I AM”.
When the ego is hyperactivated, we identify ourselves with the stories and beliefs that create our identity. We get attached to those narratives and if someone challenges something what we believe in, we take it personal. Because our brains are wired to protect whatever is familiar for us, whatever we believe.
So in a way, when someone doubts or challenges our opinions/beliefs, it’s a personal attack.
I hear very often: “I know that I shouldn’t be bothered with this ”, “I know what I shouldn’t invest energy in this conversation, but it still affects me and I don’t know why”, “I shouldn’t care about what people say”.
So how do we reframe these beliefs? And what are beliefs?
Beliefs are very simple said, defense mechanisms. They help us make sense of the reality in which we live, and we adjust our behaviours in relation with our beliefs.
So this is the way it goes: a defense mechanism/belief will be activated by certain triggers (situations that your brain finds dangerous, emotionally or physically). These triggers will lead you to respond/act/behave in a certain way.
In order to change a behaviour, we need to go back to the roots, basically going from top to bottom.
First, we become aware of the behaviour. We observe how do we behave and how we would want to behave instead.
Second, we expand awareness, and we gather information about what triggers us. In which situations does this unwanted behavior occur? What are the emotions that lead us to behave in a certain way?
In this second stage, I invite my clients to journal their observations without judging them. This means that you only gather information and you do not label it (“this is stupid, I should not be afraid of this”, “I have no reason/excuse to behave like this”).
And after observing triggers for a while, we uncover the self-defense mechanism, or the core belief that is challenged in certain situations and makes us act in a certain way.
What comes after is the tricky part.
We start the 3rd stage with honouring the self-defense mechanism/belief. For a long time, the role of this self defense mechanism was to stop us from getting into potentially dangerous situations. For a long time, we survived emotionally BECAUSE of this self-defense mechanism.
After we honour and acknowledge it (without judging it), we start to question it (stage 4).
A series of questions can look like this:
Does this self-defense mechanism serve me anymore?
If not, what does it protect me from? (example: shutting down protects me from conflict)
What is the fear behind the mechanism? (example: if I don’t shut down and say what I feel, I will start a conflict)
When was the mechanism formed? (example: when I was a child)
What did it protect at the time? (example: it protected me from getting into conflict, which often led to me feeling invalidated, not safe, and/or in a dysregulated mood )
Which belief emerged from this mechanism? (example: it’s not safe to express my emotions; expressing myself never gets me anywhere)
In order to influence a process, we first need to know the process. We need to know what the self-defense mechanism protects, when it was formed, and why, in order to get a helicopter view of what leads to our present behaviours.
Why? Because usually, we react to our past, not to our present. When we get triggered, our brains and bodies are basically warning us: “do not go there, it’s not safe. You are going to be hurt; you’ve been here before, you know the outcome.”
What do we do from here?
With the help of a therapist or a coach, we reframe (stage 5) and rewire our brains to learn that we are safe. A well-trained therapist or coach will have the necessary tools to help you do this. By all means, do your research before you choose someone with which you want to go down the healing road.
By accessing memory through a visualization, with an emotional body scan (how does the memory feel in the body, where do we feel that emotion, how does it look, what does it protect), we unlock the trapped emotions.
Unprocessed emotions leave traces in the body. By getting those emotions back into our awareness, we can process them in a safe environment.
When you access memory in this way, the memory is vulnerable for the next 15-20 minutes. The brain does not know the difference between a memory and a present situation if we have unprocessed emotions. If we access it, we are going to relive the memory at the same intensity, with the same feelings/emotions.
This is our opportunity to recreate a new outcome. By processing the emotion in a safe environment, we let the brain know that it’s safe to respond in a different way from which we did until now.
This will probably be an intense process. Usually, there are tears, there are anxieties resurfacing, and full-blown ups. But being in a safe environment with a therapist or a coach, can help you process your emotions in a different way.
And slowly, but steady, you can reboot your brain (thanks, neuroplasticity) into putting a space between trigger and response. This is where the growth lies, as Viktor Frankl said in his book “Man’s search for meaning”.
In order to be able to put that space, you need to understand the whole process and to act compassionately towards yourself. It takes practice and a lot of trial and error to rewrite paths that you walked on most of your life.
In this process of transformation and healing, “go big or go home” doesn’t work.
Small everyday progress it’s what will get you far in this journey. Because we are not used to be patient anymore, and we need to cultivate this skill.
We live in the world of instant gratification, where everything can be delivered to us in an instant: information, distractions, everything that gets us away from discomfort.
Irina Costea, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Irina Costea is a Transformational & NeuroMindfulness Coach® and a former HR Professional. After a severe postpartum depression scattered with suicidal thoughts, Irina discovered Positive Psychology and the power of coaching. Once enrolled in the coaching school, she soon realized that her personal mission is to help other people unlock their true potential through practices of neuroscience and mindfulness. She believes that only by mapping and following your fears and blockages you can live authentically. Because only when you use them as your stepping stones you can connect to yourself again. Costea has been trained as a Coach at CoachVille, one of the first coaching schools in the world, and as a NeuroMindfulness® Practitioner at the NeuroMindfulness® Institute. She also worked as a Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist for one of the biggest travel platforms in the world.
