How Confidence Works and Why It's About Mastery, Self-Trust, and Growth
Dr. Erin Oksol. "The Success Psychologist" and founder of The Higher Life, is an expert in the psychology of success and helps evolve the human behind the business. She is the best-selling author of the book Mind Your Own Business, a keynote speaker, high-performance mentor, and host of the Oh How Human of Me Podcast on Substack.
We were gathered for family dinner, plating a round of “What’s your favorite?” You know, asking each other questions like, “What’s your favorite color, animal, place you’d like to visit?”
That night, I asked everyone, “What’s your favorite thing about yourself?”
Emily said, “I’ll go first. My favorite thing about myself is I’m the kindest person I know.” Zachary said, “My favorite thing about me is I am really good at soccer!” Grace said, “My most favorite thing about myself is, put me in any environment, and I will thrive.” (Hello, eldest daughter!)
I was stunned. Such beautiful things to say about oneself. And I realized, wow, we raise confident children!
As a high-performance psychologist, the most common desire the women I mentor have is they want to be more confident. Truly, they want a little bit of Emily, Zachary, and Grace in their self-assessment. They want to: 1) like who they are; 2) master their craft; and 3) count on themselves to figure things out.
When we study high performers, they have statistically high joy, engagement, and CONFIDENCE. But most understand the concept entirely wrong. And it’s not their fault. Most of us have been told to recite silly affirmations to ourselves in a mirror, like “I am a millionaire!” or “I love everything about my body,” and the shame spiral begins. Toxic positivity is pushed our way, telling us to just think positive. “Don’t think negative. Tell yourself nothing bad is going to happen.” Shame enters again. And hopelessness from being disappointed yet again.
In The Higher Life, I mentor women who understand success is an identity process. They know their level of income and impact will rarely exceed their self-concept and level of self-trust.
“But how?” The most common question I hear. “How can I trust myself to keep the promises I make to myself?” “How can I believe in myself and my future?” It’s actually SO simple. And so, so powerful.
There are two definitions of confidence in adulthood that, when understood, give the exact directions for how to grow one’s trust and belief in oneself.
The first definition of confidence is: “The ability to figure things out.” When I first wanted to become a paid keynote speaker, I wasn’t confident I was a great speaker, but I was confident I could figure out how to be a great speaker. My first hire was a speaking coach. I spoke 44 times that first year and now I speak all over the United States.
You aren’t supposed to be confident in the outcome, you are being asked to be confident in your ability to figure things out. To trust that you are resourceful and can learn new things.
One of the greatest ways to grow your confidence is to grow your COMPETENCE. Learning how to give a great keynote and enroll my ideal clients from the stage made me much more confident to do so.
My favorite psychological principle I love teaching is this, “Behave your way to different thinking, instead of trying to think your way to different behaving.”
I didn't become confident that I was a great speaker through some mindset technique. I went and learned a skill, did the behavior, and my confidence grew as a result. The second definition of confidence is: “I trust myself (I confide in myself) to keep the promises I make to myself.”
Put simply, do you do what you say you’re going to do? Are you the woman you say you want to be? If not, it’s going to be impossible to be confident. If one is behaving in ways that are out of alignment with their values, it will be impossible to have self-trust and/or high self-esteem.
You might be saying now, “Dr. Erin…this!! This is why I’m not confident! Because I’m not disciplined!”
Well, good news. Just like one can learn how to be a great speaker, one can learn to be disciplined. If you want mentorship on that, let’s talk!
So, in a nutshell, growing one’s confidence is kind of like how our three kids answered the question at dinner: 1) you learn to like yourself; 2) you skill up and become a master at your craft; and 3) you trust that you will figure things out.
Dr. Erin Oksol, High Performance Psychologist, Speaker, Author
Dr. Erin Oksol is an expert in the psychology of success and human optimization. She blends science and spirituality to help visionary leaders create a business and life sourced from their truth. She founded The Higher Life, where high performance is informed by and co-created with one's highest self and higher power. Her mission is "to set the captives free", freed from any limitations and freed to live with purpose, peace, and prosperity.
