Helping Your Children Prepare for the Arrival of Twins
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 10
- 8 min read
Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with over 15 years of experience working with twins and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
If you already have children, preparing them for the arrival of their new twin siblings is important. While all children need preparation before a new baby joins the family, when it comes to twins and multiples, the scene can look a bit different. Preparation varies from family to family, depending on the age and number of children you already have. There are logistics related to the house and family routine to consider, as well as emotional preparation for the little ones. So, let’s break this down a bit.
Multiples capture everyone’s attention, and it’s understandable. Therefore, talk with your extended family and friends about proactively showering your older children with affection to buffer the attention imbalance they will likely experience in the early weeks and months after the birth.
Twins and multiples often arrive earlier than their due date. For that reason, preparation should begin early enough to help the children ease into the new family dynamic with ample time. The emphasis in the preparation process is on parents’ time management and understanding the limitations of attention division and reduced mobility (due to recovering from birth and holding one or more babies). Additionally, it is good to prepare for a longer postpartum nesting, as getting out and about with multiples is more cumbersome than with a singleton newborn.
Preparing toddlers for twins (1-4 years old)
Preparing very young toddlers (under the age of 2) will require a greater emotional investment from you and your family. Focus on giving them attention whenever possible, and be aware of triggers for tantrums and strong reactions to disappointment, as their ability to grasp the changes is limited. That said, most of the advice below will also apply to them in varying degrees.
If your toddler is over 2.5 years old, chances are they are somewhat verbal and probably quite attached to you. While toddlers crave independence and autonomy, they still rely heavily on our physical support to achieve their goals, not to mention intense supervision as they periodically test boundaries and experiment with new motor skills.
Verbal preparation is essential, and by that, I mean beginning to talk with the toddler about babies. What do babies do and need? How is that different from their needs as big kids? You can introduce books about being a big brother or sister, so you can further engage your toddler in the world of being an older sibling.
Tell your toddler that new babies will be joining the family and that they will be their little brothers or sisters. What do older siblings do? How can they help? You can also engage in pretend play with dolls, so things begin to feel more real, especially since there will be more than one baby. Talk with them about toys that are going to be for the babies and toys that will be just theirs, which they won’t have to share. You can also invite them to give the new babies toys they no longer use as a present, as you prepare the nursery and the babies' belongings (although be prepared for them to change their mind later, and we should allow them to take their toys back).
You can also involve your toddler in the process of getting ready by explaining how you will need to help the babies feed, dress, sleep, bathe, etc. They can be invited to make decisions with you, such as choosing clothes, baby gear, bedding, and toys to feel included (this is applicable for older children, too). If they lose interest or begin to express anger, leave it there. They don’t have to be excited about the upcoming changes. Let them know that even though the babies will need your support, having new babies isn’t going to change how much you love them.
As your pregnancy progresses, you will be less agile and mobile. Talk about these limitations with your toddler. Find new activities you can do with them that don’t require a lot of movement, such as arts and crafts, puzzles, reading books, gentle play with their dolls, etc. Your toddler will probably have some emotional reactions to your limitations, which is understandable. Discuss with your partner or support person (such as your parents or siblings, if they are around to help) about them taking a more active part in engaging with the toddler in activities you won’t be able to do during the pregnancy and postpartum.
Invite your toddler for cuddles as much as you can, to proactively fill up their emotional tanks, and remind them that you love them and miss doing all these fun things you can’t do at this point. Assure them that you will do more with them as soon as you can. While patience isn’t a toddler’s virtue, managing expectations, focusing on what you can do, and acknowledging how these changes can be hard for them to adjust to is key in helping them process their feelings.
It’s also a good idea to plan ahead and outsource support if necessary for daycare drop-offs and pick-ups. You may not be able to do these activities in the later stages of the pregnancy (or if you require bed rest, or babies arrive earlier than expected), nor early in postpartum. If you will need to stay a while at the hospital and/or at the NICU, planning for your children’s care is essential.
If you give birth abdominally (with a C-section), driving will not be possible in the first 6 weeks. Therefore, arrangements for car rides (i.e., daycare, school, groceries, etc.) are best planned beforehand.
Breastfeeding your toddler
If you are still breastfeeding, it can be a good idea to wean your toddler before the babies arrive. Breastfeeding while pregnant with multiples can pose risks to the pregnancy (ask your obstetrician how breastfeeding may impact your pregnancy). Many women want to take a break from breastfeeding before the arrival of the babies to let their bodies rest a little and have a physical as well as a mental break between the new phases in their parenthood. Furthermore, the milk composition will change to prepare your body for feeding newborns, which will not suit your toddler (and oftentimes they don't like the change in taste).
Additionally, weaning your toddler off the breast will help them feel less envious of the babies. The earlier you start the process, the easier it will be for them to make peace with the changes, and later with seeing their new siblings feed. They will be able to understand better the difference between babies being small and them being big, and how the breast was not taken from them to be given to the babies.
Sleeping arrangements
If you plan to move your toddler into a big bed, it's a good idea to make the transition early. Disassemble their crib or cot and store it away. Reassemble it in the presence of the toddler to talk about the bed being prepared for the babies. That way, they will feel less resentful of thinking the babies are “taking their bed from them.” If you are co-sleeping and plan to change this sleeping arrangement when the babies arrive, it’s a good idea to start the process with time to help your toddler adjust to the new sleeping routine and, again, not feel as if the babies are taking their sleep space with you.
Important to note: If your toddler is under the age of 3, it’s best to keep them in their crib or cot. Transitioning to a big bed before the age of 3 (especially due to the arrival of new babies) is often unsuccessful and can result in a sleep regression and tedious trips back and forth between their bed and yours. You can read about transitioning to big beds in my blog post How to Transition Twins to Big Beds.
Preparing older children for twins
Talking with your preschoolers and school-age children is easier on the logical side, and much of the above applies to them, too. Yet, putting a plan in place for talking with them about the upcoming changes, how they can help with the babies (and/or toddlers), and how these changes will affect them, can help manage expectations.
If you can, try to arrange times to spend with each older child during the week. While with toddlers this can be more regular, such as during bath and bedtime, finding times during the week to spend with each child can help them face the decrease in your attention and availability with more ease. Whether helping with homework, talking about their day in the evening, going to their sports events, or inviting them for a stroll (even with one or two babies) can significantly help them feel included and valued.
When the twins arrive
As mentioned above, the social interest in twins is understandable and expected. People’s reactions to twins can make your singleton children feel that being twins is more special than being singletons. For that reason, helping your children navigate comments and confusing feelings derived from these kinds of interactions can support their adjustment process to being older siblings to twins.
Involving your children, whether toddlers or older, in the daily happenings of the babies can help ease the tension. Ask for their help with diaper changes, bathing, feeding (either with bottles or fetching burp cloths), loading and unloading the laundry machine, and dressing the babies. When your children can feel that the new babies are also, in a way, “theirs” (which they are, they are their siblings), they will be better able to process the new feelings of jealousy, anger, frustration, disappointment, and others.
Moreover, involving them in the babies’ care routines will provide opportunities for them to bond with each baby. It can help defuse the mental image that twins are a set that is always together. They can thus learn that they can socialize with just one at a time and find special things to do with each.
Bear in mind that gender differences can influence your children’s bonding process with the twins. It is natural for children to want to bond with babies based on similarities or differences, and mindful conversations are helpful in this instance. Pressuring children to like their siblings doesn’t yield positive outcomes. Offer opportunities for each child to spend time with each baby so they can get to know them on their own terms and in their own time.
While the transition into a twin family is usually accompanied by some bumps and hiccups until everyone learns the ropes, finding strategies as a family to meet everyone’s needs (big and small) can help you go through the changes together and find your rhythm in the new family dynamic.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
