Grief as a Portal to Self-Love and Transforming Heartbreak into Wholeness
- Brainz Magazine
- 4 hours ago
- 6 min read
Bernadette Hall is a therapist, coach, and social worker with 15+ years’ experience in grief, loss, intimacy, and mindset. Founder of Grief Warriors and host of Bernadette Hall Talks, she guides women through sacred 1:1 mentorships to transform pain into power through ritual, embodiment, and soul-led healing.
Grief, whether from death, divorce, or heartbreak, often feels like an insurmountable loss, leaving us feeling empty and broken. Yet, what if grief isn't an end, but rather an initiation into something deeper? In this article, we explore how grief can serve as a portal to self-love, inviting us to rediscover our wholeness. Through mindful practices and embodied rituals, we can transform heartbreak into a path of healing and self-compassion, ultimately learning that love, in its truest form, begins with ourselves.
The night grief broke me open
It was 2 AM, and the silence was deafening. My chest felt heavy, as though love itself had slipped through my fingers. Whether through death, divorce, or heartbreak, we all know that moment. The moment the world feels unfamiliar because the person we loved is no longer beside us.
I thought my story was over. What I didn’t know then is that grief and heartbreak aren’t the end of love. They are an initiation into a deeper kind of love, the love we so often forget: self-love.
Why we suffer in silence
In our culture, we’re taught to “move on,” to “be strong,” to package grief neatly and hide heartbreak as quickly as possible. Men are told to toughen up. Women are told to keep smiling, keep giving, keep showing up.
The unspoken message is: your grief makes others uncomfortable, so silence it.
But when we silence grief, we silence love. We abandon ourselves at the very moment we need ourselves most.
Psychological research confirms that unresolved grief and unprocessed heartbreak can lead to complicated grief, depression, and reduced well-being (Shear et al., 2011). Suppression does not heal, it deepens wounds.
What if instead of rushing through grief, we honored it?
What if heartbreak wasn’t a failure but a doorway into becoming more whole?
The body remembers what the mind forgets
Grief is not just an emotion. It is a physical experience. Tightness in the chest. An ache in the gut. A weight pressing down on the shoulders.
Somatic psychology emphasizes that the body “remembers” trauma and loss even when the mind seeks to move on (van der Kolk, 2014). This is why we can feel heartbreak in our bones long after the initial loss.
When we ignore grief, the body holds it for us. When we slow down and listen, the body shows us how to release.
This is where self-love begins: not as an idea or affirmation, but as an embodied practice. Self-love is remembering that your body, your heart, and your spirit all deserve care, especially in the ache of loss.
Reframing grief: From ending to initiation
Here is the reframe that changes everything:
Grief and heartbreak are not the end of love.
They are the portal to discovering love within.
Every tear you cry is proof of your capacity to love deeply. Every sleepless night is evidence that your heart has stretched itself wide enough to carry oceans.
This is not a weakness. This is initiation.
Researchers note that grief often catalyses post-traumatic growth, the process where individuals find deeper meaning, purpose, and inner strength after loss (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2006). In other words, grief can expand us.
When love in the form of a partner, a parent, or a relationship is taken away, it can feel like we are empty. But emptiness is space. And space is the place where self-love can grow.
Five practices to begin again
Here are five embodied, inclusive practices you can begin today to transform grief into self-love:
1. Sit with your grief and give yourself a hug
Instead of distracting yourself, give your heartbreak a hug. Sit down, place your arms around you, hug yourself, and say: “I’m here. I will not leave you.”
When heartbreak is acknowledged, it begins to soften.
Mindfulness research supports this: meeting emotions with non-judgmental presence reduces suffering and increases resilience (Kabat-Zinn, 1990). There is also a recent trend on TikTok, “give yourself a hug,” especially if you have some unmet needs and or feel abandoned in your heartache.
2. Mirror ritual
Stand before a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Whisper: “I love you. I will not abandon you.” Repeat three times.
Self-compassion practices like this one have been shown to lower anxiety, improve emotional well-being, and build resilience during difficult times (Neff & Germer, 2013).
3. Releasing ceremony
Write down what you are ready to release a memory, an expectation, a name. Burn it safely, or tear it into small pieces. Say: “I release you with love. I return to myself.”
Ritual is a universal human practice. Anthropological research shows that symbolic actions (like fire ceremonies or written release) help the brain mark transitions, supporting emotional closure (Turner, 1969).
4. Call in archetypal support
Throughout history, humans have leaned on archetypes and deities in times of suffering. You might connect with Athena (wisdom through grief), Aphrodite (the beauty of love), or Freya (the fire of reclamation). You don’t need to believe in them literally; see them as energies to embody.
Jungian psychology suggests that archetypes serve as mirrors of the collective human experience, offering pathways to healing by helping us connect with universal patterns of resilience and meaning (Jung, 1968).
Ask: “Which quality do I need most today: wisdom, beauty, or strength?”
5. Journal your becoming
Each day, write:
“What grief has taught me today is”
“If self-love was holding me right now, it would feel like”
“One way I can care for myself this week is”
Expressive writing has been found to reduce symptoms of emotional distress and promote meaning-making after trauma (Pennebaker, 1997).
Journaling makes the invisible visible. It helps you see the love you’re rebuilding inside yourself.
Self-love is universal
Self-love is not gendered. It is not reserved for the spiritual or the soft-hearted. It is a human necessity.
Men grieve. Women grieve. All humans grieve. And at the root of that grief is the same longing: to feel loved, safe, and whole again.
Self-love is not selfish. It is the foundation for every other relationship in our lives. Without it, we repeat patterns of abandonment, toxicity, and overgiving. With it, we begin to thrive.
From loss to renewal
When I look back on my darkest moments of grief, I no longer see them as the end of love. I see them as the beginning of a deeper relationship with myself.
I learned that love does not die. It changes form.
I learned that self-love is not a cliché, but the medicine for every human heart.
I learned that grief is not an enemy. It is a teacher, a guide, and yes, a goddess in disguise.
Closing embodied invitation
If you are grieving, heartbroken, or simply feeling unloved, pause tonight. Light a candle. Place your hand on your heart. Say:
“I am love. I am whole. I will not abandon myself.”
Notice how your body responds. Notice the shift, however small. This is the first step back to you.
Grief is not where your story ends. It is where your self-love begins.
And if you’d like to be held in community as you walk this path, I invite you to join my free Return to Love Skool membership. Inside, you’ll find monthly rituals, self-love practices, and a circle of souls walking the same journey from heartbreak back into wholeness.
Read more from Bernadette Hall
Bernadette Hall, Grief, Loss and Intimacy Specialist
Bernadette Hall is a qualified coach, therapist, and social worker with over 15 years of experience in grief, loss, intimacy, mindset, parenting, and mental health. She is the founder of Grief Warriors and creator of Grieve with the Goddess, a six-month 1:1 mentorship guiding women through sacred, embodied grief work. Holding a Master’s in Social Work and advanced training in therapeutic coaching and integrative psychotherapy, Bernadette blends psychology, ritual, and somatic healing to support deep transformation. She also hosts the Bernadette Hall Talks podcast, where she shares soulful reflections on emotional resilience, feminine healing, and the power of grief alchemy.
If you’d like to dive deeper into the psychology, embodiment, and rituals that support grief and self-love, here are some recommended works:
Calhoun, L.G. & Tedeschi, R.G. (2006). Handbook of Posttraumatic Growth: Research and Practice.
Explores how people find new strength and meaning after grief or trauma.
Jung, C.G. (1968). The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious.
A classic work on archetypes, symbols, and how they shape human healing.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living.
A foundational text on mindfulness for healing stress, pain, and emotional suffering.
Neff, K.D. & Germer, C.K. (2013). The Mindful Self-Compassion Program (Journal of Clinical Psychology).
Evidence-based practices showing how self-compassion improves resilience and wellbeing.
Pennebaker, J.W. (1997). Writing about Emotional Experiences as a Therapeutic Process (Psychological Science).
Research on how journaling supports healing after emotional trauma.
Shear, M.K. et al. (2011). Complicated Grief and Related Bereavement Issues for DSM-5 (Depression and Anxiety).
Clinical research into the psychological impact of unresolved grief.
Turner, V. (1969). The Ritual Process: Structure and Anti-Structure.
Anthropological insights into how ritual creates meaning during life transitions.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.
A groundbreaking exploration of how trauma and grief live in the body, and how to heal them.
