Grace & Compassion – Embracing Ourselves Through Mistakes And Black-Or-White Thinking
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 18, 2024
- 7 min read
Updated: Jul 19, 2024
Amparo Penny is a licensed clinician and health and mindset coach, who helps people stop obsessing about food and their bodies and get their sanity back. She helps people end black or white thinking around food and exercise and change their mindset to developing healthy habits FOR LIFE.
We all make mistakes; it's part of being human. When we stumble, though, our natural response is to punish ourselves for the mistakes, criticizing our actions and doubting our self-worth. As the saying goes, “we are our own worst enemy.” This harsh self-judgment can lead to a cycle of negative thinking, affecting our mental and emotional well-being, especially if we are beginning or adjusting our path to health.
When we embark on a journey to change our health habits, we generally set our expectations high, fueled by the excitement of starting something new. We envision a perfect path to our goals, free from deviations and setbacks. While setting ambitious goals can be motivating, it can also set us up for black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking patterns. This perfectionist mindset can make us feel like we've failed completely if we deviate even slightly from our goals of balanced eating habits or maintaining a regular exercise routine. It can lead to extreme behaviors like restriction or over-exercising to compensate, which can sabotage our health goals, self-confidence, and well-being.
The black-and-white mindset can keep us stuck in a vicious cycle of creating high expectations, followed by blaming ourselves when we are unable to maintain them when life’s throws us an obstacle. Instead of repeating this cycle of guilt and shame, what if we approached our mistakes with grace & compassion instead?
Grace & compassion: Our best friends in personal growth
Mistakes and obstacles remind us that we are human, which is not an easy concept to accept at first. Embracing this fact with grace allows us to accept our imperfections and learn from our experiences. Compassion helps us to see mistakes as opportunities for growth and treat ourselves with kindness instead of punishment.
Grace is often defined as “unmerited favor or kindness”. It involves offering understanding and forgiveness even when it's not necessarily deserved. In the context of health and personal growth, grace means giving ourselves permission to be imperfect and make mistakes without judging ourselves harshly. It’s about acknowledging our worth and value and treating ourselves with the same gentleness and patience that we would offer to a loved one.
Grace involves accepting ourselves just as we are, even when we don't meet the health expectations we've set. It’s recognizing that no one is perfect and that our perceived flaws don’t define our worth. Perfection doesn’t exist so setting our expectations too high sets us up for failure because those expectations are unattainable. It’s the practice of accepting ourselves in our entirety, rather than only when we meet certain standards. Acceptance does not mean that we must agree or like something; it can be accepted as a fact without liking it. Grace also includes being patient with our progress and understanding that change and growth take time. It’s allowing ourselves the space to develop at our own pace without undue pressure.
Compassion is the deep awareness of the suffering of others (or ourselves) and the desire to alleviate it. When directed towards ourselves, it means recognizing our own challenges and struggles, and responding with kindness and a desire to help ourselves. Compassion involves understanding that pain and suffering are part of the human experience and offering ourselves comfort and care in difficult times.
Compassion starts with empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. In self-compassion, this entails recognizing and accepting our own pain and struggles without ignoring or repressing them. Compassionate self-care involves treating ourselves with kindness rather than self-criticism or punishment. It means offering supportive and encouraging words to ourselves, much like we would to a loved one. Compassion also requires mindfulness, which is being aware of our thoughts and feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them or judging them. It’s about observing our experiences with a balanced perspective, recognizing our suffering without getting lost in it.
How can we approach our health goals with grace & compassion?
Pursuing and maintaining health goals involves overcoming numerous challenges. We often face obstacles like setting overly high expectations, fluctuating motivation, conflicting information from media, and the desire for quick or intense results. When we face these roadblocks, we often feel tempted to blame and punish ourselves simply for being human, which only exacerbates feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Rather than berating ourselves for natural errors, we can practice grace by accepting ourselves as imperfect and compassion by understanding that challenges and discomfort are part of the growth process. We can reflect on what went wrong with a kind heart and consider how to improve moving forward without harsh criticism or judgment.
When struggling with a roadblock such as fluctuating motivation, grace allows us to accept that challenges are a part of life, and compassion helps us to soothe ourselves through the process. It’s about recognizing our efforts and giving ourselves credit for trying, even if the outcome wasn’t what we expected. When we set health goals and expectations for ourselves, grace helps us accept that we may not always meet them, which is okay. Compassion encourages us to respond to unmet expectations with kindness and a commitment to continue moving forward, rather than giving up or punishing ourselves.
When we show ourselves grace, we interrupt the cycle of negative self-talk. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, we can focus on what we can learn and how we can grow. We can also practice acceptance with ourselves and recognize that motivation ebbs and flows. Compassionate self-reflection fosters a healthier mindset and builds resilience. It reminds us of what we are grateful for instead of focusing on our flaws.
When we approach challenges with a growth mindset, we shift our mindset to see our roadblocks as stepping stones to success. Grace & compassion are essential in cultivating this mindset, as they encourage us to embrace challenges and persist in the face of setbacks. Grace & compassion are important when we expect perfection or quick results when we set new goals for ourselves.
Grace & compassion in the face of black-or-white thinking
Black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking is a common cognitive distortion that can impact our relationship with food and our overall health. This mindset starts out with an expectation of perfection, followed by feeling like we've failed if we stray even slightly from our regular habits. It can lead to extreme behaviors like restriction or over-exercising to compensate, which can sabotage our health goals and well-being.
When we veer outside our regular eating or exercise habits due to unforeseen circumstances, it's crucial to respond with grace & compassion rather than harsh self-judgment. Here are some tips to practice grace & compassion when we encounter black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking patterns:
Awareness is the first step. Notice when you're slipping into black-or-white thinking, expecting perfect adherence to your new routine. Remind yourself that one meal or one day doesn’t define your entire health journey. It’s important to remember that you are creating health habits that you will maintain for years to come, so an occasional deviation from your plan is not the end of the world. Motivation will ebb and flow, which is natural and expected; instead of beating yourself up when your motivation fluctuates, remind yourself that fluctuations are a normal part of the journey; your varying motivation levels do not equate to failure.
Avoid overcompensation such as food restriction or excessive exercise when you experience a regular setback on your health journey. We often adopt an "on the wagon/off the wagon" mentality regarding our health goals, which reflects black-and-white thinking and leads to a cycle of inconsistency. When we feel we have “gone off the rails” or “off the wagon” with our health journey, this can create an urgent need to "start fresh” and over-correct the behavior, causing us to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction. This often results in food restriction, excessive exercise, or other compensatory behaviors. What if we eliminated the "wagon mindset," where any misstep is seen as a failure requiring a complete restart, and focused on continual progress instead? Trust that building consistent health habits over time is more effective than extreme, short-term measures.
Focus on slow and gradual progress towards your health goals, not speed or perfection. Health is a journey, not a destination. Each day is an opportunity to make small and sustainable choices that align with your health goals. Celebrate your small steps and learn from your challenges with grace and compassion. Growth and change take time and does not take a linear path. Every deviation from your plan is a chance to understand your triggers and responses better. Use these insights to adjust your sustainable health habits.
Our health journey is a lifelong adventure filled with natural bumps along the way. These challenges don’t signify failure; they simply remind us of our humanity. It's important to resist the urge to "start over on Monday" or overcompensate through restriction or excessive exercise. Instead, by embracing grace & compassion, we can navigate these bumps with a balanced mindset, continually progressing towards our health goals without undue pressure or self-judgment.
Showing ourselves grace & compassion isn't about ignoring our mistakes or letting ourselves off the hook. It's about recognizing that we are all works in progress, deserving of love and understanding. By incorporating grace & compassion into our lives, we build a foundation of self-respect and understanding on our health journey. This approach not only enhances our emotional well-being but also fosters a more resilient and positive mindset, enabling us to pursue our health goals with confidence and kindness. By being kinder to ourselves, we create a foundation for personal growth, emotional well-being, and a more fulfilling life. Next time you find yourself being hard on yourself, remember: Grace & Compassion are your best friends. Invite them into your life and watch as they transform your mindset, one fabulous step at a time.
Amparo Penny, Health and Mindset Clini-Coach©️
Amparo Penny is a licensed clinician and health and mindset coach, who helps people stop obsessing about food and their bodies and get their sanity back. She helps people end black or white thinking around food and exercise and change their mindset to developing healthy habits FOR LIFE. This was what helped to end her 20+ year battle with her body, yo-yo dieting, and using exercise as punishment. And now it's her mission to help others end this battle and find food freedom!
