Feeling Stuck? You're Missing One Of These Key Things
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 23, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 24, 2022
Written by: Dr. Tonia Winchester, Executive Contributor Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I recently asked a new client, “Tell me… what do you want?” She gave me a big list: “I don’t want to be so tired and anxious. I don’t want to keep getting pulled back into my old stressful memories. I’m sick of all my worries keeping me up at night. I want to stop feeling so sad all the time. I want to be less reactive and irritable with my family. I’m triggered by every small thing and I don’t like how it makes me act towards them.”
At face value, it’s a good list. She’s certainly clear on something, but she didn’t answer my question at all. Did you notice that? She only told me what she doesn’t want. She coherently knows and can explain what she's moving away from.
This is a typical stuck pattern that I see with clients when I first meet them.
And we all know how easy it can be to stay stuck in old patterns that block us from moving forward and that rob us of the joy and energy we’re seeking.
What you might not know consciously, but as soon as you read it in a moment, you’ll likely agree with, is that you didn’t come out of the womb with these patterns. That means that you learned them at some point in your life, didn’t you? That’s true for everybody.
Imagine a world where old, unhelpful patterns could be UNlearned, and new affirming patterns could be learned easily so that you could create healthy habits for your own well-being, your communication and relating, and even your financial success.
What would the ability to learn new patterns open up for you in your life?
As a brain-based coach, I know exactly what it takes to unlearn old, stuck patterns and learn NEW ones, and it’s actually easier than you may think!
My client was having a hard time focusing on a positive future. I can appreciate that because that used to be me and I see it in so many clients. It can be difficult to imagine happy times down the way, especially when there has been so much negativity in the past. Those old patterns carry a lot of inertia, like a well-worn groove on a dirt road; it can be hard to break free of them.
My client is doing the exact opposite of the three things required for easy change. It’s not her fault! Most of what she is doing is completely unconscious and under the surface of her awareness.
Let's go through each one so you can gain the needed awareness about the…
Three Pillars of Change
1. CLEAR THE PAST (CLEARING)
She is carrying a lot of baggage from her past and hasn’t dealt with it effectively. As a result, the big things from her back then are triggering her to react to little things in her present day.
She has to clear unresolved emotions and significant events out of the past if she wants to move forward. There are many ways to do this, but frankly, the quickest way I’ve found after being in the transformation business for 15+ years is called “Timeline Therapy ®,” which is the work I do with my clients.
I’m trained to use very specific words and phrases to communicate directly with the unconscious mind, where all learning, change, and healing happens. Essentially the work changes how the unconscious mind remembers and re-codes your memories of the past so that they no longer impact your current day-to-day. It’s fast, gentle, and effective. My clients let go of negative emotions easily and effortlessly, and you can too, can’t you?
2. TAKE NEW ACTIONS (CHOICE)
My client’s second problem is that she’s not taking any new action. She keeps doing the same things over and over. You probably know that if you keep doing what you’re doing you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting.
Change can seem like pushing a boulder up a hill if we haven’t taken the first step of clearing the past. As long as there is still a neurological link to what happened in your life, new actions seem almost impossible. That’s why clearing is the first pillar of change.
James Clear writes in the book Atomic Habits, “You learn what to do in the future based on what you were rewarded for doing (or punished for doing) in the past.”
The unconscious mind will efficiently choose the path of least resistance. Consequently, change of any kind is uncomfortable, especially if you are still carrying baggage from your past.
The second pillar of change is to take massive (or consistent) new action. Change requires change. You have to DO things differently if you want things to be different.
3. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT (CONSCIOUSNESS)
The third problem keeping my client stuck is that she is focused on everything she doesn’t want. To make easy changes, you need to focus on what you DO want.
It makes sense why we’d be inclined to focus on our problems because then we’re going to find a solution, right?
Here’s the clincher. Focusing on your problems is the best way to stay stuck in them, neurologically speaking.
Nerves that fire together wire together. The more you think about your problem, the more you’ll have a problem to think about.
Remember the well-worn groove in the dirt road? That’s the neural habit of focusing on your problems. You’re just making those neural grooves deeper and deeper, strengthening the tendencies for all the things you’re trying to get away from.
The brain can’t process negatives, so when you focus on not being tired, for example, all your mind hears is the command to be tired!
Focusing on what you don’t want is easy with a past full of baggage which is also why clearing the past is the first pillar of change. When we clear the past, it makes it easier to focus on all the good things that you actually DO want.
All three of these pillars ‒ clearing, choice, and consciousness ‒ work together. Let's look at what happens when you only have 2 of the 3:
When you have Choice and Consciousness:
With these two pillars in place, you’re focusing on what you want and you are taking massive action to get there. You feel powerful and in control of everything. You know where you’re going. From the outside, it looks like you've got your stuff together. But it’s all smoke and mirrors. Inside, you're tormented by stress and anxiety because you haven’t cleared your past. Your past is still running the show without your awareness. You may be focused on and taking action on things that you don’t even want but were taught to want. You might not even know what you want until you unshackle yourself from the programming of your past.
When you Clearing and Consciousness:
When you clear the past and focus on what you want, you’ll see peace. You get a calm, centred mind. It feels pretty good. But you’re living in dreamland and are only creating your goals in your fantasies, not reaching them in reality. That’s because you’re not actually making progress since you’re not taking new actions. Your internal world has shifted, but if I were watching a movie of your life, I’d still see you in the opening scene as if no change has happened. You need to do things differently if you want to experience things differently.
When you have Clearing and Choice:
When you’ve cleared the past and are taking massive actions, then you’ll feel really good for a short while. You’re checking things off the list and getting that sweet hit of dopamine that helps you feel like you’re making progress. You might even feel a sense of release and lightness since the past is no longer weighing you down. You may even start taking care of yourself. But what are you working towards? Where are you going? It’s sort of like throwing self-care spaghetti at the wall. You’re unfocused and because of that, you’re not seeing consistent positive results, which makes it really hard to stay motivated and disciplined. You must focus on what you want so you have something to move towards.
We need all three pillars for lasting and happy change.
Not just for us but for the people around us. The people we love. And heck, even the people we only like a little. We need to clear the past and focus on what we want. and take massive action to get where we want to go.
Addressing the three pillars of change in detail is exactly what I do with my clients. If you’re the type of person who is looking for change and knows you do best with individual guidance, then I’m happy to help.
Reach out through the links below and let me know where you’re at and what you’re wanting. We can hop on a call to discovery if we’re a match to work together.
Dr. Tonia Winchester, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Tonia has been practicing as a Naturopathic Doctor since 2007. With contemporary neurological reprogramming techniques, she helps women overcome burnout, stress, anxiety, and fatigue. Essentially she helps them calm their minds, sleep deeply, and find joy and energy in their lives again. Guiding clients through a "Breakthrough" process, they recode their unconscious minds for change, self-care, and success, priming them to create new, healthy, sustainable habits. Dr. Tonia has been featured on CTV, the Costco Connection, The Elephant Journal, Conscious Nutrition, The Autoimmune Simplified Podcast, and the New Generation Entrepreneur Podcast. Ultimately she helps everyday people create exceptional lives for themselves and their communities. To learn more about her brain-based coaching breakthroughs, head on over here!
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