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Change Your Questions, Change Your Life – The Six Question Self-Coaching Technique

Written by: Dr. Kapil and Rupali Apshankar, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.


Questions are at the core of how we listen, behave, think, and relate as individuals. Virtually everything we think and do is generated by questions. Questions push us into new territories. We create our life and our future through our thoughts, represented by the questions we ask ourselves. Great questions, when consistently used as a part of the dialog with our own selves, can lead us to success, both personally and professionally.

Successful business man on blackboard.

Five hundred years before the birth of Jesus, a God-realized being named Lao-tzu in ancient China dictated 81 verses which are regarded by many as the ultimate commentary on the nature of existence. The classic text of these verses offers advice and guidance that is balanced, moral, spiritual, and always concerned with working for the good.

Dr. Wayne Dyer was inspired to spend an entire year— his 65th year—reading, researching, and meditating on Lao-tzu’s messages, practicing them, and ultimately writing down these insights as he felt Lao-tzu wanted us to know them.

The result of that life-changing year was Dr. Wayne Dyer’s best-selling book Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. In continuation of the message of Dr. Dyer, this six-question technique will help you innovate faster, accelerate your productivity, and create more rewarding relationships in your life.

Being stuck is like being in a dark hole. You want to climb out of it but can’t see anything or find a rope or ladder. It overwhelms you with feelings of fear, anxiety, and confusion. The world seems to speed past while you stay exactly where you are.

You realize the need to get out of your current situation, but you feel held back by an even stronger desire to do nothing to change your condition.

Six self-coaching questions

Here are six deep, self-coaching questions to help you understand why you’re feeling stuck and how you can turn your day (and life) around:

1. Are my expectations of myself too high?

Reexamine your expectations of yourself. You can’t do everything perfectly. It is normal to feel disappointed in yourself if you don’t live up to your expectations.

Still, you will steal your joy by comparing yourself to others and having expectations so lofty that you think you’re not enough. The depressed state that will follow will keep you stuck in a rut.

2. What are my goals?

Living without a purpose is one of the quickest ways to find yourself in a rut. You can’t do anything if you have no sense of direction. Since you are stuck in a hole, the only path to go is up. How do you do this?

Put up a vision board. Pin pictures and words of things you find beautiful and inspiring on the vision board. Make brief notes of goals you want to accomplish. They can be big or small. How will this help you?

Writing your goals is great, but it’s not enough. A vision board is a visual representation of your goals, which makes them feel within reach.

3. How much time do I spend daily on improving myself?

Are you stuck because you are making no effort to expand your knowledge? Is there a skill you can learn? Think about it. You have so much time. Consider the number of hours you spend on mind-numbing social media platforms.

Now think of how much of that time you could spend reading something you enjoy, learning a skill or a hobby. Pick one thing to do to improve yourself. Then stick with it and see how much progress you make.

4. Do my friends motivate me?

Do you choose your friends carefully? Whether in-person or virtually, the people we surround ourselves with have a more significant effect on us than we like to admit. The key? Expand your circle of friends. Look at your vision board and pick one goal on the board.

Now try to make a friend who is in that circle or knows people in that circle. How will this help? Eventually, you will follow along with the tide, motivated to live the life of your dreams by surrounding yourself with like-minded people.

5. How willing am I to step out of my comfort zone?

When was the last time you did something you found fascinating? Sometimes it helps to get away for a while. Change your environment for a day or two.

Usually, we feel stuck because we are too comfortable with where we are physically in life. Do you want a new job? Apply. Do you want a relationship? Get out there. Do you want to travel? Go.

If you can’t afford to go away or have the time, do something you wouldn’t normally do or something spontaneous. It helps to spice things up and get you out of your daily routine.

6. Do I show gratitude for the things I enjoy?

Gratitude lists can help us accomplish this. Write the things you are grateful for, even the smallest. Doing this regularly helps.

You will find some good things that shine through your dark feelings. Tiny spots of light brighten a dark hole. Recognize and appreciate those bright moments.

The need to change

I’d like to share a story with you that I heard from a talk by Dr. Wayne Dyer recently. This is a poem by Portia Nelson. I think it really illustrates how we need to change the way we think about things and behave in order to get ourselves to move forward with change and progress in our lives. Here goes:

Chapter One of My Life

I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It’s not my fault. I still take forever to find a way up.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again, I can’t believe I’m in the same place! It isn’t my fault, but it still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there and I still fall in! It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It’s my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down a different street.


Remember, just because you feel trapped doesn’t mean that you are. If you feel stuck, move. You are in control of your life. If you take what actions you can take right now, you’re not stuck.

Find what you truly want in life and get started using this six-question technique. The more things you try, the more likely it will be for you to find your place in this world.

When you change your questions, your life also changes. Isn’t it time to start asking better questions for yourself?

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Dr. Kapil and Rupali Apshankar, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Kapil and Rupali are Amazon's 1 bestselling authors and globally respected business and life strategists. They are founders of Blissvana, a boutique personal development, self-growth, and success studio. Their coaching methods have been proven at the highest levels of success in every dimension of human life. Kapil and Rupali's lives revolve around love, happiness, abundance, and bliss ‒ at home and work. Kapil and Rupali's purpose is to create the highest possible quality of life they can for themselves, and the people they love while helping others around them do the same.



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