Carrying the Invisible – The Hidden Pain Behind Men’s Strength
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 16
- 6 min read
Cece Warren knows that connection is where true health and happiness begin. A 15-year practicing Marriage and Family Therapist and Founder of The Relationship Wellness Clinic. Her work blends honesty, realness, and compassion to help people heal and create loving, healthy, safe connections.
I want to be super real right now, as a married woman and a 15-year practicing Marriage and Family Therapist. I have been doing some deep-dive understanding into men’s mental health, both in my personal and professional life, and I have to say, I have so much genuine compassion for men. Men in our world are struggling, and they are struggling silently.
In our world, we often identify depression as the kind of pain that is visible, where symptoms are recognizable, symptoms such as persistent sadness or tearfulness, fatigue or low energy, withdrawal from friends, family, or social activities, changes in appetite or sleep, hopelessness, worthlessness, or guilt. Usually, the person feels something is not right. This is one form of depression, and it is very real. There is another form of depression, it’s the kind that keeps you functioning while feeling emotionally flat, irritable, or empty inside. It’s invisible to the person living with it and often to those around them.
Terry Real, therapist and author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It, calls this covert depression, when a man’s pain hides under anger, workaholism, or silence. He writes, “Underneath the surface of many successful men is a despair so deep that they are virtually cut off from their own hearts. They are driven, but joyless.”
As a partner and a therapist, this breaks my heart to read, driven, but joyless.
Covert depression is also very real, and it’s not just impacting men, it’s disconnecting entire families from the thing we all want most, to be loved, connected, and safe.
Covert depression is about disconnection, disconnection from yourself, from your emotions, and eventually from the people who matter most. Terry Real calls this “the depression that doesn’t look depressed,” and often it looks like being angry, controlling, shut down, or distant.
If you are the partner of a man with covert depression, you might feel lonely, unwanted, or confused. You might start wondering:
“Why is he so angry at me?”
“Why won’t he talk to me?”
“Am I not enough for him anymore?”
“Does he really love me?”
“Why doesn’t he care about me or our family?”
When men check out, it can feel really scary for their partners. Their partner’s nervous system kicks into overdrive, and eventually, partners withdraw and become isolated to protect themselves. This protection on both sides makes for some pretty difficult conflict and more withdrawal, disconnection, and loneliness for both partners.
What depression often looks like in men
Let’s call it like it is, depression in men doesn’t always look like the inability to get out of bed, tearful moments, or substance use. More often, it looks like:
Snapping at the kids
Picking fights about small stuff because big feelings are scarier
Working late, not because you have to, but because it’s easier than coming home to feelings
Wanting sex less, or using it as the only way you can connect
Being “busy” all the time but secretly feeling numb
This isn’t weakness, though society tells us it is. It’s pain, unspoken, unprocessed pain.
What’s underneath it all
Many men learn early on that showing vulnerability or emotions like sadness, fear, hurt, or need isn’t “manly.” Our world teaches men to toughen up, power through, and keep it together, to handle it on your own. So instead of crying, they work. Instead of saying, “I’m scared,” they get angry. Instead of reaching for support, they pull away.
It’s not that men don’t feel deeply. In fact, as a therapist who has the humble honour of hearing men’s stories day in and day out, I can tell you they not only feel deeply, but they also want to be loved and seen for the caring, good-hearted men they truly are. It is heartbreakingly sad that we have trained men to bury their feelings so deep they lose touch with them entirely.
At the core of covert depression is shame. This can show up as the belief that feeling weak, scared, sad, or “less than” is unacceptable. That belief breeds perfectionism, defensiveness, control, or withdrawal, really anything to keep the world from seeing the soft spots.
Shame can sound like:
“I should have it together by now.”
“If I admit I’m hurting, I’ll look weak.”
“I’m failing as a partner, father, or man.”
That shame can feel so heavy, and it often makes you do things that unintentionally push love away. You might get defensive. You might criticize. You might shut down and act “fine” on the outside while quietly hurting on the inside. You might remain stoic or silent to avoid being a burden.
Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), reminds us that our reactions are simple protective parts of us doing their best to keep us safe. Maybe it’s the part that works too much, or the part that yells, or the part that pours a drink just to get through the night. All these parts have good intentions, even if it doesn’t feel that way. They’re genuinely trying to protect you from pain.
And underneath all of those protectors, there’s a tender, exhausted, longing part of all of us that wants so badly to be connected and loved and maybe feels too scared or too unworthy to reach for it. Our parts need care, curiosity, and gentle reassurance that it’s safe to open up, to reach out to our loved ones, and to ask for what we need to feel connected.
But the armour that once felt protective eventually becomes a deep longing and loneliness. It keeps love out. It keeps connection out. And it keeps healing out.
The way back
Healing covert depression isn’t about fixing yourself or being “fixed,” it’s about reclaiming ownership of what got buried.
It means:
Name it. Say out loud what’s going on, “I think I might be depressed. I’m not okay.”
Let someone in. That might be your partner, a therapist, or a close friend. Shame dies in safe connection.
Learn your cycle. Notice when you’re withdrawing or numbing emotions, and learn how to make space for all your emotions, slowly and safely.
Get support. Compassionate, kind support. Therapy, coaching, men’s groups, these aren’t luxuries. They’re emotional training grounds, and you deserve this space.
John Gottman reminds us that the happiest couples aren’t the ones who never fight. They are the ones who repair after disagreements, who turn toward each other, who lean in instead of out, especially when it’s hard.
In therapy, this often looks like teaching men how to safely feel again, to soften without falling apart, to lead with truth instead of toughness.
And for the partners of those men, it means holding loving boundaries and compassion, staying grounded in your own truth, and doing your own internal work while inviting real connection back into the relationship. This includes fostering an understanding of the social constructs that put men in their current boxes.
The takeaway
Overt depression is the kind that says, “I’m hurting.”
Covert depression says, “I’m fine,” while silently unraveling inside. They’re two faces of the same wound, disconnection from the self.
The path to healing, in either case, starts with honesty. That means naming what’s real and allowing yourself (or the person you love) to be a wonderfully imperfect human again.
If you or your partner are navigating this kind of quiet pain, The Relationship Wellness Clinic offers space for both individual and relational healing, a place where you can unpack the “I’m fine” and rediscover what’s real, together.
Read more from Cece Warren
Cece Warren, Certified Counsellor and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist
When it comes to relationships, couples therapy, betrayal recovery, and all the messiness in between, Cece Warren keeps it real. She is known for her transparency, gentleness, and unapologetic honesty. Her years of unhealthy, disconnected relationships and emotional chaos became her greatest teacher, allowing her empathy, clarity, and compassion to help others break free from unhealthy cycles and build connections that feel safe. Cece turned her own emotional, mental, and relational pain into fuel to help others rise. She is the founder and CEO of the Relationship Wellness Clinic and the voice behind the podcast, The Compassionately Blunt Therapist, where hard truths meet genuine care.
