Breaking Free from a Weaponised Relationship
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Roisin Laoise O'Carroll is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist who combines professional expertise with lived experience to help readers navigate relationships, health, and personal growth and resilience.
In this deeply personal account, the author reveals how a relationship that initially seemed supportive turned toxic through manipulation, emotional abuse, and gaslighting. The story chronicles the journey of recognizing red flags, reclaiming personal strength, and ultimately breaking free from a weaponized bond that masqueraded as love.
The mirror of familiarity
I was once in a relationship with this man, and it taught me a lot about what I will and will not tolerate. I could call him a bit of a case study of an abuser in the making. I thought he was a genuinely lovely guy who helped me through my previously traumatic relationship, but as time progressed, he stopped doing little things that you'd consider great in a relationship, like doing nice things for your partner. So, let's go back a few notches to start the story.
I once met this guy in a work environment who seemed really supportive and lovely. He opened up about a lot of trauma, he was like, “I get it, I do. I will do what I can to support you.” Until one day, things changed. He stopped doing nice things for me. Little comments were made here and there towards me, which psychologists call "negging." Negging is a form of emotional manipulation that involves giving backhanded compliments, comparisons, criticism, or insults to make someone feel inferior or insecure.
The dehumanisation phase
I definitely think this manipulation was happening very early on, but because I was still building my inner self-worth, I didn't yet trust my own intuition. Being a naturally loving person can sometimes act as a blindfold. I saw his initial niceness as a gift when, in reality, I was just caught in the familiar, intoxicating cycle of love bombing. As the relationship progressed, the mask didn’t just slip, it shattered. When I tried to make things work, the behaviour only grew more hostile. He began using phrases like “I don’t need you in my life” to keep me in a state of constant insecurity. Arguments became terrifying displays of dominance. He would order me to sit down as if I were a child or a doormat, standing in front of me with clenched fists.
The most chilling red flag was the complete evaporation of empathy. He began to laugh while I was visibly hurt or upset. When I cried down the phone, seeking comfort, he met my pain with mockery or the sound of his own laughter. He would roll his eyes at my feelings and use condescending lessons to put me in my place, at one point even telling me, “You failed your manners.” When I tried to hold him accountable for these insults, he would simply deny he ever said them, a blatant form of gaslighting designed to make me doubt myself.
Talking over me, mocking my voice, and demanding my submission weren’t just disagreements, they were forms of disrespect. As these signs became impossible to ignore, I realised I wasn’t in a relationship, I was in a power struggle. I had to make the choice to leave before there was nothing left of me to save.
The weaponisation of healing
When we first met, I told him about a particularly traumatic relationship I had experienced in my early 20s. As bizarre as it was, we were driving to work together one day, and he showed me a book on narcissism and power. He said he thought of me and that it would be good for me to read for my healing. I genuinely thought it was a nice gesture, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he decided to get me this, of all things. He claimed he had read it because of a woman at our job who he said had narcissistic signs.
What made this experience so insidious was his eventual use of therapy-speak. He didn’t just argue, he weaponised the language of healing. He spent his time reading books on narcissistic abuse and emotional intelligence, but instead of using that knowledge to grow, he used it to audit my personality. My requests for basic communication were labelled as narcissistic demands, and my valid hurt was dismissed as me triggering him. It is a terrifying form of gaslighting when someone uses the vocabulary of a healer to justify the actions of a bully.
The myth of protecting peace
He often spoke about protecting his peace, a phrase that sounds noble but was actually a cover for the silent treatment. In this relationship, peace didn’t mean harmony, it meant my total compliance and silence. If I spoke up about being mocked or ignored, I was disturbing his peace. He would retreat into processing space for hours or days, leaving me in an emotional waiting room. I eventually realised that he wasn’t processing anything, he was simply waiting for my spirit to break so I would return to him as a smaller, quieter, and easier-to-control version of myself.
The mask slipping: From supporter to mocker
The most jarring part of this relationship was the physical and verbal shift. The man who once promised to support my healing became the man who would mock my voice while I was crying. I watched the supportive mask slip to reveal someone who would clench his fists in anger when I stood my ground. It was a huge reminder that someone can know all the right words to say about trauma while still being the person who inflicts it. The contrast between his public persona of a nice guy and the private reality of his coldness was the final red flag I couldn’t ignore.
The final power shift
The ending wasn’t the dramatic discard he likely planned. I chose to stop being a spectator in my own downfall. When I went to collect my belongings, I didn’t go alone, and I didn’t ask for permission. He tried one last time to claim I was “disturbing his peace” by simply being there to reclaim my life. In that moment, I realised that my peace was not his to grant or take away. By walking out with my things and my dignity, I wasn’t just leaving a house, I was graduating from a classroom I never asked to be in, regaining my confidence in trusting myself.
A quote I will forever stand by moving forward is:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.” – Maya Angelou
Read more from Roisin Laoise O'Carroll
Roisin Laoise O'Carroll, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise O'Carroll is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist, specialising in relationships, mental health, physical wellbeing, and domestic abuse support. Drawing on both professional expertise and personal experience, she helps readers navigate emotional challenges, recognise unhealthy patterns, and build resilience. As a domestic abuse counsellor, she supports individuals in reclaiming their safety, confidence, and sense of self. Through her writing for Brainz Magazine, she provides practical guidance and insights to empower readers to trust themselves, set boundaries, and prioritise their overall wellbeing.
