A Love Letter to My Twenty- and Thirty-Somethings Who Feel the Pressure to Check Off Life’s Boxes
- 6 hours ago
- 8 min read
Erica Stanzione is a NYC-based yoga and meditation educator, retreat host, and teacher training leader. She was given a mission and has a deep passion for supporting and empowering her students as they elevate their lives spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and energetically.
Since the very beginning of my career as a yoga and meditation educator, I’ve always had a sweet spot in my heart for my twenty- and thirty-somethings who are navigating those uncomfortable and unavoidable growing pains of life that we all encounter. I have a particular love for those decades and the conversations around that time of my life, because it was when everything had to go so very wrong in order for it to eventually go so right. It has become a tremendously valuable and often discussed chapter that allows me to feel very grateful that I can now support others so they never feel like they are alone.
With that, and for the first time in my career, I am being guided to share the true depths of my story that many don’t know, so I can hopefully protect anyone who is meant to see this from years of unnecessary heartache, as well as incredibly messy moments that can be avoided when we’re brave enough to be honest with ourselves and those we love.
I was twenty-seven years old when I thought I had it all. My ex-husband and I had recently bought an adorable house one hour north of my beloved NYC. We had two very comfortable salaries, loving families, great friends, a cute dog, the Mercedes in the driveway, beautiful vacations, date nights at fancy restaurants, and a gorgeous new diamond on my left ring finger. I thought I had made it. I thought I had achieved everything that society projects onto us as “success” in this country.
That was until I woke up one morning feeling deeply unhappy, uninspired, and unfulfilled. In just three short years, that entire life that we worked so hard to build came crashing down. It was then that the Universe broke me down, woke me up, and taught me what “all” really is, and how true internal success is actually defined.
I met him when I was twenty-three years old. He was six years older, and it was a whirlwind of a romance. Three years later, we bought a house and then got engaged within the year. It was all unfolding exactly how I had wanted, and I was in a constant state of excitement. I was married at twenty-eight. We had a dream wedding on the beach in Westhampton, New York, and we were so proud to have paid for it ourselves.
Then, on our one-year wedding anniversary, we returned to the Hamptons to celebrate, and the novelty of the life we had built together no longer felt so shiny. It was a moment I’ll never forget because it was one of those significant occasions in life when my intuition truly made itself known by screaming at me and warning me that our relationship was slowly but surely beginning to unravel.
When we returned home from that trip, the very apparent truths and holes in my heart were coming through on my yoga mat day after day, week after week, and month after month. They were all pointing to upsetting but starkly clear thoughts.
My heart feels heavy. I feel like I’m suffocating in this marriage. I feel like I’m stuck living in this small town that I’ve outgrown. My corporate career is sucking my soul out of me. This isn’t the life that feels right for me anymore.
It was a constant reel in my head, and with each passing day, I fell deeper into that hole of despair, struggling with the guilt of leaving my marriage. But I will never quit anything without doing everything in my power to exhaust all options first. So I tried everything imaginable to salvage what was very obviously imploding.
I’ll never forget that Saturday afternoon when, as a young couple without children yet, we should have been enjoying brunch and cocktails and roaming around museums and parks. Instead, we were on a couple’s therapist’s couch in Warwick, New York, discussing our constant arguments. I was trying to put on a happy face and stay present in the session that was costing me an arm and a leg and frustrating me beyond measure. Yet it wasn’t the price tag that was disturbing me. It was the fact that on that couch, on that particular day, I felt that the state of my emotional currency was leaving me completely bankrupt.
With an attempt to stay engaged in the discussion and fight the good fight, I couldn’t help but hear my soul as it internally screamed, “How the hell did I get here?!” I was completely depleted mentally and emotionally and was starting to feel like maybe there was no fight left in me, and that the damage was beyond repair. It was then that I knew in my gut and began to accept that these sessions were just foreplay for the inevitable.
Years later, I learned that during our awakening process, the sharp pains of self-discovery and growth don’t always feel loud or dramatic at first. Instead, they feel like small, subtle, undetectable shifts that eventually accumulate over time and add up in monumental ways. One day we wake up and no longer recognize our reality, who we’ve become, or feel like we can stomach living a life that no longer fits. Our relationships, thoughts, patterns, and behaviors begin to feel unbearable and intolerable to live and perpetuate.
That was how it happened for me. I didn’t realize how heavy and energetically stuck I felt until years later, when I finally felt the lightness after the release and the freedom that comes on the other side of healing.
I am always in awe of, and admire, couples who met young and are blessed to evolve together and remain deeply in love. Unfortunately, for us, we weren’t one of those couples. Everything about me was starting to change from my yoga practice and initial certifications, which had become my absolute lifeline during that time, and he sadly wasn’t willing to come with me for the ride.
Even though we were only married for a little over two years, I felt like I was a wife for the full seven years we spent together. It was a role and a title that I truly cherished. But the Universe taught me that it wasn’t a role I was meant to have with him.
When the chips finally landed after the divorce, he went back to his hometown that he loved, and I went back to the place where I’ve always belonged, Manhattan. The place where our love story had started over seven years earlier. But this time, God was starting to reveal to me in very subtle ways that it was now time to begin a different kind of love story. The love story with myself. And that’s exactly what I did.
Today, at forty-two years old, I can say with one hundred percent confidence and certainty that I am the happiest and most peaceful I have ever been in my life, and I don’t regret a single element of my journey. It all happened exactly as it was meant to. I know that it was flawlessly orchestrated in order for me to share my purpose, build my offerings, and continue to nurture my craft in the yoga industry. It also had to happen that way to position me to meet the love of my life that I’ve always dreamt of and know God has prepared for me.
For anyone reading this who feels like they too are unconsciously going through the motions of life and falling victim to social conditioning, I invite you to be fiercely brave and truly honest with yourself in these explorations and the responses that follow. Your future self will be so grateful that you did, especially if you crave a full life rather than one that leaves you wondering, “What if?”
Are you in relationships, living situations, or careers just because you felt pressure from society, your parents, your friends, or what you see on social media? Are your choices a 'hell yes' within your soul, or are they just comfortable and easier financially?
Having a joyful, safe, and successful marriage, and not just a really fun five-hour party for your wedding, owning a home, having an abundant career, and eventually starting a family are all enormous blessings and aspirations. But please remember that it doesn’t have to happen on the same timeline as those around you, or just because you’ve hit a certain age. Perhaps you don’t desire any of this or that more traditional lifestyle, and that is an equally courageous and perfect decision as well.
Please don’t be afraid to live a life that others don’t understand. Don’t be afraid to choose yourself and focus on what genuinely makes you happy. Don’t be afraid to do things on your timeline and consciously choose the right partner, even if finding your person takes longer than you expected.
If it isn’t happening for you yet, trust it. If those are things you desire, they will arrive when the time is right. I’ve learned that the Universe will never hand us anything prematurely and will only deliver our desires when they are ripe for a successful outcome for all involved. So please trust that timing, even if it’s confusing, frustrating, or doesn’t make sense at first.
Your twenties, and especially your thirties, are the time to have fun, figure out who you really are, and use these exploratory and foundational years to set yourself up for your future, both personally and professionally. Give yourself the gift of space to grow, heal, and love yourself first. Build your career and financial independence. Get healthy mentally and physically. Create deep connections with friends and family. Generate those layers of grit and resilience that will carry you through life. Travel to places near and far that inspire you and take your breath away.
Do everything and explore all avenues that bring you joy and light you up, because you’re never going to get these incredibly precious years back.
There are also major advantages to getting married and starting families later in life, as even healthier love comes after we’ve done the work on ourselves. When we’ve healed old wounds and are truly self-aware, emotionally regulated, able to communicate effectively, and able to resolve conflicts with ease, the long-term success of the relationship dramatically increases.
Maturity teaches us the difference between choosing karmic partners who were meant to teach us lessons and divinely guided partnerships. Maturity teaches us to prioritize emotional connection rather than just physical attraction. With age and life experience, we also learn the difference between chemistry and true compatibility, as well as real connection versus attachment.
Ultimately, can we reframe this social and cultural conditioning and remind ourselves that there isn’t a timeline for love or a deadline for when our blessings are meant to arrive? Because when we truly embody and radiate self-love, self-respect, inner peace, and self-awareness, we will inevitably and undeniably attract a much higher caliber of partner and all of the soul-aligned opportunities that are meant for our highest good.
Read more from Erica Stanzione
Erica Stanzione, Yoga and Meditation Educator
Erica is an industry leader in guiding the life-changing practices of breathwork, vinyasa yoga, and meditation. She leads by example both on and off of the mat, and teaches others about the profound effects of our mindfulness practices that far exceed the external benefits. The intention behind her classes, workshops, retreats, and trainings are to serve as a sacred container where her students feel safe to step further into their power, confidence, emotional intelligence, spiritual connection, and continuous evolution.
