Katie Dixon is a psychotherapist and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Her areas of specialty include grief, complex relational trauma, self-image and anxiety disorders. Katie's mission is to support clients in identifying and exploring the possibilities that lead to lasting change and a more fulfilling life.
In my work as a therapist, I find that one of the most common reasons clients give for seeking therapy is to improve communication with someone in their lives. There are two patterns I hear about most frequently regarding ineffective communication. The first is a pattern of avoidance that stems from the fear of starting an argument. The second involves someone trying to communicate a point repeatedly and feeling ignored. While we can not control how other people respond to what we say, we absolutely have control over the way we say things, when we say them, and having an understanding of why we say them.
I like to use two analogies in my work with clients when we start breaking down communication patterns into smaller, more manageable steps. The first analogy equates communication to a recipe you are trying to master. The flavor you get as a result of adding too much of one ingredient or not enough of another shows you what you can improve upon the next time. A dish can taste great and still benefit from a few minor tweaks each time we make it. Implementing new communication strategies requires equal parts self-reflection, self-control, consideration for the other person, patience and practice. The next ingredients will depend upon your unique role in the pattern in your current relationship. You may need a heavy measure of assertiveness to get conversations started or you may need to add a dash of softness to your approach. In the second analogy, communication becomes a dance between two people. We begin to fall into a rhythm, and the pattern we follow becomes predictable, almost as if our steps have been choreographed.
You may be reading this article because you feel ready to start dancing to a new beat. I firmly believe that even if only one person changes up their part in a pattern, it forces a shift in the whole dynamic. The other person will also have to make adjustments in order to remain in sync when you change the tempo. Here are some tips you can try to get out of that tired old routine.
1. Acknowledge and validate arguments
This is my number one tip, and I describe it as the secret ingredient for improving your communication with others. By simply acknowledging what the other person has said, you are disarming their inclination towards defensiveness which instantly creates a barrier to healthy communication. Even if you fundamentally disagree with what the other person is saying or what they believe, you can still prevent a potential argument from ensuing by utilizing this tip. We all have a deep desire to be heard and understood. In order for this step to be effective, it is essential that you pause and make use of the space between the emotions rising within you and your chosen response. This requires some of that patience and self-control I mentioned. Your goal before making any further points in the conversation is to acknowledge that you have heard what the other person has said. That is all you have to do before you say anything else. Here are a few examples of how simple it is to acknowledge and validate the other person in the conversation:
“I hear you.”
“I hear what you are saying.” “I see your point.”
“I understand where you are coming from.”
Phrases such as these immediately establish a connection and a sense of understanding. Now you can use a soft start up to offer your perspective. You may consider moving on to express your point of view with phrases such as these:
“I have some thoughts that I would like to share with you.”
“I am going to consider what you said and I would appreciate you hearing me out.” “I have a different perspective and I appreciate having a chance to share it with you.”
“Although we may not see this the same way, I respect that you have your own opinion.”
I can not guarantee that the conversation will unfold exactly as you would like it to after this point. That being said, if you commit to prioritizing the acknowledgement and validation of the other person, I can guarantee that you will be in a better position to have a conversation that does not lead to an argument.
2. Listen to understand
Too often, we are listening to respond. We eagerly wait to blurt out our retort to what someone else is sharing and by reacting this way, we miss a valuable opportunity to strengthen our bond. We can greatly benefit from considering the other person’s viewpoint even if we arrive back at the same conclusion that we do not agree and our perspective remains unchanged. By listening to understand and pausing before responding, we demonstrate our respect for the other person and deepen our own self-respect through practicing self-control and consideration.
3. Let go of the need to be right
You may be right about a lot of things a lot of the time. Accept that you are not always right. Consider that many situations are not actually about being right versus being wrong. More often, it is about understanding each person has a unique perspective due to their lived experiences and there is more than one way to conceptualize a problem and find a solution.
There may always be a part of you that feels a need to be right, a need to be affirmed, a need to be agreed with, etc. I would call this the ego part, which is quick to feel challenged or even threatened. Part of the ego’s job is to protect your outward facing image. When someone brings a grievance to your attention or responds poorly to your concerns, calm the ego. Focus on the issue and resist the urge to view a disagreement through the ego lens which is to treat this as a personal attack on your character. If you can recognize that someone bringing their concerns to you is an attempt to strengthen their connection with you through mutual understanding, you have already overcome a major obstacle to communication. If you recognize that asking for something you need is a means of fortifying your connection with someone else and is not a sign of weakness, you have already stepped into the next level of your strength. You do not need to be right. You need only to understand and to feel heard.
4. Plant the seed
When we are ready to communicate something that feels very important to us, there is a sense of urgency that often pressures us into making some communication blunders. It can be very difficult to share vulnerable feelings and then press pause on a conversation in order to resume talking later. Nevertheless, this is often the best thing you can do to prevent defensiveness, misunderstanding and escalating emotions from detracting from the main issue you are trying to address. I like to call this “planting the seed.” The benefit of doing this is that you will have a chance to raise your concern while giving the other person an opportunity to actually consider what you have said. Remember that you have had time to think about bringing up whatever issue has been on your mind and have, therefore, had some preparation for the conversation. The person you want to speak to has had no preparation and may feel caught off guard. Allow the other person to take in your message and formulate a response from a place of thoughtfulness rather than a knee-jerk reaction. I find that for most people, their knee-jerk reaction is not their most authentic response. It is their protective, defensive response. If you give the other person time to think things through, you can both come back to the conversation with a greater sense of calm and clarity. Here is a suggestion of what planting the seed might look like:
“I want to share something with you and then give you some time to consider what I have said.
This is really important to me and I don’t need a response right now. We can come back to it once you have some time to think it over.”
Then, you state what you need to and leave the conversation. A seedling needs time to grow. Sometimes, people need time to process information. Although it can feel hard to wait, delaying your need to hash things out in the moment may be the thing that shifts your communication from constant arguments to productive conversations.
5. Recognize that criticism is a request cloaked in fear
When you criticize another person, you are actually struggling to communicate an unmet need or expectation. When someone criticizes you, they are also revealing that one of their needs or expectations is not being met. We risk rejection, disappointment and being told no when we ask someone for something we need from them. We put ourselves in a vulnerable position by choosing this. It is so much easier for us to take a critical stance and say something along the lines of, “You should be doing this,” or “Why can’t you do that?” as opposed to, “Can you help me with this?” or “It would mean so much to me if you could take care of that.” A request is present in each example although we may not recognize that at first glance.
The first two examples are self-protective. The second two examples are vulnerable and, as a result of that, come off as more self-assured. Ask yourself how you would like someone to approach you. My guess is the answer to that is unquestionably the softer approach in making a request. Now, put yourself in the position of changing the wording of what you might typically use and transforming your criticism or demand into an actual request. It may feel unsettling at first because it is unfamiliar, but improving communication requires that you lay down the defensive shield of criticism and step into the strength of making requests instead. You are not preparing for battle, you are preparing to ask for help.
7. Focus on your own needs
Oh how tempting it is to focus on all the things the other person is doing wrong. We know exactly what the problem is and it is everything the other person is doing that we do not like! What if I were to tell you that everything you are feeling actually has 100% to do with you? Some part of you may resist accepting that because of how vulnerable it is. Instead, you may prefer to tell the other person all the things they are doing wrong and how much better things would be if they were to simply fix these things.
Here is the catch, communicating in this way creates further resentment, misunderstanding and a perpetual stuck pattern of nagging and avoidance between you and the person in question. Perhaps this dynamic has even resulted in a battle of whose behavior is worse? None of this is healthy or productive. Here is what you can do instead: keep the focus on your needs rather than what the other person is seemingly doing wrong. By letting the other person know that you are hurt, angry, feeling taken for granted, etc. and that their actions are not okay with you, you have completed the first step. Yes, you should tell them how YOU feel. This is not about telling them everything that is wrong with their thinking and behavior. This is about expressing how their behavior is making you feel.
Now comes the hard part. Tell the other person what you need from them. This brings us back to the previous tip about making your request known. Determine what behavior you would like to ask the other person to demonstrate. Then, share it with the expectation that they will be more likely to cooperate with a request rather than a demand or a criticism.
8. Consider your timing
We have to temper our own sense of urgency about addressing a concern and consider the value of our timing. In doing this, we can greatly influence the outcome of the conversation we would like to have. Arguably, there is rarely a great time to bring up a problem. However, there are undeniably times that are better than others, namely for the other person. It may not make the most sense to bring something up when someone is in a period of transition such as getting ready for work or just getting home from work. I would not recommend vaguely mentioning that you have something you want to talk about later. This approach makes me think of the sound effects of a horror movie when something bad is about to happen. For the other person, doing this is likely to spark anxiety and lead them down the spiraling path of imagining worst case scenarios.
Instead, consider when the person you want to speak to is in a relatively settled state and ask if this would be a good time to address a concern that has come up for you. Be prepared for the possibility that the other person may be distracted for any number of reasons and may not be able to give you their undivided attention at the moment you request it. It is crucial to have their undivided attention in order for you to feel heard and valued. It is worth waiting for a time that is free from distractions for both of you. Simply ask to confirm a time when you can both give your focus to something that you would like to talk about with them.
Making these changes to your communication style takes consistent effort and practice. It is no different than adopting a new eating regimen or workout routine. These changes may feel exciting at first, as newness often does. As time goes on, we can easily lose momentum and motivation. Stay committed. If you find that you have reverted back to an old pattern, recommit to doing it differently next time. There is no need to beat yourself up for falling back into a pattern that may have protected you at some point in your life from feeling vulnerable and rejected. That is the old version of you. Make peace with it and step into the new version of you that was supported by the old version to get to where you are today. If you slip up on the way you wanted to approach a conversation, recognize it and remind yourself that you will commit to doing it better next time. Then do it better next time. This will be a journey with stops and starts. Keep moving forward in the direction you want to go and recognize how much power you have to change the dance.
Read more from Katie Dixon
Katie Dixon, Licensed Professional Counselor, Business Owner
Katie Dixon is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Through a number of personal and professional experiences, Katie realized that life's most difficult moments can lead to feelings of isolation when connection is often what is most needed. Her mission is to use the power of connection to help her clients heal from painful experiences while navigating their relationships with themselves and others from a place of greater compassion and understanding.