12 Real-World Reset Steps After a Breakup for Autistic and Neurodivergent Adults
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
April Ratchford, OTR/L, is an autistic occupational therapist and the voice behind Adulting with Autism. She supports neurodivergent adults across the world with relatable storytelling, lived wisdom, and empowering strategies for real-life challenges.
Breakups hit different when you’re autistic, ADHD, or both. It’s not just “sadness.” It’s nervous system whiplash, loss of routine, dopamine withdrawal, and your brain running a 24/7 replay with zero closure. Then Valentine’s Day shows up like a glittery punch in the throat. So no, this isn’t a “glow up era” article. This is a reset. A real one.
Here are 12 steps to get through the messy middle without losing yourself.
1. Name what this actually is: Grief plus nervous system disruption
When the relationship ends, your brain isn’t just missing a person. It’s missing the predictability, the pattern, the check-ins, the familiar sensory and emotional rhythms. That’s why it feels like your entire system is collapsing. You’re not being dramatic. You’re dysregulated.
2. Give yourself one week to fall apart on purpose
Mourn it. Cry. Be mad. Be in your bed. Watch the movie. Eat the weird comfort food. But put a time container on it. If you don’t, your brain will turn the breakup into a long-term identity story, “I’m unlovable, I’m too much, I’ll never find anyone.” No. One week to grieve hard, then we pivot into reset mode.
3. No contact is not petty, it’s a neurological intervention
Autistic rumination plus social media access is a straight line to self-destruction. Unfollow. Block. Mute. Remove. Not because you hate them. Because your brain will keep trying to solve a puzzle that has no solution. And because your nervous system cannot heal while you’re still “checking.”
4. Stop chasing closure, it’s an illusion that keeps you stuck
Closure is a movie script. In real life, sometimes people leave and you will never get a clean explanation that satisfies your autistic brain. If you keep waiting for the perfect reason, you’ll stay emotionally handcuffed. Closure is what you decide it is.
Like Inception: the top keeps spinning. You don’t get to know. You decide what’s real and move.
5. Don’t “fix yourself” because someone left
If they made you feel like you were the problem, your brain might go straight into, “Let me become perfect so no one leaves again.” No. That’s not growth. That’s trauma-driven compliance. Your reset is about understanding yourself, not erasing yourself.
6. Treat it like dopamine withdrawal, because it is
Relationships are dopamine. Messages, attention, affection, sex, routine, even the fights, your brain gets used to the stimulation. When it ends, you crave the hit. That’s why you want to text. That’s why you want to stalk. That’s why you want to “just talk one more time.” You’re not weak. You’re withdrawing. So don’t feed the addiction. Replace it.
7. Don’t numb with alcohol, sugar, or chaos hookups
I get it. I’ve done it. The “fuck ‘em dress.” The club. The sugar binge. The spiral. The next relationship is too fast. The romantic movie marathon.
But listen: numbing gives you a high, then you crash worse. The goal is natural regulation, not chemical whiplash.
8. Build structure before your brain builds a spiral
Unstructured time is dangerous after a breakup. If you have nothing planned, your brain will fill the day with rumination. So you need a simple daily structure:
One thing for your body
One thing for your environment
One thing for your mind
One thing for connection (even if it’s minimal)
Structure isn’t punishment. It’s scaffolding.
9. Use the reset rule: One new skill for 30 days
Here’s where the OT brain comes in. Neuroplasticity loves a new task. Pick one thing you’ve always wanted to do and commit to it for 30 days:
Dancing
Painting
Learning a language
Lifting weights
Cooking one recipe
Guitar
Anything
You’re not doing it to “be better.” You’re doing it to rewire your brain away from the relationship loop.
10. Audit your part without self-hating
Yes, reflect. But don’t use reflection as a weapon against yourself. Ask:
What did I ignore?
What did I tolerate?
Where did I abandon myself?
What do I need next time?
Then stop. No forensic analysis for six months. That’s rumination pretending to be self-awareness.
11. If they come back, they don’t get automatic access to the new you
Here’s the question everyone has: What if they come back?
If they come back, they earn it. They don’t get a free pass because you shared history. You don’t owe them the healed version of you. You built that version. They walked away from the previous one. If they push your boundaries, that’s your answer.
12. Redefine Valentine’s Day so it doesn’t define you
Valentine’s Day is not a measure of your worth. If you’re single, it’s a normal day.
If you’re heartbroken, it’s a grief day.
If you’re partnered, it’s a celebration day. But it is not a scoreboard.
If you want to do “Palentine’s” or “Galentine’s,” do it. If you want to game, do it.
If you want to go quiet, do it.
But don’t let a holiday turn your breakup into a verdict.
Final word: you’re not broken, you’re resetting
If you’re neurodivergent, breakups can feel like your entire identity collapses. But it’s not your identity collapsing. It’s your system recalibrating.
Give yourself the week. Do the reset. Build structure. Stop feeding the loop. And if you need one sentence to hold on to. You can miss them and still choose you.
Read more from April Michelle Ratchford
April Michelle Ratchford, Occupational Therapist/Podcast Host
April Ratchford, OTR/L, is an autistic occupational therapist, writer, and global advocate for neurodivergent adults. As the creator and host of Adulting with Autism, an internationally ranked podcast with over two million downloads, she blends clinical expertise with real-life lived experience. April specializes in supporting autistic young adults as they transition into independence, higher education, and adult identity. She is known for her clear, empowering approach that makes complex neurodivergent challenges accessible and manageable. April is currently advancing her studies in neuroscience through King’s College London to further elevate her work in autistic well-being and adult development.
