Written by: Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“He had gotten a tattoo…”
“Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves.” – Ernest Dimnet, writer
Ulla was thirty-six years old and a legal secretary by profession. She had two children, aged eight and fourteen, with names which also began with the letter “U”.
The oldest was Ulrik, a boy, and the youngest was Undine, a girl. Ulla was recently divorced from her spouse of fifteen years, Ulysses, who was a highway engineer working for the local, provincial government.
Ulla contacted me because of her son, Ulrik. He had gotten a tattoo on his left arm without asking or even alerting his parents. Both were very upset about it.
But, Ulla was the one to seek an outside perspective. Ulrik’s dad, Ulysses, has chosen to “chew him out” about ‘scaring his body for life’ and ‘being labelled a radical’, and so on.
“He put the name of his favourite video game, Fortnite.”
I asked Ulla what about Ulrik’s decision bothered her the most.
She replied,
“Ken, I can still remember being fourteen years of age. I remember needing to be independent and my own person. But, why put a tattoo on his body? That’s what confuses me!”
“What kind of tattoo did he put on his arm, Ulla?”
“He put the name of his favourite video game, Fortnite.”
“That suggests that specific video game is very high on his list of personal values right now and he wants others to know it,” I suggested.
“Yes, but to scar his body…I would never do that! Why would he decide to?” she replied, confusion written over her entire face.
“…his behaviours are determined by his highest values.”
“Ulla, our past experiences create our highest values. It may be that for Ulrik, that game is an important way to experience success or connect with his friends or prove he is smart, perhaps.
“Sure, but can’t he find some other ways to do it,” she said, her tone laden with skepticism.
“We would need to understand his highest values to understand his behaviour because his behaviours are determined by his highest values.”
“But to scar his body…that’s a little too much, isn’t it? I never expected my children to do that!” she said.
“Ulla, where do you do that?” I asked.
“Do what…scar my body? I don’t, Ken! I wouldn’t!” an air of indignation and self-righteousness lifted from her face.
“… it really depends on who is doing the looking and the judging…
“I would suggest it depends on the values of the person who is perceiving you.
“Ken, would you give me an example…I don’t see it!”
“Sure! For example, I notice you are wearing high-heeled shoes and pierced earrings and also make-up.
There are lots of people who, because of their personal values…their past life experiences, perceive you are scaring your body by doing so, Ulla.”
Surprised by my comment, she replied,
“So, you’re suggesting there are many ways of scaring your body besides tattoos…and it’s really depended on who is looking at you and judging you…is that what you mean?”
“Yes, that’s it precisely! So, here’s a question for you to consider. When you were fourteen years of age, what did you do, that some of the people around you…even some who loved you, perceived, as scaring your body?”
“…even though you were probably poisoning your lungs and destroying your brain cells…”
Ulla paused thoughtfully before saying,
“Well, when you put it that way, when I was in grade nine, me and my friends were actively involved in smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol.”
“And, how did your parents perceive these events, Ulla?”
“This, of course, appalled them so we tried to keep it a secret,” she said, softly half smiling at the old memories.
“And, while your parents may not have understood your values at that time…what did you get out of it at that point in your life?”
“Well, I guess we were trying to fit in, to belong, to be independent, even adult-like…to be cool!”
“So, even though you were probably poisoning your lungs and destroying your brain cells…and people were warning you about that, you still went ahead and took the risk, right?”
“I guess we thought it wouldn’t happen to us…we would be an exception!”
“So, could Ulrik also learn from his tattoo in some similar way?”
“Ulla, is it accurate to say you have evolved from that period in your life and have learned to manage both smoking and alcohol consumption today?”
“Yes, I stopped smoking in high school because I was too slow on the basketball court. As for alcohol, I have a glass of wine at celebrations and that’s about it. So, I have moved on from those days.”
“So, could Ulrik also learn from his tattoo in some similar way?”
“Yes, I suppose so, but he is leaving visible scars on his body? I haven’t done that, Ken?”
“I don’t know if you have Ulla, but I bet there are medical people who would say you are damaging your feet and back with high heels and your skin with chemicals and so on. Do you see what I’m saying here?”
“Yes, I get it! It is all about who is judging!”
“…would you want to deprive Ulrik of the chance to learn, what he needs to learn, from his tattoo?”
And, Ulla, since you are alive and well today and are a successful person; can you see how smoking and drinking must have enabled you to learn things which have served you well, even though other people may not have approved?”
“Well, I do take a certain pride, even today, in being independent and my own person. Could that have been one of the reasons, I wonder?”
“My best guess is that it was probably one of them. And, would you want to deprive Ulrik of the chance to learn, what he needs to learn, from his tattoo?”
“When you put it that way…no, I wouldn’t, Ken. Not at all!” she replied.
“Let me offer you a thought. Since you are alive and well today, can you see your life demonstrates you have never made a mistake at any second, the entire time?”
“Wow! Run that by me again! I think I missed something!” she said in a surprised voice.
“So, how could one of those decisions be a mistake?”
“Ulla, can you see as a person you only control three things in your life: your perceptions, your decisions and your actions…in other words, how you perceive things, what you decide about them and what actions you take about them?”
She paused briefly and then replied,
“Yes, that makes sense, I can see that, Ken.”
“At every second in your past, when you were needing to make a decision, you did and then took action.
And, that action got you through that moment…you survived. Then you had another perception, another decision and another action.”
I continued the thought,
“And, you have never stopped doing that! So, how could one of those decisions be a mistake? Each one helped empower you to survive and evolve safely right up to now?”
“But, what about other people and their opinion?”
“Their opinion comes from their values, their life experiences, not yours! That’s why your parents did not share your opinion on smoking and drinking. They couldn’t because they had different life experiences.”
She responded with,
“So, the same is true of Ulrik… and me …and his Dad, too! That’s what’s going on. So, you’re suggesting, Ulrik is learning important things for his future with his tattoo?”
“…trust he knows what he is doing for his future and respect his need to learn about life his way…”
“My experience tells me he will get smarter and stronger in some way for his future by getting that tattoo. If you watch carefully, respectfully and even ask him, if you think it’s appropriate, the learning will be there.”
“That would mean I could just trust he knows what he is doing for his future and respect his need to learn about life his way…and not my way or his Dad’s way!”
“That sounds very wise, Ulla!”
“If I can get his father to come with me to see you next week, would you share these ideas with him as well?”
“It would be my privilege, Ulla! Let’s set it up right now!”
“Great! And, thank you!”
“I think someone should explain to the child that it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, athlete
Points to ponder and remember
Our children are hard-wired to ensure their own survival and well-being.
We can protect them, temporarily, from hot stoves and hostile dogs while they are very young and unaware.
But, their job is to learn to protect themselves, so they can have the future they desire.
As they practice this learning journey, they gain increased awareness and skills.
Like us, they will use popular, current behaviours as learning tools for their evolution.
Denying them this opportunity can leave them naive and ill-prepared for their future.
Denying them these opportunities leaves them too dependent and vulnerable.
Trusting, that they are learning important things in their own way, is wise parenting.
Isn’t this what our own parents strived to do in raising us?
Shouldn’t we give them the same respect, we received from our parents?
Visit my website for more info!
Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years. He has served thousands of people of all ages from a diverse spectrum of life challenges. This group include executives, teams, organizations, individuals, couples and families. He has served on the faculty of two post-secondary institutions, Holland College and the University of Prince Edward Island.
Ken was also the first psychologist globally to achieve Master Facilitator credentials with the renowned Demartini Institute and is a Senior Faculty of the Glasser Institute. He has spoken at many regional, national and international events. As head of the The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. (TPI), a community service facility, he is a leader in moving clinical psychology forward by transforming a labelling and medicating focus to appreciating human adaptions as tools for empowerment. This is demonstrated in the latest research in evolutionary anthropology, biology, neurology, psychiatry and psychology. This scientific approach is found in the work of Drs. William Glasser and John Demartini and the services of TPI.
Ken resides in Stratford, Prince Edward Island with Anna, his partner of 50 years. They have three daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
