Why Your Intuition Is the Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need
- 2 days ago
- 9 min read
Written by Dr. Dain Heer, Speaker and Author
Dr. Dain Heer is an avid explorer of possibilities and an internationally recognized author and speaker. As the founder of the annual International Being You Day and Co-creator of Access Consciousness, one of the largest personal development movements practiced in 176 countries, Dain serves as a catalyst for empowering individuals to realize they can change anything in their lives. For over 30 years, he has encouraged people to view their differences as strengths, amplify their uniqueness, and fully embrace their greatness!
Ah, February 14th just came and went. For many in the Western hemisphere, it was a day filled with the usual relentless bombardment of pink hearts, romantic comedies, and societal pressure to "find your person" or solidify your "relationship status." Even though the specific date is behind us, the energetic residue of Valentine's Day often lingers… It leaves us reflecting, or sometimes even reeling, from considering our love lives.
And if you're single, or if your current relationship isn't quite the fairy tale depicted in those commercials, that lingering energy can still feel like a giant spotlight shining on everything you think you're "doing wrong."
What if you're not wrong—what if you were just never taught how to date? Not in a way that actually works, anyway, a way that truly involves you. We've been given rules, expectations, and a whole lot of prescriptive realities that have nothing to do with us, our bodies, or our own energetic awareness.
What if I told you that dating doesn't have to be a minefield of disappointment and self-judgment? What if it could actually be easy? And dare I say it, fun?!
I'd like to give you a radically different tutorial on dating for the energetically intuitive. So, if you suspect you might be one of those different beings who know there's more to life and love than what meets the eye, read on!
Step 1: Your energetic GPS: Pre-date clarity
One of the biggest culprits in the dating disaster zone is something I call 'presumptive realities.' Think of them as invisible chains, built from expectations, past experiences, and a whole lot of made-up stories about what dating should be.
Presumptive realities are basically all the judgments of the way things should be—how you should be, how they should be, how everything should be—and none of it has anything to do with you getting to be you, or them getting to be them. It's one of the major parts that keep people from being the gifts they are and from seeing the gifts others are.
You meet someone, and suddenly, all kinds of energetic stuff gets activated. It's like a whirlwind of: "Oh, they remind me of my ex..." "This is going to be the one!" "They look exactly like that guy from that rom-com..."
Then, if the actual date doesn't show up exactly the way we expected, we crash into a wall of "wrongness." Either we are wrong, or they are wrong, or the entire universe is wrong. What if you're not wrong and nothing else is? What if it just doesn't match the presumptive reality and stories we bought about what a perfect date should be?
Let's get real for a moment. How many of these presumptive realities have you bought from your mom? And your dad? And your friends? And all the movies you've seen, books you've read, and stories you've heard since childhood? From Cinderella to the latest dating app algorithm, we're constantly fed narratives about what love and partnership should look like.
But what if all those stories aren't actually your stories? What if they're creating blind spots, preventing you from truly seeing the person in front of you, and even more importantly, from truly being seen as you?
Most of us actively make ourselves unaware to try and create the reality we've been told we should have. The reality that everyone else has told us is "right," but which actually doesn't work for us. A little hint: When you're functioning from what's true for you, everything works with ease. For me, when I'm willing to be clear on what's actually true for me and what I'm actually getting myself into, it's so much easier to hear the whispers of my awareness.
What if you allowed yourself to have total awareness of everything that's going on for them, and everything that's going on for you, and not judge any of it?
So, before you even say "yes" to that coffee date or swipe right again, let's tap into that energetic GPS of yours. Ask yourself:
"Can I truly be me with this person?"
This is a big one. If the answer feels like a "no" or heavy in your gut, consider the possibility of saying "no" to the date.
Am I actually suggesting cancelling a date before you even go on it—based on this weird, wacky thing called your awareness?
Yes, I am! Because that awareness is the one thing that will allow you to have your own back, if you follow it. I know that can sound provocative, especially since we're so conditioned to say "yes," but how much energy do you expend trying to be someone you're not? And is it really a good investment for the future?
Step 2: Your body’s intuition
So let's say you have a date and you're getting ready! And boom—your intuition just went into an even higher gear!
So, if you find yourself trying on every outfit and nothing looks good, it's a potent awareness. So potent, actually, that you may (once again) consider cancelling the date. Come up with any excuse and don't go.
Now, why am I saying this? (I know you don't want to hear it, but listen closely!) Here's what I've found – and this works for any event, not just dates: if you're feeling that 'nothing looks good' frustration, it often means you're already aware of the future energy of the date. You're already stepping into the energetic box you'll have to live through.
So, if you're going to be around somebody who is dynamically judgmental, you'll have a difficult time seeing the beauty of you on the date—and you know this already, even as you're trying to find out what to wear.
Ask yourself: "Is this my judgment or theirs?" Trust your energetic pings, my intuitive friend. You know, you always know!
It sounds deceptively simple, and a lot of people are like, "What?! It's that simple?" Yes, it is that simple.
Step 3: The date itself: Being, not doing
So let me give you a little exercise to explain what I'm talking about. This is about using your awareness to get a sense of the date before you even go on it! And no, don't try to think this—just simply tap into the energy of it.
You're dressed, you're present, you're ready. Now, imagine walking into the restaurant where your date is. You see them inside. Notice what energy that brings up. Take it in.
You walk up to them, and they walk up to you. You give them a hug. Can you feel your heartbeat? Pitter-pat, pitter-pat, pitter-pat?
You're in this hug for a moment, and it's just one of those "Oh my goodness" moments. As you're pondering this hug, do you have a sense that it's one of those people you could just stay hugging forever, because it's so nurturing to your body and so kind and caring? Then this date is off to a good start!
After the hug, you both stand there. Just sense that moment. Is there ease, or is there some awkwardness? And is that awkwardness theirs, yours, or both? Simply observe.
Because, if you are willing to be aware of that, with no point of you, you also have the power to influence where this date goes. Yes, you!
Is there something you can be, do, say, or choose in that moment that will help both of you relax even more? And always start with you! It's like on an airplane—put the oxygen mask on yourself first. What can you be that would allow you be you in this moment?
Few things activate us more than dating. It stirs up everything about our image, self-judgment, and questions like "will this person like me?" and "do I like them?" That's why I was encouraging you to leave your presumptive beliefs at home! That way, you can navigate theirs much more easily.
Because, my intuitive friend, you are very aware. You're going to be very aware of every point of view they have, every judgment, everything that they will not address in their world, everything that they think is right and wrong, and good and bad.
And what most of us do is try to bend, fold, staple, and mutilate ourselves into pretending to be the perfect box for this person, even though we don't even really like ourselves when we're trying to be that box.
As you may have noticed by now, this dating advice is not necessarily for the faint of heart, or for those who are totally comfortable living from an image! This is for the few of us who desire a truly authentic experience and an authentic interaction with others and ourselves.
See if you start by giving them a false version of who you are, and you choose to go further and start a relationship, you've already started it off by not being you. That's not kind to you. Or to them.
Step 4: Redefining dating success
Newsflash, kids: the world is changing. In fact, I would say one of the most seductive and attractive things in the world is when somebody looks at us with no judgment. In order to do that, someone has to truly be them, not from a fixed point of view and not hiding who they are or holding back.
And also, when that person looks at us with no judgment, we can't help but melt. Let's contrast that with what most people do: They put on an image to impress someone else and make them like them. They're not really being them, they're not really being present; they're just trying to be "successful" at dating.
Well, let me ask you this: how much have you hidden in the past as a way of trying to be successful at dating, trying to get people to like you, trying to get their approval, and trying to be the person that you either knew or presumptively decided they wanted you to be, rather than being you?
What if you didn't have to do that anymore? What if your target for the date were simply to go, be truly you, and have fun regardless of what is going on for the other person?
What if you could let go of all the projections, expectations, and judgments of you, of you on a date, of you with this person on a date, of you and your past dates, of you and everything associated with dating? (Phew!)
And what if the most surprising intimacy is waiting for you beyond all the stories you've been told and bought as real?
These tools are a way of getting to what is true for you. Instead of starting off a relationship by lying to be liked, you begin with brutal self-honesty, by listening to your awareness. And that gives you a different space for creating something that could truly be an addition to your life!
Alas, for your next date, I invite you to follow the energy, and be in the question: "What are the infinite possibilities for this date? And can I have fun with this person?”
You don't need to know the answer cognitively. Just ask. Because in asking, you're bringing the universe along on your date. And the universe always adds the most unexpected—and big!—magic.
You create your future dating life by choosing who you listen to: Your presumptions – or your acute, energetic awareness.
Shhh, maybe even this article is your intuition whispering to you?
“Your dating life is yours to create,” it says. “And it starts right now. Welcome!”
Ready to drop the need for approval and create real intimacy with yourself and others? Dive into Dr. Dain Heer’s transformative online course, Getting Out of Need & Into Intimacy, to create a life of greater ease, trust, vulnerability, and true connection with you.
Read more from Dr. Dain Heer
Dr. Dain Heer, Speaker and Author
Having grown up in a challenging environment in Los Angeles, Dain faced constant adversity but chose resilience over victimhood. His determination to create positive change has fueled every aspect of his work, from facilitating global classes to authoring books and developing business ventures embodying benevolent capitalism principles.
Dain draws from his personal experience to inspire individuals from all walks of life to create the money, happiness, and life they truly desire. In his talks and workshops, he offers a set of tools and step-by-step energetic processes that help people break free from limiting conclusions and judgments, guiding them toward a place of choice and transformative change.
As a conscious and innovative business leader, Dain’s passion for possibilities and creating a better planet fuels all of his projects, including Castello di Casalborgone, a luxurious castle in Italy restored to its former glory, a thriving ranch in Houston, and EL Lugar, a fully sustainable eco-retreat in Costa Rica, designed in harmony with the earth.
