Why You Keep Attracting Narcissistic Partners
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 31
- 4 min read
Dana Medvedev is a leading Intimacy & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and creator of REVIVE, a breakthrough program helping women rise from emotional manipulation, reclaim their power, and feel safe, sensual, and unstoppable again.
Many of the women I coach are successful, driven, emotionally aware, and yet they find themselves repeating the same painful story: falling for narcissistic men. The patterns vary, emotionally unavailable, overly charming and controlling, hot and cold, master manipulators, but the end result is the same: confusion, self-doubt, heartbreak.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth: these patterns are not random. They are echoes of your past, specifically of your earliest emotional training ground, your childhood, and often, your relationship with a narcissistic parent.
This article isn’t about blame. It’s about clarity. It’s about liberation.
Let’s unpack what really happens when a child is raised by a narcissistic parent, how that conditioning silently shapes their future relationships, and what it takes to finally reclaim emotional freedom.
The narcissistic parent: Emotional training in disguise
When we hear “narcissist,” we tend to imagine arrogance, vanity, and superiority. But narcissism, especially in a parent, can be more complex and subtle.
A narcissistic parent doesn’t necessarily scream or hit. More often, they:
Love you conditionally, when you perform, behave, or reflect well on them.
Make you responsible for their emotional state.
Invalidate your feelings or needs.
Flip between idealizing and devaluing you.
Use shame and control as tools for keeping power.
You might have had to become “the perfect child,” the achiever, the emotional caretaker, or the invisible one. You may have grown up believing that your value is based on how useful, pretty, quiet, successful, or pleasing you are.
In psychological terms, this is called enmeshment, when your sense of self is not allowed to fully form, because the parents’ needs take centre stage.
How this affect your adult relationships
When your core emotional blueprint is shaped by a narcissistic parent, your subconscious internalizes love as something that must be earned, never freely given. You develop an inner voice that mimics theirs: critical, anxious, or invalidating. You become disconnected from your emotional boundaries, and you mistrust your own intuition.
As an adult, this often translates into:
Low or fragile self-worth masked by perfectionism or over-functioning.
Attraction to emotionally unavailable or controlling partners.
A pattern of trying to “fix” or be chosen by someone who is withholding.
Difficulty identifying abuse because it feels familiar.
Narcissistic partners, whether grandiose or covert, are experts at recreating this dynamic. They offer affection selectively, create confusion, and keep you on an emotional rollercoaster. And because it mirrors your earliest relationship with love, it feels magnetic, even addictive.
The role of trauma bonds
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of abuse, reward, and confusion. These bonds are not about love. They are about survival. And if you grew up in an emotionally chaotic environment, your nervous system was trained to normalize emotional unpredictability.
When a narcissistic partner praises you one moment and withdraws the next, it taps into the same psychological loop you’ve known since childhood: “If I try harder, they’ll love me.”This isn’t love. It’s programming.
Breaking the pattern: It starts with awareness
The first step in healing is understanding that these patterns are not a reflection of your worth, they are the result of emotional conditioning. You were taught how to attach, how to tolerate pain, how to accept breadcrumbs and call it a connection.
But what you were taught can be unlearned.
Here’s how the healing begins:
1. Acknowledge the root
Naming your childhood experience for what it was, even if your parent “meant well”, is an act of emotional maturity. Narcissistic traits can be subtle, but they leave deep marks. Recognition is not about blame. It’s about liberation.
2. Rebuild emotional safety
Start cultivating a relationship with yourself that is consistent, compassionate, and safe. Begin with small questions: “What do I feel?” “What do I need?” Listen to the answers, even if no one else ever did.
3. Redefine love
Healthy love is not chaos. It is not hot and cold. It is not high-stakes, performative, or exhausting. Love, in its truest form, is grounded, reciprocal, and respectful. But before you can receive that kind of love from someone else, you have to offer it to yourself first.
4. Learn to set and hold boundaries
For many adult children of narcissists, setting boundaries feels like betrayal. You were trained to accommodate others at your own expense. But healing means learning to say “no,” even when it’s uncomfortable. Boundaries are not punishments, they are protection.
5. Choose consciously, not from the wound
Once you begin to recognize your patterns, you create space to choose differently. You stop chasing intensity and begin to value emotional availability. You begin to date from your wholeness, not your wound.
If you've found yourself repeatedly in relationships with narcissistic partners, the problem isn't that you're broken, it's that you've been conditioned to confuse intensity with intimacy.
You can learn something new. You can become emotionally sovereign. You can choose love that doesn’t cost you your dignity, your voice, or your peace.
The past may have shaped you, but it doesn't have to define you.
Read more from Dana Medvedev
Dana Medvedev, Narcissistic Abuse and Intimacy Coach
Dana Medvedev is an Intimacy and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and a survivor who turned her own trauma into transformation. She is the creator of REVIVE, a powerful program guiding women through the deep work of healing after narcissistic abuse, emotionally, psychologically, and somatically. Known for her sharp intuition, raw honesty, and deeply empathetic presence, she holds space without sugarcoating. Her no-nonsense style cuts through victimhood and confusion to help women reclaim their bodies, boundaries, and brilliance. Her mission is personal: to help others do what she did, break the cycle, rebuild from the inside out, and come home to themselves.
