Why You Are Not Attracting “The One” And How To Change It In 3 Steps

Written by: Sarinia Bryant, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

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One of the most common questions I receive from women in my line of work is, “Where are all the good men?” Interestingly enough, the men are on the other line asking me, “Where are all the good women?”

As I pondered what would happen if I held a singles event and invited both these groups of people to meet one another, I felt a strong suspicion that most would still not meet their One True Love.

Why do you ask?

Because the problem is not geographical location nor is the problem a shortage of good men and women.

The problem lies in you. Don’t worry, it lies in all of us. Allow me to share a personal story. And then I’m going to give you three steps to take to attract your person as soon as possible, so continue reading.

In 2015 I briefly dated a man.

He was handsome, kind, funny, smart, mature, and successful. He was a good man and wanted marriage and family. I could feel in my bones that this man would be an excellent husband and father. And he was super into me. But he just wasn’t for me. There was something missing. You know. At the time I said it was “passion”. But now I can identify it as something toxic. Yeah, that good ol’ toxicity was missing. I had my whole background of childhood trauma and failed relationships and he seemed pretty normal. Good family. Amical breakups. Solid guy. Not what I was looking for. So I broke it off. And I met someone else who checked off all the boxes. He was also handsome, funny, smart, charming, successful AND, totally unpredictable.

Long story short, the first guy is now married to someone else with children. God bless them.

As for me, I just left the six-year passionate rollercoaster ride of a relationship I was searching for. It was perfect. Full of ups and downs. Butterflies. Anxiety. Bliss. Confusion. Ecstacy. Betrayal. Hope. Heartbreak. Just absolutely spicy!

Suffice to say, the 30-year-old me now does not have the same desires or view of “passion” as the 24-year-old me did back then. I am now meeting men left and right who are just like the man I turned down all those years ago, and their sense of clarity and stability couldn’t turn me on more.

But we all know that age isn’t enough to change people. So what’s changed? Well, I’m going to give you 3 things you must do to end your cycle of chaos and attract high-quality men (or women) into your life ASAP.

1. You must heal your heart.

Many people are fed up by the time they are looking for their soulmate's future spouse because they’ve already been single for years. They think they should be ready by now because they’ve already spent so much time being single. They’re sick of the “just LOVE being single” advice. But being single doesn’t necessarily heal your heart. And neither does time. You must take action over your healing. You need a revelation.

Let’s say since you’re clearly not in charge of meeting your person when you want to meet them and how you want to meet them then God is in charge. And if God is in charge, then why hasn’t he sent you your person? Or what if he has? Would you have even seen, acknowledged, or appreciated them? (I didn’t with Prince Charming back in 2015). Of course, there isn’t only ONE person for us. I believe there are several options out of the billions of the bunch. Seems likely. But either God is sending them and you’re not healed and whole enough to accept True Love, OR, God is holding off until you’re ready. Either way, your healing is paramount.

How do you know you’re not healed enough?

For one, you ask questions like;

• Where are all the good men/women?

• Do they even exist?

• Don’t they all end up cheating anyway?

• Does anyone want monogamy anymore?

• Should I just settle?

Listen, if you don’t believe something exists, you will not recognize it for what it is. Your mind will turn it into something else.

A man will treat you well by being kind and consistent and you’ll think;

• He’s trying too hard.

• He’s too good. Too boring.

• He’s giving me affection I didn’t even earn.

• He’s probably lying. He’s playing me.

• This is too easy. His true colors will show soon.

• He must want something from me. Etc.

The reality is, when our hearts have been broken, we stop trusting others, we stop trusting ourselves, and we stop trusting love. And so we keep attracting what is familiar because, in some weird way, it’s what we trust. We trust dysfunction. We trust chaos. We trust the pain. As long as you are carrying that baggage around, you will be blind to real love, which is none of those things.

2. You must know your vision and your values and you must vet well.

The key to finding your future spouse is in your ability to recognize them. Do you even know what you’re looking for? If your only requirements are “tall, dark, and handsome”, then baby you’re in trouble! It’s safe to say that you weren’t qualifying the right people in the past. You made your choices based on attraction and butterflies. Maybe you even had a few shared interests; you both loved Thai food and art galleries. That’s pretty special. But it’s not enough.

You need to ask yourself this:

“Why didn’t my last relationships work out?”

There were clearly deal breakers. Identify them. Make them your nonnegotiables. Your nonnegotiables are the things you value. For example;

• Must value honesty

• Must value integrity

• Must value growth

• Must value faith

• Must value family etc.

Of course, your values are subjective and personal to YOU. It’s imperative, therefore, to figure out what your values are and then *ahem* make sure you are living in alignment with your own values. You can’t expect someone else who highly values integrity to be attracted to you if you’re kind of a flake.

Once you’ve got that down, write out your relationship vision. Imagine it as clear as day. What does life look like with this person? How does it feel? What are you doing? What are you creating together? What is the purpose of your relationship? If you don’t know where you want a relationship to take you, then you will let it take you anywhere. And you don’t want that. Once you know where you want to go, you know the relationship is over when it is not bringing you there. The biggest mistake people make in relationships is over-compromising and settling for people who are not supporting their dream life. Don’t do that. Among your other values, make sure you value yourself, your time, and your life.

When you know your value and your vision, vetting will be easy. You simply do not enter a relationship with anyone who is not on the same page as you. This is easier done when you do not sleep with a person prematurely but to each their own.

3. Be purposeful and passionate.

Suffice to say, you’re not going to meet the love of your life while you’re sitting on the couch in your pajamas eating Cheetos. You’re also not necessarily going to meet them when you’re all dressed up in your mini skirt and high heels at the club. (You might if you’re looking for someone who’s still hitting the clubs and scoping out hotties at the bar on Friday nights. Word to the wise: Your person isn’t going to change for you. Meet them where you want them and how you like them.)

Most people will tell you that they met their person when they least expected it. They weren’t searching. They weren’t longing. They were just being. And they were happy. That’s the place you want to be when you meet your other half. You want to be in your wholeness. So who are you in your wholeness? What are you focusing on? What are you creating? What are you wearing? What are you doing for fun? What are you feeding yourself? What’s fulfilling you in life?

Imagine your soulmate walked into your life right now and asked you all these questions. What would you say to them? Would you light up as you talk about your day? Or would you feel anxious and shy because you have nothing to add to the conversation?

You don’t have to try to be interesting. You don’t have to be anyone that you’re not. You just have to be doing the things that interest YOU. Why would your person be by anyone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are?

I guarantee that when you focus on your healing and gain a new sense of self-worth, a whole new world of opportunities will open up for you and your True Love will walk right into your life.

Follow me on Instagram, and visit my website for more info!

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Sarinia Bryant, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Sarinia Bryant is a published poet, writer, and love coach. Creator of REALove, a mentorship program where she coaches women through a process of healing and transformation in love and relationships. Sarinia’s goal is to support women to step into their true selves and break unhealthy relationship patterns so we may create a ripple effect of healing on the planet. She believes relationships are the arena in which we grow most spiritually, and it is when we discover God, that we discover True Love.