Why Taking Responsibility for Your Life Is More Empowering Than Waiting for the Universe to Step In

Written by Thomasina Unsworth, Life Coach

Thomasina Unsworth is a life coach with a background in the arts. She is the author of two books on acting, having spent years as an actor and acting coach. She has just finished writing her debut novel. She understands the struggles facing those working in creative roles and champions the importance of creativity and The Arts for us all.

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Thomasina comes from a background of acting, writing, and teaching. She is a qualified coach and NLP practitioner. This combination of experience and training has enabled her to work with people in creative roles across a spectrum of areas. Her mission is to help people to clear the weeds and find the strategies and steps to move them into the lives they want to lead. Lives that align with their values and hold purpose and meaning for them.  Making changes, even the ones we long to make, can be daunting. She knows this well. As someone who made a huge transition from working for an institution, high status and well paid, to living a freelance life, she understands the fears surrounding change. She understands the changes that come with ageing, with children, with redundancy, with just trying to function in a world that keeps on shifting. It is so easy to feel lost. It is so easy to feel blocked. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed. But Thomasina believes in the potential in all of us to transform the situations we find ourselves in. Sometimes we just need the space, and the right questions asked of us to gain clarity, reignite motivation, boost confidence, and above all to take action.

Everything happens for a reason

How many times have you heard someone say this? Perhaps it is something you say yourself? When things go wrong. When life takes an unwanted turn. When we look around and the goals we started out with seem to have faded like a half-forgotten dream. We comfort ourselves, don’t we? And God knows, sometimes we just need a bit of comfort. Because life can be hard and bewildering, and let’s face it, just not fair. That's scary. And we don’t always feel in control of what is happening. Then, we turn to quick fixes. Like that massive bar of chocolate we devour while watching a rerun of a TV show that requires no thought, like buying random stuff online for a quick hit of dopamine. Like that extra glass of wine that we don’t really want but we drink because we tell ourselves it will help us to relax. And does any of it make us feel better? I mean,n really better? Long-term better? When we say, ‘everything happens for a reason,’ what we are saying is, ‘this is beyond my control, and I can’t do anything about it.’ Instead of doing something that might help us move on, we give ourselves a quick fix, putting the responsibility onto someone or something else so that we get to feel a bit better about it all. And do we actually feel better? And really, when you look at what is happening in parts of this world, can you fathom a reason?

Just ask the universe

I have long struggled with the view that all you have to do is manifest what you want and then you get it. Ask The Universe in the right way and you shall receive. There are several reasons why I have issues with this. For starters, it feels hugely narcissistic; why should The Universe care if I get rich or not, or get that job or not, or meet that dream partner or not? I have even heard someone ask The Universe for a parking space outside their front door and then expect to get it. Surely, The Universe has better things to do. What, with all those people suffering in the world, who every moment of the day and night are crying out for help? It simply does not seem credible that if I just think a certain way then things will just turn out a certain way. “Hang on!” I hear you say. “Are you telling me that our thoughts aren’t powerful, that we can’t effect change in our lives through the ways we think?” NO! In fact, quite the reverse. But simply manifesting and waiting for the universe to deliver is surely magic thinking. And what if you are manifesting for something that lives outside the realms of possibility? You know, I will never, no matter how much I visualise it, be romantically linked to Barack Obama. Much as I would love to be! (Apologies, husband.) I am doomed to be disappointed if I rely on manifestation alone.

Ok. So, what can I do?

Reconnect with your optimism

I know; sometimes we just aren’t feeling very hopeful. We look around and nothing makes us smile very much. But there will be something that lifts you. Even if it is just the arrival of spring bringing with it longer lighter evenings. Or a song that comes on the radio and takes you back to a happy memory at a happier time. Tiny things to hold onto that release your breath and remind you that things really can get better. NLP practitioners use anchoring techniques to embed chosen positive emotions in the body, to draw on when needed. These emotions are associated with times in the past when we have had a feeling that corresponds with what we would like to feel now. When did you last feel optimistic? What were you seeing? What were you hearing? Where did you feel it in your body? We have been optimistic before and we can be optimistic again. Why is this important? Well, apart from optimism being such a wonderful thing to experience, studies have shown that optimistic people tend to live longer and enjoy better health.

Believe in your own capabilities

Believing in your own capabilities is associated with career success. I have clients who tell me that they can’t do something before they have really worked out whether that is true or not. The beliefs we hold about ourselves are often passed on to us from other people. Some from as far back as early childhood. Or perhaps there was a time when we didn't succeed at something and as a result, we have created barriers for ourselves. It might feel easier to avoid the scary possibility of failure than risk trying again. What could we do if we let go of all those learned beliefs? The athlete preparing for a race doesn’t tell themselves that they are going to trip or be outrun. If they did that, they wouldn’t bother leaving the blocks. Leave the blocks!

Remind yourself of your own achievements

Reminding yourself of your achievements and values can boost self-esteem and reduce stress. Think about all the things you have overcome. All the things you have done. It is not arrogant to be proud of your successes. How we define success, though, is unique to us. I have clients who define it as writing a string of bestsellers. Others who would feel they had achieved something huge if they just got out of bed earlier every morning. This is a no-comparison zone. Comparing our success to other people’s rarely leads to anything good.

Practice gratitude

Being grateful for what you have is great for your mental health. This isn’t a new thought, but it is easy to forget to take the time to focus on what is joyful, or rewarding, or simply not so bad! Lots of people keep gratitude journals. I love reading mine back. The number of times I have written a hot cup of coffee in the morning is ridiculous, but on a day when nothing else seems to be going very right, it is a little beacon reminding me that there was a lovely moment in it. Some people don’t like writing things down. Instead, they give themselves some mental space to flip the negatives and remember that there were positives along the way.

Perceive a threat as an opportunity

Perceiving a threat as an opportunity can enable you to do more. Yes, it could all go wrong. Yes, they might not offer you the job. They might not understand your ideas. They might not like what you have to offer. That book may never get published. That person might laugh at you. There is always the threat of it just not working out. And, of course, the threat of the soul-crushing feelings of disappointment or humiliation that might follow whatever we have set out to do and not achieved. However, however daunting that threat might be, it also brings opportunity: to prove them wrong, to become more resilient, to come up with a new solution, to not care so much, to try a new approach, to just not get stuck in the same old rut you were in before.

Set clear goals

Setting clear goals allows you something to aim for, and when you have something to aim for then you can plan your trajectory to the target. I used to be an actor and there are questions that actors often ask themselves when approaching a character. What is the character's objective? Why do they want it? What is their obstacle? What actions do they take to get what they want? Through this process actors can understand the character, what matters to them, and how to move them forwards. The same applies to real life. Start with the end in mind, then work out how to get there. Include timelines. Think about what curve balls might get thrown at you and what you could do to prepare yourself when you hit walls and sticking points. How much do you want what you want? What are the consequences of getting it? Who else might it affect? If you project yourself forward and imagine you are old and sitting in a rocking chair surrounded by younger generations of loved ones, what would you like to be telling them about the story of your life? In order to tell that story in the future, you need to know what it is you want now

Things do happen for a reason

Yes. Yes, they do! They happen because of what we do and how we respond to what comes at us. I am not talking about tragedies and seismic disasters here. I am talking about the day-to-day struggles, the lack of confidence we experience, the dreams we let go of because we have decided they are beyond our reach, the difficult situations where we feel lost or confused, the moments when we can’t see clearly and just need some clarity to make a decision. If we look for opportunities, we can find them. If we shift our patterns of thinking, we can be liberated from self-limiting beliefs. If we change our behaviour we can change our lives. I believe we can achieve so much more than we think we are capable of. Not through waiting for the Universe to rescue us and not by abdicating responsibility. Why do I believe this? Well, because I see it daily in the work that I do as a coach. The work on conscious goal setting. The work on overcoming obstacles. The work to find strategies. The work to become self-aware. The work to feel self-compassion. The work to reframe negative thoughts. Yes, it is work. No comforting platitudes. No passing on accountability. But isn’t that better than a quick fix that has no lasting meaning and gets us nowhere? We don’t need to settle for being rescued by a universe that, quite honestly, if it does exist as an engaged entity, seems to have selective hearing. We own the power. We’ve got this.

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Read more from Thomasina Unsworth

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Thomasina Unsworth, Life Coach

Thomasina Unsworth comes from a back ground in acting, writing, and teaching. She is a certified coach and NLP practitioner. This combination of experience and training has enabled her to work with people in creative roles across a spectrum of areas. Her mission is to make coaching accessible to all. She champions the importance of creativity and the arts in all of our lives.