Why Self-Care Isn't Selfish, It's Maintenance
- 20 hours ago
- 4 min read
Sarah Maynard is a BGN-certified lifestyle coach for tired and overwhelmed mothers. She is the founder of Body & Mind in Harmony and creator of a group program, built on her belief that nervous system regulation comes before any other wellness goal.
If you've ever felt guilty for taking twenty minutes to yourself, you've probably also heard the word that makes it worse–selfish. It's one of the most damaging words in modern motherhood, because it quietly convinces mothers that their own needs are a threat to everyone else's. As a Beroepsvereniging Gewichtsconsulenten Nederland-certified lifestyle coach who works with overwhelmed mothers every week, I want to challenge that word directly. Self-care isn't selfish. It's maintenance, the same kind of maintenance you'd never skip on anything else that has to keep running day after day.
Self-care is maintenance, not a reward
Most mothers only think about self-care once they've completely run out of gas. It becomes the emergency bubble bath after a meltdown, the last-resort coffee alone in the car. But treating self-care as an emergency measure is like changing your car's oil only after the engine has already seized. Maintenance works because it happens before the breakdown, not after it. Your nervous system needs the same logic. Small, regular moments of rest, breath, movement, and connection keep you running. They're not a reward you earn once everyone else's needs are met.
What happens when maintenance gets skipped
The scale of what's at stake here is bigger than most mothers realize. A recent workplace mental health analysis found that 93% of mothers report feeling burned out, a rate far higher than fathers report. Research keeps confirming what that number suggests. A review of burnout prevention strategies found that self-care directly mediates the relationship between stress and burnout, meaning it's not just a nice add-on. It's one of the actual mechanisms that determines whether chronic stress turns into full burnout or not.
Add to that the guilt layer. A BabyCenter survey found 94% of mothers experience parenting-related guilt, and a large share of that guilt shows up specifically around self-care itself. In other words, most mothers are running on empty and feeling bad about trying to refill the tank. That combination is exactly why burnout among mothers has become so normalized, not because mothers don't know self-care matters, but because guilt keeps talking them out of it.
Why "selfish" is the wrong word
Selfish implies taking something away from someone else. But a mother who is regulated, rested, and has some sense of herself outside of her role has more patience, more presence, and more capacity for the people she loves, not less. The opposite is actually true. Running on empty is what takes something away. It's what shows up as snapping at your kids over nothing, feeling resentful toward your partner, or going through the motions of a bedtime routine without actually being present for it. Self-care doesn't compete with taking care of your family. It's what helps you do it well, consistently, without quietly falling apart in the background.
What self-care actually looks like day to day
Self-care doesn't need to be big, like a spa day or a solo weekend away. Those things are nice, but they're not realistic maintenance for most mothers' actual lives, and waiting for them means going long stretches without any maintenance at all. Real, sustainable self-care looks smaller and more frequent: a daily check-in with yourself before the day takes over, a few minutes of conscious breathing when you feel your body tense up, stepping outside for air before you respond to something that upsets you. These aren't complex extras. They're the small, repeatable habits that keep your nervous system from tipping into overwhelm in the first place, which is exactly the approach I walk through in the first episode of my YouTube series, How to Mom, Guilt Free.
The ripple effect: How your regulation affects your kids
One more piece of this often gets missed. Your children are learning what self-care looks like by watching you, not by hearing you talk about it. A mother who never takes a moment for herself is quietly teaching her kids that this is what being a grown-up, or being a mother, requires. A mother who protects small pockets of rest and regulation, even imperfectly, models something different: that taking care of yourself isn't optional, and it isn't something you apologize for. That lesson tends to matter more, long-term, than almost anything else you could teach.
The takeaway
Self-care isn't a luxury, and it isn't selfish. It's maintenance, the ongoing, unglamorous upkeep that keeps you able to show up for the people who depend on you. The guilt that tells you otherwise isn't protecting your family. It's just keeping you depleted.
If you want to go deeper into why this matters and how to actually start practicing it, I unpacked all of this in the first episode of my YouTube series, How to Mom, Guilt Free. Watch the episode here. It's short, honest, and made for exactly the mother reading this. You matter too.
Read more from Sarah Maynard
Sarah Maynard, Wellness & Health Coach for Moms
Sarah Maynard is a BGN-certified lifestyle coach who helps overwhelmed mothers reconnect with themselves before trying to fix anything else. After navigating motherhood without a nearby support network and drawing on 8 years as a youth care facilitator, she built her practice around one contrarian idea. Nervous system regulation has to come first before diet, fitness, or any habit change can stick. She founded Body & Mind in Harmony to guide mothers aged 25-45 through this shift, offering 1-on-1 coaching, a group program, and in-person community events. Her message to every mother she works with is simple. You matter too.
