What If There Is a Positive Intention Behind Anger?
- 3 hours ago
- 6 min read
In this series, Elizabeth Ballin, PCC, offers reflections from her coaching and mindfulness practice on how people discover insight, meaning, and resilience in the changing landscape of modern life. Her perspective is rooted in years of working with people from many cultures and in a driven curiosity that understands human growth as life in motion.
Anger is an interesting emotion because, as uncomfortable and sometimes destructive as it can be, it usually has a positive intention behind it. That may sound contradictory. What could be positive about wanting to scream at someone, say something cruel, or throw something across the room? The behavior it provokes may not be positive at all. But underneath it all, anger is trying to do something for us.
Anger can also feel good, honestly. Don't most people get some satisfaction out of finally letting go and saying what they really feel? In that moment, you probably don't want to calm down because the anger feels justified. That's part of why it's so hard to control.
There are many techniques to control one’s overreaction to anger once it's already there, like taking a breath, counting to ten, or walking away. While these strategies can be effective in the heat of the moment, it is also important to understand how anger develops before it becomes overwhelming.
There is an enormous difference between feeling anger and acting on it. The impulse can feel completely justified while we are experiencing it, but the anger may pass in ten minutes while the consequences can remain for years. Sometimes, though, a person stays angry because some part of them believes the anger itself will get them what they want.
So maybe the better question isn't "How do I control my anger?" Maybe it's "What is my anger actually trying to do for me?"
What is the positive intention?
During coach training, one approach stood out: getting curious about the positive intention behind a reaction instead of just trying to shut it down.
A "positive" intention here doesn't mean the actions taken in anger are justifiable, or that the intention itself is morally good. Someone's anger may drive them toward goals that only benefit themselves, or even into controlling behavior. It means the anger serves a real personal need, like protection, power, or regaining something that feels threatened or lost. Separating the behavior from that underlying motivation makes it possible to address the real need directly.
We react to the meaning we give an experience
We often think an event alone causes our anger. Someone interrupts us in a meeting, and we interpret it as, "He doesn't respect me." At that point, we're not only responding to the interruption. We're responding to what it may mean to us, and that meaning carries an emotional charge we might not even notice.
That's why two people can go through nearly the same situation and come out completely differently. Same words, different meaning. And that meaning is where the real work with anger starts.
Start with the body
When anger comes up for a client, many describe it the same way: it feels like it comes out of nowhere, like a volcano, and afterward, they're left with guilt, shame, or the quiet fear that something is wrong with them. One client, a composite of many I've worked with over the years, put it this way: "I don't even recognize myself when it happens. And then I hate myself for hours afterward."
So I start with, "Where do you feel it in your body?" Tightness in the chest? Rising heat in the face? A clenched jaw? Instead of rushing to make the sensation go away, I ask them to notice it.
Then I ask, "If this part of your body revealed a positive intention behind the anger, what would it be?" Say the answer is self-protection. Maybe the client says, "It means people can't walk all over me." So I ask, "If you had a sense of self-protection, what would it give you?" Strength? Safety? Confidence? We're peeling the onion one layer at a time, moving toward what's actually going on inside the person.
Naming what is underneath the anger
The anger itself is not always about the thing that set it off. Someone's interruption, a partner's unfulfilled promise, or a friend's tone in an email may be what sets off the anger rather than the whole cause. Dig one layer down, and the disrespect they describe may mean something more specific: "He doesn't value what I have to say." Dig further, and there's a feeling underneath that meaning. Often, it lands somewhere like: "I feel insignificant."
The conversation started with anger at another person over something perhaps minor and ended up somewhere much more personal. That's often where the real intensity of the reaction is coming from.
If the client feels insignificant, what would help them feel significant instead? This is where the work begins. The same pattern can show up with other emotions too. Insecurity may point toward a desire for security. Rejection may point toward belonging. Helplessness may point toward personal power.
Naming the emotion gives the work somewhere to go. Instead of "He's disrespecting me again," maybe they notice, "Oh, this is my feeling of being insignificant again," and ask, "What actually is important to me right now?"
Keep the intention, change the strategy
Just telling someone to control their anger usually doesn't work. If the intention behind someone's anger is self-protection, and they're told to stop being angry, part of them may hear that as, "Stop protecting yourself." That's why it works better to understand the intention and change the strategy instead.
Take a client whose temper flared every time a coworker took credit for her work in meetings. Underneath, she was looking for self-protection, a need not to be walked over. Instead of asking her to let go of that need, we explored a strategy that was more likely to give her what she wanted.
So we asked: if she felt fully and completely protected, what would the disagreement actually look like?
The same question works for anyone. Understanding what it is that you are truly after is the first step in building better strategies in an argument. Once you are clear about what you want, you can find the courage to communicate your goal and set the boundaries you need. You haven't given up the need for self-protection. You are simply finding a better strategy for meeting it.
This won’t happen overnight. Catching the eruption of emotion before it turns to rage takes awareness, and that awareness is built over time. Be compassionate with yourself in the moments when you don't catch it. Rage can move faster than thought, and it takes practice to become aware of it before it takes over. This highlights the importance of continuous, intentional practice in recognizing and reflecting on emotional needs, not just when the emotions are out of control.
When coaching is not enough
Coaching can help people recognize their triggers and find new ways to meet the intention behind their reactions. But there's a limit, and I've seen it firsthand.
One client, a composite of situations I've encountered over the years, came in after discovering his wife's infidelity. He wanted answers, apologies, and the love he felt he had lost. His anger stayed high throughout the day and into the night, and to him, it felt completely justified.
Anger often creates an urge toward action. We want to confront, fix, defend, reclaim, or change something. But with him, staying angry wasn't leading to the action he wanted. Some part of him believed that if he stayed there long enough, he would find the answer. Instead of exploring what was underneath the anger, he stayed in it, as if the anger itself was the answer.
That's when I knew coaching wasn't going to be enough. What he needed was time and the support of therapy, someone who had the training to work with him on a deeper level than coaching could.
In the end, it’s about knowing what you want
By the time someone is in full rage, the urge to react impulsively can overwhelm everything else. That’s why taking the time to find out what other emotions are underneath the anger must happen earlier: learning what anger feels like in the body, staying curious about its intention, and naming what’s underneath it. Then, when anger starts rising again, there’s a better chance of understanding the reason before reacting. By creating that small space, you can decide what the best way to respond is.
Anger is not an enemy. It can have bad manners but good intentions. It may be trying to defend you, restore a sense of power and identity, or recover something you feel you’ve lost. The work isn’t to silence it, but to understand what it’s really trying to achieve and to find a healthier way to get there.
Read more from Elizabeth Ballin
Elizabeth Ballin, Professional Certified Coach
Elizabeth Ballin, PCC, is an International Coaching Federation (ICF)-accredited professional coach and mindfulness practitioner working globally with people and professionals from many backgrounds. She combines emotional insight, cultural intelligence, and practical structure to support meaningful growth. She brings a lifelong multicultural awareness, deepened by twelve years of coaching across more than twenty cultures, which helps her attune to the emotional and practical realities her clients face. Her writing spans themes such as curiosity, creativity, well-being, communication, judgment, and the inner shifts that support meaningful growth in the complexity of modern life.
