Why “Just Leave” Is the Worst Advice You Can Give a Narcissistic Abuse Survivor
- 12 hours ago
- 7 min read
Written by Lisa Major, Guest Writer
When someone you care about is trapped in a narcissistically abusive relationship, “get out” might seem like the obvious advice. This article explains why it’s not. The psychology of narcissistic abuse creates conditions that make leaving not just difficult but, for many, genuinely dangerous. As a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician and Person-Centred Psychotherapist, I work with the mechanisms that keep people trapped and they have nothing to do with weakness.
What actually happens to the self in a narcissistic relationship?
To understand why people stay, you first must understand what narcissistic abuse does to the architecture of the self. This goes well beyond ‘low self-esteem’ or ‘not knowing your worth’ which is the kind of reductive framing that saturates most advice on the topic.
Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred therapy, described a concept called the organismic valuing process, our innate capacity to evaluate experience from within, to know what feels right and what feels wrong based on our own internal compass. In a healthy relational environment, this process operates freely. You feel hurt, you register hurt. You sense danger, you respond accordingly. Your experience and your awareness of that experience are congruent or aligned.
Narcissistic abuse systematically dismantles this alignment. This happens through persistent gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement and the imposition of what Rogers termed conditions of worth. This ‘conditioning’ shows up in the rigid, shifting standards you must meet to receive any semblance of acceptance. You gradually lose access to your own evaluative processes. You stop trusting your perception. You begin interpreting your experience through the abuser’s framework rather than your own. Rogers would recognise this as a catastrophic externalisation of the ‘locus of evaluation’. What this means for survivors is that instead of ‘knowing from within’, you are trained to look to someone else to tell you what is real.
The clinical term for this state is incongruence. A fracture between your real experience and what you allow yourself to know about that experience. This is not a character flaw. It is a predictable neuropsychological response to sustained relational betrayal.
Why the brain cannot “just decide” to leave
Dr Ramani Durvasula’s clinical framework identifies the trauma bond as one of the primary mechanisms that keep people locked into narcissistic relationships. The concept, originally described by Dutton and Painter in 1981, refers to the formation of powerful emotional attachments under conditions of intermittent maltreatment and power imbalance. In narcissistic abuse, the neurochemical cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and occasional reprieve creates this reinforcement pattern and it operates on the same reward circuitry as addiction.
This goes deeper than only neurochemistry. Jennifer Freyd’s research on betrayal blindness demonstrates that when harm comes from someone upon whom you depend such as a partner, a parent or an employer, your psyche has a vested survival interest in not seeing it clearly. Awareness of betrayal by an attachment figure comes at a huge cost. If you fully recognise that the person you love and depend on is systematically harming you, the implications are overwhelming. Your relationship, your housing, your children’s stability, your social world, your identity as it has been constructed around this partnership, all become destabilised. The organism suppresses the betrayal not because it is foolish but because doing so preserves the attachment upon which survival feels contingent.
This is compounded by what Lalich calls bounded choice, the reality that someone’s perception of their available options is constrained by their circumstances. Financial dependence, immigration status, children, religious community, cultural expectations, fear of escalated violence are not excuses. They are structural realities that narrow the corridors of possibility. When we tell someone to “just leave,” we are operating from outside these constraints and judging from a position of freedom the person does not have.
The cognitive architecture of staying
There is a further dimension that most popular accounts miss entirely. Festinger’s cognitive dissonance theory describes our fundamental human need for internal consistency. When a person holds two contradictory pieces of information simultaneously such as “this person loves me” and “this person is systematically harming me”, the psychological discomfort is intolerable. Something has to give.
In narcissistic abuse, the resolution almost always tilts toward justification. The person rationalises, “All relationships are difficult…I am expecting too much…If I were a better partner, this would stop”. The clinical literature on antagonistic relational stress describes this with devastating precision, motivated reasoning drives the person to justify using emotional reasons to reach a desired outcome - staying in the relationship. Feelings override rational evidence. The explanations tilt toward the beneficent. This is the core of what keeps people stuck.
Now here is the part that most advice-givers miss entirely, the self-blame is not just an emotional response. It serves a protective function. If the abuse is my fault, then I have agency. I can fix it. I can change, try harder, be better. The alternative, that this is about the other person’s characterological antagonism and nothing I do will alter it, is existentially terrifying. This framing strips away the illusion of control. People take on blame through the emotion of shame precisely because that formulation allows the relationship to sustain and the attachment to be preserved.
Rogers would have understood this immediately. The conditions of worth imposed by the narcissistic partner demand that the person sacrifice their organismic experiencing to maintain the relationship. You learn that your feelings are wrong, your perceptions are distorted, your needs are excessive. Over time, you internalise these conditions so thoroughly that they feel self-generated rather than imposed. The person is not choosing to stay in some straightforward, deliberate sense. They are operating within a self-structure that has been reorganised around the abuser’s reality.
What “just leave” actually communicates
When friends, family, or even therapists tell someone experiencing narcissistic abuse to “just leave,” the message received is rarely the one intended. What the person hears is confirmation of what the abuser has been telling them all along, that this situation is their fault, they are failing at something that should be simple, it is their inability to extract themselves which reflects a deficiency in character.
This is why the antagonism-informed treatment framework explicitly identifies “Why didn’t you leave?” as one of the most harmful questions a clinician can ask. It is a question predicated on a fundamental misunderstanding of the dynamics involved. It collapses the complexity of trauma bonding, betrayal blindness, cognitive dissonance, bounded choice and the systematic erosion of the internal evaluative processes into a simple failure of will. For a person already drowning in shame and self-blame, it is one more voice echoing the narrative that something is wrong with them.
The clinical reality is more nuanced. Working with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse cannot be reduced to the question of leaving. Many clients are not going to leave and effective therapeutic work has to account for that. It means fostering radical acceptance and realistic expectations, facilitating disengagement and lifting self-blame. It means connecting the relational behaviour to the fallout the client is experiencing and cultivating spaces where authenticity and individuation remain possible even within the constraints of the existing relationship.
What actually helps
Recovery from narcissistic abuse, whether someone is still in the relationship, has left, or is somewhere in the uncertain territory between, requires something fundamentally different from advice. It requires the restoration of the internal evaluative processes that the abuse dismantled.
In person-centred terms, this means creating therapeutic conditions that directly counter those of the narcissistic relationship. Where the relationship imposed conditions of worth, the therapeutic space offers unconditional positive regard. Where the relationship demanded an external locus of evaluation, therapy supports the gradual reclamation of the person’s own organismic valuing process. Where the relationship produced incongruence and self-fragmentation, the therapeutic relationship provides empathy and congruence that allow the person to begin tentatively trusting their own experience again.
As Joseph observed, while many therapeutic approaches might alleviate the symptoms of post-traumatic stress, only those that are actively facilitating the congruent integration of self and experience will lead to post-traumatic growth. For narcissistic abuse survivors, this distinction is critical. Symptom management is not sufficient. The damage is to the self-structure itself and meaningful recovery requires its reconstruction.
This is slow, non-linear work. Clinicians working with narcissistic abuse are effectively starting at square minus ten, the conditions for growth have been so thoroughly blocked that they must first be re-established before anything resembling traditional therapeutic progress can begin. The actualising tendency, Rogers’ foundational concept of the organism’s innate drive toward growth, does not disappear under narcissistic abuse it is profoundly obstructed. Unblocking it requires patience, clinical sophistication and above all, an understanding of what the person has actually been through.
Moving beyond simple narratives
If you know someone experiencing narcissistic abuse, the most useful thing you can do is resist the impulse to fix it for them. Sit with the complexity. Recognise that staying does not indicate a lack of intelligence, self-respect, or courage. Understand that the mechanisms holding them there such as betrayal blindness, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, the erosion of the internal locus of evaluation and bounded choice are formidable, well-documented psychological processes, not personal failings.
If you are the person in this situation, reading this, recognise that your difficulty in leaving is not evidence that something is wrong with you. It is evidence that something was done to you. The fact that you are reading about it, trying to make sense of it, engaging with the complexity of your own experience, that is your actualising tendency still at work. Still reaching toward growth, even when every condition for growth has been stripped away.
Specialised support exists. It is worth seeking out a therapist who understands the specific mechanisms of narcissistic abuse and antagonistic relational stress. Not just someone who treats generic trauma but someone trained in the particular dynamics that make this form of relational harm so resistant to the usual interventions.
Lisa Major, Guest Writer
Lisa Major MA PGDip is a Person-Centred Experiential Psychotherapist (MNCPS Accred) specialising in narcissistic abuse recovery. She is one of few practitioners globally certified by Dr Ramani Durvasula’s training and holds the NATC (Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician) credential. She practises at Sentio Psychotherapy in Widnes, Cheshire. For a free 30-minute consultation, visit Sentio Psychotherapy Practice.
