Why Having Kids Is So Hard On Your Marriage
- Dec 30, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: May 8, 2024
Written by: George Thorman, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Marriage is hard. Parenting is even harder. When you’re trying to do both at the same time, it can be difficult to balance competing priorities and maintain quality relationships. Knowing how to manage the dynamics of emotional connection and the science behind them can lead to a stronger marriage and a more fulfilled family. Married Doctors John and Julie Gottman have dedicated their lives to researching what makes marriages successful and what causes them to fail. They have studied over 40,000 couples ‒ some for as long as twenty years ‒ and can predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple will stay together. One of the biggest indicators is the couple’s response to what the Gottmanns termed “bids”.
What is a bid in a relationship?
Bids are the reaching out from one partner to the other for attention, affection, humor, or support. The partner can either turn toward the bid for a positive interaction that keeps the love flowing, they can ignore the bid, or they can turn away creating a negative interaction that erodes trust and connection. Couples who stayed together happily responded positively to each other’s bids 86% of the time. For couples that divorced that average was down to 33%. In other words, when your partner tries to connect with you by making a bid, turn toward them. Answering a bid seems like a very simple thing to do, but try adding in children. An astonishing 67% of new parents experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of their baby’s life. If you have a child under 10, especially more than one, you’ll find yourself in a juggling act. You’ve got work, grocery shopping, dinner, bath time, dishes, laundry, the dog needs to go out, bids from your child, friends, Mark Zuckerberg, that new episode of your favorite show. Now your spouse wants something, too. There are so many things making bids for our attention that we end up with what I call “bid exhaustion”. This constant stream of demand creates a feeling of burnout. It gets easier to check out than check-in. Our relationships suffer for it. Not just marriage, but your ability to answer the bids from your child as well.
It’s common to see parents give their children’s bids priority over their partner’s. It’s our biological imperative. However, this can cause one partner to feel hurt or snubbed when the other responds to their children’s bids instead of theirs. Those feelings can lead to disconnection and resentment. The time and consideration we give to our children often takes away from the time and emotional availability that we have for our partners. So what can we do to connect with our spouse and still be loving, attentive parents?
Answer your partner’s bids
It can be easy to miss subtle bids or blow them off when you feel busy or overwhelmed. Acknowledging your partner can go a long way to building trust and connection between you. Instead of“I’m doing something right now”, try “I need about 10 minutes to finish this and then I’d love to give you my attention”.
Make bids often
Do you consciously attempt to connect with your partner throughout the day? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Whether it’s a lunch hour text of a kissing emoji, taking them out on date night, sharing a story from your day, or kissing them goodnight, it’s good to give your spouse lots of opportunities to respond to your bids.
Make sure you are on the same page
Have open communication about your bid boundaries. It’s okay to specify a time when you’d like to be with them uninterrupted, like a weekly date night. Or let them know that you’d prefer to finish the conversation you were having before they help your daughter with her homework. It can help to clue your child in, too. “The parents are having a talk right now, but we’d be happy to help you with that when we are done."
Creating a daily “bid free time”
Even if it’s only for 15 minutes, create some time and space that is just yours. Make sure you are practicing good self-care. Support your partner in practicing good self-care, too. If you can fit in some quality one-on-one child with your child to take them to soccer practice or read them a book, your partner can use that as their bid free time. And vice versa.
Creating quality time for your marriage is the key to long-lasting happiness. It can be difficult to make space for that during the early parenting years, particularly before children are school-aged. However, you can more easily maintain your marriage through the child-rearing years by staying connected to your spouse through bids and responses. Try starting with, “Hey honey, did you see this article?”
George Thorman, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Have you ever met a woman named George before? No? Then George Thorman has already changed your life. Helping people change their lives wasn't what she set out to do, but after EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) helped her heal severe PTSD she knew she wanted to use it to help others. Since 2011 George has been facilitating personal development through her work as a Thetahealing Master, EFT Practitioner, and Optimize Coach. George's mission is to help people become the best version of themselves. Though she has called many cities and countries home over the years, these days you'll find her in Kansas City, Missouri, USA with her husband, son, and pets.
