Why Doesn’t She Just Tell Me What She Wants? – And Why That’s Completely the Wrong Question
- Brainz Magazine
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
Since 2005, Colin Richards has supported over 8,000 clients in enhancing sexual confidence and improving their intimate relationships through sensual treatment, counseling, and workshops. His holistic approach addresses the biological, psychological, and emotional aspects of sexuality, helping individuals and couples find balance to unlock potential.
Let’s start with a truth that many men find maddening, confusing, or at the very least deeply perplexing: Most women don’t know exactly what they want sexually. And even if they do, they’d really prefer you figure it out for yourself.
Yes, I know. That might sound like a set-up. But let me explain why this is not only true but beautifully logical if you care to understand how a woman experiences arousal, intimacy, and ultimately, desire.
The myth of “just tell me what you want”
In theory, it makes sense. You ask her what she wants. She tells you. You do it. Everyone’s happy.
But in practice? That’s not how female desire works.
Most women didn’t grow up being encouraged to explore their erotic preferences. They’ve often spent years (if not decades) being told what not to want, don’t be too loud, too wild, too needy, too “slutty,” too this or that. So is it really surprising that many women hit their 30s, 40s, or even 50s still uncertain about what really turns them on?
Combine this with the simple truth that desire is not a checklist. For women, arousal is a journey of sensations, not a destination with turn-by-turn GPS instructions. A woman may feel what she wants long before she can name it, and if you’re expecting her to hand you a written script, you’ve already missed the point.
The underrated power of feeling desired
Here’s the real kicker and where many well-meaning men go wrong.
When a woman has to tell you exactly what she wants, she often stops feeling desired and starts feeling like a coach. And that’s a very different mood.
Sex, at its best, is not a performance. It’s not even a negotiation. It’s a shared moment of instinct, intuition, and mutual surrender. When a woman feels that a man is reading her, tuning in to her reactions, gradually opening her up like a blooming flower rather than assembling a flat-pack wardrobe from IKEA instructions, that’s when the real magic happens.
Desire isn’t about getting what you asked for. It’s about feeling that someone wants to give it to you, without being told.
Reading her: The lost art of erotic listening
So what does that look like in real life?
Well, it’s about becoming more of a sensual detective. Less James Bond, more Sherlock Holmes with a splash of Casanova.
It means noticing the subtle changes in breath, body tension, and skin tone. The moment she holds her breath. The flutter in her belly. The way her hips angle toward or away from your touch.
Women are always responding. But most men are moving too quickly or too goal-oriented to notice.
This is where foreplay stops being a formality and starts being a fascinating, thrilling conversation without words.
The case for 45-minute foreplay (yes, really)
Let’s set the record straight: foreplay is not a warm-up. Foreplay is the main event.
When men rush through it like it’s the credits before the film, they miss out on the richness of what women are actually wired to enjoy.
In my experience working with thousands of women and teaching hundreds of men through my Massage My Woman courses, when you commit to at least 45 minutes of sensual, layered foreplay, everything changes:
Women feel seen, valued, and safe to surrender.
Their natural lubrication increases (no more scrambling for lube).
Orgasms become more likely, more frequent, and more whole-body.
Penetration becomes welcomed, not tolerated.
Here’s the truth most men need to hear: a woman’s body is like a symphony. You can’t just crash in on the cymbals. You’ve got to start with the strings.
Sensual massage: Your new secret weapon
If you really want to learn the art of female arousal, learn to give a sensual massage.
Why?
Because it slows you down, it gets you out of your head and into your hands. And it allows a woman to relax and trust you not just physically, but emotionally and erotically.
In my Massage My Woman class (part of the Intimacy Matters training program), I teach men how to:
Use sensual oil massage to build trust and anticipation
Apply varied touch: soft, firm, rhythmic, teasing
Incorporate clitoral, vaginal, and full-body stimulation with intuition
Introduce body-to-body massage with confidence
Understand the art of erotic “pause” and breath-led teasing
Read her responses and let her body guide the next step
This isn’t about tricks. It’s not about “how to make her orgasm in 60 seconds.”
It’s about becoming a man who listens with his hands.
But Colin, 45 minutes? I’ve got things to do
Yes. You’ve got things to do. But if giving her 45 minutes of sensual focus means that she spends the next 24 hours glowing, texting you rapturous messages, and rearranging her weekend plans to see you again, is it really such a bad investment?
Besides, it’s not 45 minutes of work. It’s 45 minutes of play. Think of it as the difference between fast food and a Michelin-star meal. Both fill you up. Only one is memorable.
The offer: Become the lover she brags about
If any part of this has made you think, “Damn, I need to learn this,” then good. You’re already halfway there.
As a little nudge, I’m offering 20% off my Massage My Woman course for anyone who books and pays in full before 15th July.
You don’t even have to take the course right away, you’ve got until the end of September to schedule it. This gives you a full summer to transform from Average Joe to Sensual Maestro.
Final thoughts: Less porn, more presence
The problem isn’t that men don’t care. It’s that they’ve been taught the wrong things.
Porn teaches performance. But women want presence.
So, if you want to be the man who doesn’t need to be told what she wants. If you want to be the man who hears what her breath is saying. If you want to be the man who gives her the kind of pleasure she tells her friends about in lowered voices over cocktails.
Then do yourself a favour.
Learn the art of sensual massage.
She’ll thank you for it. Repeatedly.
Sensual Massage Courses at Intimacy Matters for men, women & couples
Your hands are about to become a lot more useful.
And she or he is about to become a lot more satisfied.
The course can be taken at any time.
You can take each Massage My Woman training individually, or you can book them together as a package. You have the option to combine the Foundation & Intermediate trainings or include the Advanced training for a comprehensive three-part program. Booking a combined package comes at a discounted rate compared to purchasing each training separately.
For those interested in starting a part-time or full-time business offering sensual massage for women, the professional training program is detailed in the paragraph below.
2.5-Hour Experiential Session from £300
6-hour Foundation Training from £700
6-hour Intermediate Training from £850
6-hour Advanced Training from £900
12-hour Combined Foundation & Intermediate from £1250
18-hour Combined Foundation, Intermediate & Advanced from £2000
26-hour Professional Training from £2600
Professional training course from £2600
This 29-hour Combined Professional Training is specifically designed for men who aspire to become professional sensual masseurs. It provides the skills and knowledge needed to offer sensual massages as a part-time or full-time business for women and, if desired, men.
This 29-hour professional training course includes:
3-hour Induction Session (optional + £300)
6-hour Foundation Training
6-hour Intermediate Training
6-hour Advanced Training
8-hour Professional Business Launch Pad and ongoing business support
Application:
To apply to take any training, click here
Or Call, Text or WhatsApp 0044 (0) 7966522696
Or go to Intimacy Matters
Submitting an application does not mean you are making a booking. The application simply provides details about you and your motivation for joining a particular class. Once I receive your application, I will contact you to discuss your reasons for applying and your expectations for the class.
Read more from Colin James De Courcy Richards
Colin James De Courcy Richards, Somatic Sexologist, Massage & Intimacy Practitioner
Colin Richards, a full-time Sex & Intimacy practitioner since 2005, has worked with over 8,000 clients to improve sexual confidence and address a range of intimate challenges. He offers a variety of services, including sensual massage, psychosensual treatments, counseling, and workshops. His humanistic approach integrates biological, psychological and emotional factors to help clients explore their sexual potential. Colin founded Intimacy Matters in 2012, where he has guided many individuals and couples toward deeper intimacy and connection. He regularly publishes articles on sexuality and relationship issues and conducts public talks, workshops, and social events in London. Colin has been featured extensively on UK national TV & Media.
