Why Am I Not Good Enough?
- Jul 18, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 19, 2023
Written by: Romana Hrivnakova, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Sometimes, we all feel insecure about our physical appearance, intelligence, capabilities, personality traits or social skills. However, some people connect with their insecurities on a much deeper level. They feel inferior, inadequate, worthless, undeserving of love and ashamed of who they are. They go through life feeling not good enough. They don’t have bad days when their insecurities might be heightened. They feel like this every single day.
People with deep-rooted belief of not being good enough spend every day beating themselves up over not living up to inner images of who they think they should be – smart, successful, attractive, popular… Their ‘never good enough’ narrative leads to a life full of loneliness, unhappiness, depressed mood, hopelessness, powerlessness, unfulfilled and toxic relationships, unused potential and missed opportunities.
Their fleeting moments of feeling good about themselves are shattered by the next blow to their self-image. They don’t see mistakes as learning opportunities but rather confirmations of their worthlessness. Some might attempt to prove their worthlessness through self-destructive behaviour, while others get stuck in the never-ending cycle of working hard to prove their worth. But no matter how far they have come in their career, how many friends they have, how great their romantic relationship is, and how successful they are in achieving their goals, it’s never enough for them to feel good. They always have to achieve more, be more, do better… it never ends.
Societal pressures
Do you have a critical inner voice that reminds you every day of your inadequacy and worthlessness? This powerful voice full of destructive thoughts toward yourself often comes from external societal pressures that provide you with a list of things you should accomplish (preferably by a certain age to avoid judgements) – get married, have children, and make a lot of money. Not achieving that will keep you trapped in a never-ending cycle of comparing yourself to others you perceive to be better. Or at least you think they are. It’s hard to tell as social media amplifies that everyone around you is better, happier, more successful, and they lead more exciting lives. It does not matter if it’s true. If your insecurities and inadequacy consume you, you will believe that.
Nevertheless, it’s not just Facebook and Instagram that keep you trapped in feeling you’re not good enough. Society also reminds you of your inadequacy through magazines and TV ads about diets and beauty products, movies and reality shows about unrealistic love, and programs showing you the amazing lifestyle you could have if you had more money. However, everything you are being told you need to be better, look better, be more successful, and be popular constantly changes, reinforcing your impression of inadequacy.
Childhood experiences
Even though the models for ‘never good enough’ can be found in our society, they often come from our families. The advertising industry and social media can only emotionally manipulate you and trap you even more deeply in feeling like you’re not good enough because you already feel inadequate, unlovable, worthless, insecure, and inferior. No one is born with those painful core beliefs. Your inaccurate belief of not being good enough was formed in early childhood and continues to develop. You accept this deeply rooted self-sustaining belief without question, focus on evidence that supports it and ignore all the wonderful and unique things about yourself.
Your belief of not being good enough is based on messages from your early attachment experiences. You received messages about who you are from your parents (or people involved in your care), who might not have felt good enough themselves. Thus, this belief is based on expectations placed on you and the conditions you had to meet to feel like you matter, to feel heard, seen, accepted, and loved by your parents.
Heal your inner child
Feeling not good enough creates stuckness, and you will continue to feel stuck in life unless you identify the origins of why you feel this way. This core belief developed out of painful moments you experienced. Therefore, with the help of a therapist, explore the earliest messages you can recall that informed this belief, explore the feelings that you were not welcomed within the original attachment relationship and how this affected how you construct your sense of self.
“The buried pain of our earlier injuries is a major source of present-day shame and related feelings of inadequacy.” – Ronald D. Siegel
In my previous articles, “The Wounded Inner Child And The Development Of A False Self (Part 1)” and “5 Ways To Heal Your Wounded And Lost Inner Child (Part 2)”, I emphasized the importance of connecting with and healing your inner child. Connect with that part of you that carries the feeling of not being good enough. Uncover the root cause of this belief and connect with your true self. Recognize that what your parents told you about who you are might have been affected by their feelings of not being good enough, their challenges and insecurities, and their unresolved trauma that affected their ability to offer unconditional love. The messages you received from them in early childhood (and continue to receive) don’t belong to you, and you no longer have to carry them. YOU get to define your worth and adequacy.
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Romana Hrivnakova, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Romana Hrivnakova works as a Psychotherapist in Toronto. Romana has extensive experience working with individuals who use substances to cope with childhood trauma, overwhelming emotions, or painful life experiences. In her 13 years of working as a mental health and addiction professional, she obtained various degrees and diplomas; however, she places her experience of working in a homeless shelter in the UK for 9 years above all her qualifications. There she witnessed the terrible consequences of childhood trauma, attachment injury, and people’s desperate attempts to cope with what happened to them (or did not happen and should have happened) in their childhood. This experience and her childhood challenges and life experiences inspired Romana to help her clients connect with their wounded inner children and help them react to present and future challenges as adults rather than wounded children.
